A Special Day for a Bride to Be!

    At 11 days out, I want to share a very special way my friends have helped me to prepare for the Sacrament of Marriage. Last Monday, Memorial day, Wendy, Shannon, and Kayla, surprised me with the most beautiful gift!

They met me at my house a little after 9:00AM to pick me up. I didn’t know where we were going, just was told to dress comfortable, that at some point we would attend daily Mass, and we’d be together all day. I was excited and of course kept trying to figure it all out....trusting in the unknown with Jesus is something I'm still working on....

Our adventure began near the River-walk in San Antonio. We parked just down the street from St. Mary’s church. The plan for the day was then revealed. Shannon said before she got married, Wendy had took her out for a day in San Antonio, and they visited churches and prayed for her upcoming wedding. She said it was one of the most meaningful things anyone had done for her and they wanted to do the same for me. They told me to take a vase with flowers they already had arranged and that I would leave it near a statue of Mary at each church we visited, and we would be praying a decade of the rosary at each of our stops. I was so touched and so excited for what all this day would mean! I really needed this!

This first stop at St. Mary's in downtown San Antonio was perfect. Little did they know that when I was in college, I spent a week of spring break doing a field lab. We had gone all over Texas visiting military bases and ranches learning about different Wildlife Management practices. We were fortunate to have 2 nights spent at a hotel just a short walk from the San Antonio River-walk so in the evenings I took advantage and explored. The first evening I had more time and was able to visit the Alamo and some of the nearby churches. I stumbled across St. Mary’s and found the most beautiful sanctuary and decided to stay a while and pray. There I found my absolute favorite statue of the Blessed Mother and a really neat little hidden statue of St. Therese. I very much felt at peace with God there as I prayed for clarity about my path in life. At the time I really was seriously considering that I could one day be a nun like St. Therese. I didn’t get the clarity I desired in that day, but still had a very fruitful time in prayer.  It was a most needed holy break in the trip.

So when our journey this past Monday began with St. Mary’s I was most excited. I took the flowers and placed them near my favorite statue of Mary and then we knelt together in the pews to pray the first decade. I thanked Jesus for Stephen and the clarity and peace I finally had about the great gift of a vocation God was giving me with Stephen.

Next we raced over to the Basilica of St. Therese of Lisieux for daily mass. The last time I had been here was many years ago with my friend Cherise who is now consecrated. We were given a tour by Fr. Gregory Ross who we had met at Texas A&M when he was a visiting vocation director for the Carmelite Friars. I brought another vase of flowers in and after mass was able to take them to the side altar where they keep a relic of St. Therese of Lisieux. To our surprise, a Carmelite, Br. Vladimir brought the relic up to the grail so that we could venerate it. I thanked St. Therese for her prayers for me and asked her to continue to pray for Stephen and I. I also gave Br. Vladimir my flowers and he placed them on the altar close to the relic. Br. Vladimir then came around to talk to us, curious what 4 young adult women were doing here and bringing flowers and all. We explained the day and he was glad and assured us of his prayers. He also gave us some suggestions of where else to visit including the Grotto at the Oblate School of Theology. Before we left I asked him if he knew Fr. Gregory Ross and he said oh that is our rector, he is here, but today is his day off or rest day. I was excited to hear this, had no idea he was back in Texas, so asked Br. Vladimir to tell him hi for me.

We used the bathrooms and checked out the paintings of St. Therese and St. Theresa of Avila that Br. Vladimir told us about downstairs. Then prayed our next decade of the rosary before leaving out a side door. As we were walking down the sidewalk I looked over into the yard area of the Carmelite house and saw a very familiar tall man on his way towards the garden. It was Fr. Gregory! I yelled for him and Wendy helped me grab his attention. I hurried over and could tell he recognized me and only had to remind him of my name and he remembered me right away saying it has been ages! as he gave me a hug. We were both very excited to see each other! We caught up for a few minutes before I had to continue on. I was so excited, I had thought about him and wondered about sending him a notice of my wedding. I kind of thought the only way I would ever see him again was if Jesus decided to cross our paths. Which He definitely did! I told the girls that this made my day, but was excited to see what else Jesus had in store.

