Saturday, July 13, we loaded up for a 24 hour bus trip to Pagossa Springs, CO. It was hard to go that day, I was leaving the end of family vacation to do so and I admit in that time on the bus I wondered if I had made the right decision, and questioned if I was even meant to be there especially since I didn’t agree to join the staff until later….a bus ride that long will do that to you. God did have a purpose for me though.
The lesson began weeks before the retreat when preparing for Solidarity with Bobby. Bobby and I are opposites when it comes to our approach for preparing a session. I wanted to have things neat and organized out, have a powerpoint, have it planned who would say what and when. Bobby on the other hand didn’t need that, he can work off the cuff, had great ideas and was just going to go with it. So while this gave me some anxiety, we came together, I planned as much as I could and he was very much lead by the Holy Spirit and it all worked out for a great session. Yes there is a great lesson to be learned in that, how it all worked out even when it wasn't "perfectly drawn out in my mind." Aaron had talked with me about that later that morning. We talked about that unknown. He shared with me things he had been learning about himself and about trusting God in his experience discerning and following God in his vocation as a seminarian. I could relate. He as well affirmed a lot of good things I had going for me that he saw. I had a hard time seeing that and receiving what he was saying at the time. Alyson continued on in the week trying to take care of things “her way,” trying to be enough for everyone and everything on her own merit....
Tuesday night came and it was time for the Reconciliation service which would be combined with Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. Leading up to this there seemed to be several ways this could go and not all were in agreement or on the same page with a plan of how it should go. The weather threatened to mess up the out door plans too. Then there was the music. I've for a long time been a "adoration should just be silent" kind of person. I've had not so good experiences at different retreats & conferences in the past where musicians, whether intentional or not, took over, became distracting, had unfitting song choices etc. So I had my Gregorian chant and instrumental Catholic hymns playlist ready if we needed some gentle background sound, but was told Logan was prepared to play guitar. I remember saying, "okay that can be fine maybe if there are no words or he doesn’t play the whole time." I didn’t know Logan and didn’t know what to expect. So all of this was going on leading up to this service. I had to step away being overwhelmed by it all needing something concrete and unchanging, and admittedly something in my control. Finally I went ahead and began it as I originally had planned. And then nothing really went as planned.... There ended up not being a procession as the campers took off across the meadow. I forgot to explain the reverence due in Adoration as I was upset we missed the procession part. Confessions begin and so did the weather. It started to rain and Aaron came to rescue Jesus as a camper jumped and exclaimed it was raining. So back inside the Cathedral we all went to try this again. At this point even though nothing was really in my control except for how I was feeling....I was feeling pretty guilty/not happy, even the weather. I thought if only I had planned it all better.... Everyone else though took it in stride and rolled with it and I'm grateful to everyone for that and It's something I know I need to be better about in the future. To my surprise I enjoyed the music, it was not as I would have planned myself, but he did everything exactly right with simple reverent songs and plenty of spaces of silence. We had to end before everyone had a chance to go. I went to tell Fr. Philip we were wrapping it up and that Aaron was getting the coals ready. When I walked in the Hilton though without thinking too much I knew I needed to go to confession now. Fr. Philip at some point asked, “Alyson has anything good ever happened to you by surprise? Something you did not plan out?” I answered yes, like this confession is one example. Also thinking over the rest of the service and how it went, not according to my plan, but it was still good. He said good, remember that, it’s okay to just let go and go with it.
The week went on. Thursday came which was “Messy Games” day. I was helping take pictures so had immunity from the mess. Which I was grateful especially in the case of all the slime and yuck. But when it came time to slip and slide and the shaving cream war I admit I’m kind of sorry I didn’t put down the camera and dive in for a bit. But I was focused on capturing the moment for these kids. I thought this was the best way I could serve them. At the end of the week, with Angela’s pictures, we would have a great slide show and it would all be worth it. Thursday night adoration came and I was ready for some quality Jesus time. Adoration ended up being perfectly beautiful that evening after we had mass and the sun set. All was quiet and peaceful. Then Logan began with a song “Spirit Lead Me.” I know everyone at some point hears a song that hits them right in their heart and soul because it is the exact message God needs you to hear. This was one of those songs for me in that moment. I wasn’t paying that much attention to the lyrics at first until he sang the first refrain…
If You say "it's wrong", then I'll say "no"
If You say "release", I'm letting go
If You're in it with me, I'll begin
And when You say to jump, I'm diving in
If You say "be still", then I will wait
If You say to trust, I will obey
I don't wanna follow my own ways
I'm done chasing feelings
Spirit lead me
This song first of all was very calming and reassuring to listen too. I soon became very aware of the truth in this song. How many times have I done what God has already told me is not right? How much do I cling to that He has invited me to detach from? How many times has He assured me He is with me, but I stay here on the fence? I cling to the edge maybe stick my feet in but never dive in. Having trouble with patience in waiting currently. Trust, this whole week was a lesson in that. I am someone who is following her own ways rather than God's and how much peace would surely be found in life if I just lived with God as the refrain described. Currently in life I'm not at peace, and it's God's peace that I desire most. I want to let go, I’m done “fighting” and trying to make my own way happen. I want to be more this kind of person in the song and fully trust God and His plan. I am glad this was the refrain because these are things I need to be reminded of over and over. I listened very carefully to every word sung after that. This next verse I know would be true if I would just do as the refrain says, and as hard as it is, this is what I desire, to be taken further, to be as close to Jesus as possible in this life and be where He desires me to be.