We then decided to venture out to find this Grotto that Fr. Vladimir described to us. It took a bit, but we were glad to add this stop to the trip. The Grotto is absolutely beautiful, a replica of the grotto in Lourdes, France, and a peaceful outdoor sanctuary in the middle of the city. I went and lit a candle in the Grotto and we sat and prayed in thanksgiving for Br. Vladimir. We walked around and explored a bit, finding as well the Grotto for Our Lady of Guadalupe on top which was very incredible. We saw a gift shop too and found it up so decided to browse and take a restroom break. I was happy to find a nice simple wood crucifix in the shop. Stephen and I needed one to say our vows with and so I sent him pictures. He liked it too so I bought it and was happy to have found it during this special trip. 

We met up and started to head back to the car when I noticed a religious sister walking across the grounds. I sped up a bit going in her direction trying to get a better look. I recognized her habit, she was a Daughter of St. Paul and she looked familiar to me. Shannon said where are you going? I said I think I know that nun! She said of course you do! Well the sister kept walking and I was trying to remember her name and finally called out, Sr. Rebecca! She turned and we were both so happy to see each other! It was Sr. Rebecca Hoffart. I had met her when I was discerning with the Daughters of St. Paul. We got to know each other fairly well then and she had also been my spiritual director on a silent retreat I had done with them in Boston. It was a very special reunion! She said she was only in San Antonio for the day and happened to be here, in one of the buildings, and just happened to decide to take a walk outside when we were coming across the grounds. The Holy Spirit definitely brought us together! We were both so thankful. I was so happy and very glad to get to chat with her for a bit and share with her what we were doing. After a brief visit I went back to the car so thankful for this special surprise encounter! I told everyone, okay my day was made but now it is even better!

Next we needed to find lunch. We went to the Riverwalk and had some delicious food before continuing on our journey. Shannon and Wendy had planned for us to be at two churches, but unfortunately St. Joseph’s was locked up. So we took both of the next two vases down to the San Fernando Cathedral. This Cathedral was also a special place of prayer during my trip in college. It is also where I “met” Archbishop Gustavo during a mass following the San Antonio Vocation Awareness retreat. I was in a lot of frustration then on that retreat with the pace, the questions, and other things going on in life at the time. I was not at peace at all. The closing mass though was beautiful and when I brought up offeratory gifts with two other people, Bishop Gustavo told us that whatever God called us to do, to do it well and with love. It reminded me of St. Therese of Lisieux’s encounter with the Pope. Anyhow there we left the vases one at the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe and one I moved closer to the tabernacle for Jesus. We prayed our 3^rd mystery before making the long trek back to the car.

On the way home we prayed our 4^th mystery. I was quiet on the way home, both tired and just reflecting on the beauty of the day. I knew we still had one more mystery left to pray and wondered what they had planned for it. They asked about Sacred Heart being open and I thought well this is very cool! They planned it so that we would end off in the church Stephen and I will soon be married in! I assumed it was already locked up though as we arrived after 6pm. To my surprise the doors were open! (Literally very surprised, my face said it all.) So we went in to the Cry Room which is where I will be getting ready that day. We prayed together the last mystery of our rosary and then Wendy and Shannon shared with me another special surprise. They had been praying the rosary on a little pearly white rosary that was blessed by St. Pope John Paul II and now they were giving it to me! I had one before, but had decided to share it with my friend I made at my 30 day silent retreat in Grand Coteau. I’m glad I had given it away, it made me happy to give it away, but have to admit I am very glad to have one again. They already arranged with my florist that she would put it in my bouquet too! I love it! Then they showed me some medals they had for me. St. Joseph, St. Therese, St. Benedict, St. Ann and a little blue enamel Miraculous Medal. These all will be in my bouquet too, but the blue Miraculous Medal I will wear as my “something blue.” If you look up the tradition of “something blue” you will see it is meant to “ward off evil.” Well I can’t imagine there is anything “blue” that could be better to ward off evil than the Blessed Mother herself! We then went and took the flowers to Mary before heading on home.