It felt like a burden
But once I could grasp it
You took me further
Further than I was asking
And simply to see You
It's worth it all
My life is an altar
Let Your fire fall.
Again Logan gave God great glory with music for Adoration. Sarah gave us a very good reflection throughout the service with long periods of silence in between and I enjoyed that too and the truth in the words she shared. They had a good rhythm going. Together they facilitated taking us all deeper into adoration of our Lord, not once did they draw any attention away from Jesus. As I said, it really was perfectly beautiful.
And then came Friday, when the grace was fully realized. Earlier in the day I gave the session on Care of God's creation. There were a lot of unknowns leading into that as I had never been to the location, but it was beautiful. I did get nervous and worried about things not in my control, but it all worked out just fine. So now I was ready to focus on the slide show. All was well it seemed. The hours went by and I was making good progress weeding out pictures from the files. Then I went to load them on the video software and the issues arose. There were still too many files. Then my laptop slowed down. It took forever to add or delete anything. I started to realize this may not get done, but I stayed with it knowing so many were relying on and expecting this. It came down to an hour left and my computer got hung up and froze. So I had to restart it. The presentation was saved, but still not near done and restarting wasted a lot of time. I kept working, I missed discussing the last session with my group, missed the St. Benedict medal blessing, missed the staff thank yous. The time came and it was far from being complete. I felt that I had failed major. I tried to find a DVD to save it on to watch later on the bus, but no luck. So finally the group was headed out to pray the rosary and I gave up on the slide show knowing that was more important and I needed the prayer. Before going out there I mentioned to Shannon and Wendy something St. Francis de Sales said in a book they gave be about having a docile heart and what that meant. I said I didn't like it because "I think" I have a docile heart and it doesn't mean what he said... (Really who was I to question the wisdom of a great saint.) Shannon stopped me and said something along the lines of, Alyson maybe it struck you wrong because you are struggling with the truth in it and not accepting it though you know what he is saying is true. I just smiled saying oh maybe so and walked out, she was most likely right but I wasn't willing to face it. Well while praying the rosary, I was fine at first, still only kind of upset that I had been so last minute and failed to finish the slide show, but honestly if that had been it, the rest of the rosary praying would have been fine with no worries. It was an opener though... other thoughts and disappointments hurried in with that door being left open and the following went through my mind as we were praying.
“You are 30 now and no longer have a job, have you really given enough time to finding one? What are you doing when you go back home? You are single, what is going to happen there? Are you missing out on something by staying in Hallettsville? Again you didn’t finish the slideshow, you should have worked on it more during the week. By the way Alyson being so task oriented this week did you really spend enough time getting to know the retreaters? Did you fully engage with your small group kids? You missed that last discussion. Did you get to know your prayer partner? Did you get to know all the staff especially the ones you just met? Back with school, you didn’t give each of your 5 classes the attention and work they deserved, they could have been better, you could have done more. Reconciliation the other night could have been better had you made a solid plan, what are you doing Alyson? Where are you God, do you see me, is this it? Is there nothing else you have for me? What if I died, have I lived enough, have I been present?”
I was feeling pretty hopeless.
When all hope is gone
And Your word is all I've got
I have to believe
You still bring water from the rock
To satisfy my thirst
To love me at my worst
And even when I don't remember
You remind me of my word.
I fought back tears as long as I could until I had to walk away back up to the cabins. Again I would miss the kids sharing graces, but didn’t want to be a distraction. I saw Wendy coming out and thought I could step back and let her pass without seeing me, but God didn’t allow that, He had something to tell me through her. She gave me a hug, let me cry and express all of these things. She talked and tried to console me. The last things she said were the most important. She said “you are enough,” you have to see it that way. Maybe this is all God wants of you right now and that is okay. You may never know for sure what the reasons and purposes are for things that happen or things you have done or experienced. You have to accept that it is all God wanted and not get caught up thinking it has to be more. I thought about it knowing she was very much right, but it was hard to accept. I do want to do more and do good for others and most importantly for God. I’m not happy, but maybe it’s because I have not stopped to appreciate what I have and where I’m at. So at first honestly I had a hard time chewing on and swallowing what Wendy said. My heart was not docile.
So we walked back over to the fire and I had missed it all. The rest of the staff had genuine concern for me and what I was dealing with and I definitely appreciated their love and care. Angela had told me about another Allison(sp?) going on a mission and about finding yourself when giving of yourself to others. I had heard a similar message before and something I will need to spend more time on because fear keeps be from doing that sort of thing. While my worries were not resolved, what they each said helped me to feel more at peace and let go of the pressure I was feeling. Then there were plenty of jokes following that to lighten the mood.