This day meant so much to me! It was a way to reflect on where I have been and where all Jesus has brought me to. In hindsight I can see now He was there and working all those times I didn't have clarity or felt stuck. It was a beautiful surprise reunion with some people who He had blessed me with to accompany me on my journey in the past.  It reminded me that we are never alone, God made us for communion and we're not meant to go our lives solo. God is always loving us through His goodness in others He places on our path. It reminded me just how loved I am by Jesus with all the special surprises throughout the trip! It was a much needed retreat, or pilgrimage to pray for my upcoming marriage. I am so thankful for the friends God has blessed me with to plan and carry this all out! I was so very touched by all of this. It was all perfect! Perfect day, perfect trip, great friends, and many wonderful surprises! 

If you are a bride or even a groom to be, preparing for your wedding, get you some friends to do this with! I 10/10 recommend that even more important than all of the other kinds of celebrating you do before you get married, you need to take a spiritual day for yourself to pray and prepare for this sacrament. Take a little pilgrimage and get some friends to join with you to pray with the Saints and our Blessed Mother to Jesus for all the graces you need to faithfully live out the gift of this sacred sacrament! The day I had was so meaningful and something I will cherish forever. I am so blessed by these three friends and so thankful to them and to Jesus for the perfect day!

A Year Ago Today

   I haven't written a blog in a long while, so this one is more of an update and sharing of God's tremendous blessings (with Stephen) in my life over the last year!

     Stephen and I went on our first date a year ago today. As I got ready I was giddy and voiced my crazy wonderings out loud to my sister Adrienne, “could this be my last first date?!” She told me not to put so much pressure on it, but it was a thought I had never had before on a first date and I wondered if this may really be it. Stephen picked me up in time for us to pray the rosary together before 5:30 evening mass. It is really special that everything began with the Eucharist for us. After mass we went to Roberts in Flatonia and then bowling in Schulenburg. We both weren’t ready for the evening to end so we went driving around. Our first date was wonderful and thankfully we both wanted another and another.

    In years past I had always gotten the “New Year’s blues,” they hit at my birthdays too. As another year was passing I always wondered, where is my life going? These “blues” were met with some confusion and even some despair. I felt directionless or stuck where I was. A few people had even pointed out to me that this is what they saw. I wondered if I had missed something, if I hadn’t made the right decision about one thing or another in the past. What if I missed my chance? I didn’t foresee anything changing in the near future.

    In March of 2020 I had the opportunity of a lifetime to go away on a 30 day silent retreat. This was the gear shift I needed. Quite honestly I think we all need something like this. I always knew Jesus loved me, but I came out of that retreat realizing just how profoundly He loves me, loves all of us. We are worthy of Him dying for us on the crucifix after all! This brought in a greater sense of gratitude, a greater desire to be more present, and a greater desire to live in more spiritual freedom. This all allows one to just freely be in love with God and live in that love no matter what all is going on in life. I’m not perfect at this, but it has changed everything.

    When my 31^st birthday came around in June of 2020, I didn’t have the blues, even in the pandemic. That’s a huge grace I attribute to what Jesus gave me in the retreat. I instead I had a lot of gratitude. I had gratitude for God’s love for me, my life, my family, where we lived, our health and so much more.  

    At the same time though I naturally was feeling the loneliness that covid left us all with. We’re made for communion, made to live in community with others and covid stole that away for some time. I for one was missing interaction as some family gatherings were cancelled and every social event I was used to going to didn’t happen.  It made me realize how much I had taken those things for granted.