After things had all settled down I decided I would take my things and go shower in the Hilton, the nice shower, where I’d let myself relax and enjoy it. On the way I passed Aaron in the Cathedral who said he was praying for me and I appreciated hearing that. Then I passed Logan on the steps and turned back to tell him he did a great job with music that week. I told him about my prior deep held conviction and all for how it should be done especially during adoration, and that he had honestly "converted me." He did it exactly right, he was simple and humble and drew us all deeper into adoration rather than being distracting or overpowering. He was thankful and as well explained how he felt about how adoration should be and how he approaches it with music. I was even more impressed, everything he expressed I agreed with, from not liking to play songs that get too loud, to wanting silence for others and because he would like some for himself too. I appreciated he had that Christ-centered mindset. As he spoke I felt humbled thinking see Alyson "your way" is not the only way, you have to let go and trust. Then I asked him about the song he had played that caught my attention and how it was exactly what I needed to hear. He was glad it helped and said Wendy asked him to play it. He understood that fear of the unknown and started talking about how if you are focused on doing what God wants you to do then you are doing enough and while it’s good to want to do more for people and for God, you have to realize if you’re doing what God wants then that is enough. I’m paraphrasing, but as I listened to him I realized wait this is exactly what Wendy was telling me that I was having a hard time accepting. Thinking back over the whole week I realize pretty much everyone on staff, through their genuine Christ-like care, had said something similar to this theme to me at one point or another in their own way. When several entirely different people tell you the same thing, you can bet it’s likely what God inspired in them and what He wants you to know! I as well recalled what I had told the girls during our talk Monday night. While only Our Blessed Mother is created perfect, we're all enough if we are who God created us to be because He makes us enough. I needed that message for myself. This was the grace God had for me that I have been so unwilling and awkward with receiving.
After things had all settled down I decided I would take my things and go shower in the Hilton, the nice shower, where I’d let myself relax and enjoy it. On the way I passed Aaron in the Cathedral who said he was praying for me and I appreciated hearing that. Then I passed Logan on the steps and turned back to tell him he did a great job with music that week. I told him about my prior deep held conviction and all for how it should be done especially during adoration, and that he had honestly "converted me." He did it exactly right, he was simple and humble and drew us all deeper into adoration rather than being distracting or overpowering. He was thankful and as well explained how he felt about how adoration should be and how he approaches it with music. I was even more impressed, everything he expressed I agreed with, from not liking to play songs that get too loud, to wanting silence for others and because he would like some for himself too. I appreciated he had that Christ-centered mindset. As he spoke I felt humbled thinking see Alyson "your way" is not the only way, you have to let go and trust. Then I asked him about the song he had played that caught my attention and how it was exactly what I needed to hear. He was glad it helped and said Wendy asked him to play it. He understood that fear of the unknown and started talking about how if you are focused on doing what God wants you to do then you are doing enough and while it’s good to want to do more for people and for God, you have to realize if you’re doing what God wants then that is enough. I’m paraphrasing, but as I listened to him I realized wait this is exactly what Wendy was telling me that I was having a hard time accepting. Thinking back over the whole week I realize pretty much everyone on staff, through their genuine Christ-like care, had said something similar to this theme to me at one point or another in their own way. When several entirely different people tell you the same thing, you can bet it’s likely what God inspired in them and what He wants you to know! I as well recalled what I had told the girls during our talk Monday night. While only Our Blessed Mother is created perfect, we're all enough if we are who God created us to be because He makes us enough. I needed that message for myself. This was the grace God had for me that I have been so unwilling and awkward with receiving.
I have to admit the next morning I was still tempted to finish the slideshow. I thought I could do it on the bus and burn it to a DVD that I would maybe be able to buy at our Abertsons stop. However my power cord mysteriously went missing and got packed up with other staff things so I couldn’t get to it. I realized okay God is clearly saying just let it go for now Alyson! You have done enough and I am happy with you, with what you have done, but more importantly with who you are, just being you! I'm glad it happened that way, there were more good conversations to be had on the bus ride home that I would have missed had I been so caught up on that slide show.
I thank God for patiently and persistently pursuing me in giving me this grace and for those who cooperated with His grace, fellow staff and retreaters, who helped me to receive it. So I have been hearing this song on repeat in my head since then. This is the grace God desired to give that I finally received. I learned I need to let go and have joy in just simply being who God made me to be. I’m not perfect and I cannot do this on my own. No matter how hard I try, on my own I am never going to be enough. I have made my mistakes, and have dropped the ball so to speak, but God still loves and delights in me. I need to trust in Him and in the good people He has placed in my life. I need to surrender to His will for myself and for others. I need to believe He has a plan and purpose only for my good. I need to allow myself to be open to receiving all He desires for me. I need to stop trying to lead the dance, and allow God to lead me. He makes me enough.
I don't trust my ways
I'm trading in my faults
I lay down everything
'Cause You're all that I want
I've landed on my knees
This is the cup You have for me
And even when it don't make sense
I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead.
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