    Sometime that summer my mom had jokingly said, so how are you supposed to meet a guy now with a mask on and nowhere to go? Good question and I wondered that too. In greater spiritual freedom I realized God would just have to provide for me where I was. I also realized I had to accept that maybe that wasn’t in His plans for me. As I let go of the things I thought I ought to be, possibly a nun or possibly married, I realized I had never been free about the possibility of being single and serving God that way. I still wasn’t free with Jesus in that initially. I kept looking deeply into everything, every conversation, everything I did, tried, and enjoyed etc. for a sign, an open door, something to take a step towards in a vocation. I would even ponder over the past wondering if I missed something. All the while I was looking so hard for possibilities and not finding anything, I had no idea God already had someone in plain sight looking at me and wondering if there was a possibility with me.

    At the beginning of the 2021 instead of New Years blues, I simply let go of all the digging and overanalyzing and trying to figure out what God’s plan was for me. I was vulnerable and real with God in my very simple but honest prayer. I had a lot of gratitude for the life I had. This greater since of gratitude helped me to simply love and be present where I was. I had enough of being on the fence, thinking I could be this or that, go here or there without really committing to anything. I had enough of the fruitless searching and trying to be open to pursuing opportunities that weren’t actually there. I also had enough of worrying over what others might think if I did or went one way or another. I only wanted to please God and realized I already was pleasing to Him! I, me, His creation is enough! I said okay Jesus let’s go, I’ll put myself out there, you’ve got to make something of it, make the way clear.

    January 1^st 2021, I spent time creating a CatholicMatch dating profile and bought a one month subscription. Then I searched into religious orders and took advantage of the fact that everyone was having virtual discernment retreats. I signed up for three. In my mind I was imagining I was throwing all of my nets out of the boat, ready to catch on to anything God desires me to have. Of course I wanted these things to happen the old fashioned way, in person, but it was 2021 in covid times so I felt like virtual was the best way to go at the moment.

    The evening of January 2^nd, I set up a candle near my statue of St. Ann and lighting it, began a novena with her. In my novena I asked her to please tell her grandson Jesus that at this point if there’s a guy in my future or a convent I’ll go either way, it doesn’t make a difference, but let’s just get this show in the road already! It was blunt, but honest and authentic. I was appreciative of many things as I said, but at the same time had to be real with Jesus. I wanted to let go and let Him work!

    The very next morning, January 3^rd my life was forever changed. I went to mass with my mom at 8am. We sat in the middle near the front. It was the feast of the Epiphany. The feast we celebrate the visiting of the Magi representing God’s love is for all. I don’t remember anything different about mass. I again was not aware someone had even noticed me there. At this point in my life I didn’t think anyone was going to notice me in Hallettsville. If they hadn’t already, they had had plenty opportunity. After mass my mom and I didn’t see any family to visit as we normally would, with so just headed out toward the car. I wasn't even aware someone was trying to catch up to me.

    At the curb I heard my name being called behind me and was surprised when I turned to see who it was coming from. It was Stephen. I didn’t know him. I had seen him around and knew of him. I knew he had something to do with the fire department because he gave an award to a kid at school a few years back. That’s all I knew. He asked if he could have a minute of my time and I said sure. I honestly thought someone must have tipped him off that I was unemployed. I assumed he might have a job for me someplace and he wanted to see if I’d be interested. Nope, not at all, the reality was far from that. He said he had noticed me in church a few times and wanted to know if he could take me out to lunch sometime to get to know me a little better. I was shocked, surprised, and speechless. He noticed me?! He and I had never spoken a word to each other that I know of prior to this, and he was asking me on a date. All I responded was a very perplexed “sure.” So then he asked if it was alright to call me and I answered yes that’s fine. He got my number and said he would call. I said thank you before we parted ways. Mind you we were both wearing masks so yes mom I suppose you can still meet a guy in a mask.

    The rest of the day I was bewildered by what happened and who this guy was. I immediately thought of my novena to St. Ann and thought wow if this is the answer to that, she sure worked fast, Jesus answered His grandmother fast! I continued my novena though with the same prayers being open to whatever path Jesus wanted to take me on. I kept Stephen in my prayers too. As the next few weeks went on we got to know each other on the phone. He had been in contact with someone who had covid so we had to postpone our first date until January 16^th. 

    In that time I canceled my subscription to CatholicMatch as I wanted to give this opportunity everything rather than leaving my foot in another door. Those vocation retreats also came, and I did stay open and participate. Two of them just didn’t strike a chord at all. One did speak to me, but the things the nun was saying about God’s movement in our lives just lead me to think of Stephen and how things had been working with him, the ways God was moving with us. I decided then to freely and fully see where things went with Stephen and in order to do that I really needed to close this particular religious vocation door. I prayed to God about my intentions and asked Him to take care of it all. So I peacefully and freely closed it and set out to just see where things might go with Stephen. That was a big deal because for at least 9 years I had always kept this door ajar, the religious life door, no matter what I was pursuing, I worried if I closed it, I would lose it or upset someone, or upset God. Really this was a big deal and overwhelming. Naturally I wanted to be concerned with what the future held or what might be left behind. I couldn’t have any of that. You can’t sit at the beginning of a path and figure out what is all down it from the beginning. All I had was the present day. So all I could do was trust Jesus and let Him lead and take care of it all just one day at a time. Who knew at the time where this would go? I didn’t worry over it though and just went forward in trust.

    The week before our first date the more we talked on the phone the more I really wanted to get to know Stephen. A few different people who knew Stephen personally had also given me some more context of who he was. I took all these things to prayer during the week, just praying for God’s will for us, praying for good things for both of us no matter what that meant. I have to admit, even though I only knew a little of Stephen at this point, I already was wanting things to go well for us, and I hated the thought of it all going badly. Rather than getting to caught up in that kind of thinking though, I just stopped and offered it all up to Jesus.  

    That first date was perfect and we made plans for another. Being with Stephen was special and he from the beginning made me feel very special and cared for. He treated me how I knew I deserved to be treated, but somehow went above and beyond even my high expectations of that. I was the happiest and so excited to see what would come! After around the third date or so we began praying together at the end of our dates, thanking God for good things, intentions, and closed with a Hail Mary. Stephen even began going to daily mass with me. I never asked him to, he just said he could and he would and then that became a special thing for us in the mornings.

    Gradually we spent more time together, and had more frequent dates. Early on it began to stand out to me that I had so much peace and joy when I was with Stephen that I hadn’t ever experienced in prior relationships (or visiting convents for that matter.) Certainly I had moments or periods of it before, but it usually came along with me questioning everything and even doubting. I would wonder back and forth about the convent and whether or not this is what God really wanted. With Stephen this didn’t happen. The peace didn’t fade and neither did the joy I experienced in being around him. Noticing this early on it became part of my prayers. I asked all of Stephen and I’s family in Heaven to pray for us too. I felt this could be it, this is really special what we have, and if it is good with Jesus I would like to go all in this direction wherever it takes us. And that direction would need lots of prayers for both of us. 

    I was overwhelmed, but at the same time very at peace and excited to be experiencing this kind of clarity in my life! I used to hardly believe it when someone, a nun, priest, married man or woman would say the cliché, “you just know.” In the past I knew I wanted what God wanted but didn’t know what that was, I didn’t know what I really wanted either. I wanted both to be the same, but I wasn’t every really free in that. I hoped for good things to come, but didn’t expect to figure out where I was going anytime soon. I didn’t think I would ever “just know.” I assumed I would have to be happy enough with something, happy enough with any vocation, any convent, or any guy. I would just need to choose anything and pray for happiness. Now I was experiencing what I longed for, the clarity and peace and joy that this was God’s will for me and I continued to experience that daily.

    I have loved every day knowing Stephen and getting to spend time with him over this last year. Stephen has never failed to treat me with utmost care, kindness and respect. There’s too many examples, but I want to mention a few just to illustrate the kind of man he is. One day early in our relationship he happened to run into me getting some groceries at Brookshire brothers. He took the basket from me and walked around as I got my groceries and then carried all of out out to my car before going back in to get his own. The first time he cooked for me I offered to help with anything and he said no you can just go sit over there and be comfortable, I want to do this for you. I said I could wash dishes, and he said no I’ll do the dishes. On his birthday we went out to eat and my plate came back with something I was allergic to on it to my surprise, it didn’t mention that in the description on the menu. He with-out hesitating traded plates with me. He was right there for me every day through my battle with covid. He let me call him anytime and I sure needed that because quarantine is depressing. He made deliveries of necessities, prescription meds, pedialyte, and a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a letter that really brightened my confinement. When I was over the fever he would sit outside with me and visit at a safe distance. I’ll say it again Stephen treated me in all ways, all the time as I knew I deserved to be treated, but he somehow always even went above and beyond that. These things are natural to him, it is just who he is. He never has made a show of it or drawn any attention to what he does. He’s the definition of humble and kind. He still treats me this way to this day. Early on before he even said it, I knew I was loved and I loved him.

    We eventually met each other’s families, spent Easter together, went on a mini road trip to Enchanted Rock, went to a few picnics together and danced to polkas. Explored a cave, took a beach trip, visited a wildlife park and have taken many walks out in the pasture. He was invited to my family’s Rockport vacation and he naturally fit in with everyone. He has given my niece Aubrey and I a couple rides in the fire truck when he read at the library and for the Kolache Fest parade which definitely won her over. For her birthday this year she has asked for a fire engine! I’ve enjoyed getting to know his family too as they’ve welcomed me with so much love it has brought me to tears on a couple occasions. They are just as wonderful as he, we’ve both been truly blessed with amazing people in our families. It has been a lot of fun sharing our lives together over the last year. The best things in life are even better when shared with those you love.

    On August 25^th  I went out to help my dad feed and found a piece of petrified wood. I told Stephen I found a rock for him and he responded that he had a rock for me too. He says he was just kidding around and wasn’t thinking about having a diamond for me, but I admit my wheels were turning when he made that comment! We had planned to have a “nice date” that Friday, the 27th, to get dressed up and head to Victoria. The whole way home from school I was ranting about one thing or another and he just listened. I got home and got dressed up, glad to soon be just spending the evening with Stephen. He picked me up and said we needed to stop by his house for a laptop because things were going on at work that may need his service. He told me to come inside so I didn’t get hot in the truck. I never thought anything of this. He let me through the door first. There on the table was a gorgeous bouquet of roses and a tiny little box. I was in shock. I thought oh my gosh is this it! Is he proposing!? But I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high in case he wasn’t. What if he was just surprising me with new jewelry, something sweet just because he loves me, then I’d feel silly. Then I said be real Alyson, this is it! (these thoughts occurred in seconds.) I turned to him and said, I forgot your rock…. Stephen smiled and came around and took the box and opened it to reveal a gorgeous diamond ring, he got on one knee and asked the question. I said yes with lots of happy tears and the rest is history! 

                             

    Romans 5:5, “God has poured out His love into our hearts.” This love of God is a beautiful thing that Stephen and I have been blessed to experience together over this past year in the love we have for each other. It is apparent we’re both who God had planned for each other and His timing for us is perfect. I had been looking, searching, and praying trying to figure out what decision I could or should make then Jesus hand selected for me way better than I could have chosen on my own. We have to let go and let Him lead! One evening in his prayer, Stephen said, “thank you God for the perfect Alyson.” At first I wanted to object and say no, it isn’t possible for me to be perfect, only God is perfection. I wasn’t going to correct him in a prayer though. What he said stuck with me. It made me think about the “pearl” that I am to God, as I am created, He loves me perfectly. We’re called to love each other as Christ loves us, the love we have comes from Christ. In what Stephen prayed, I realized he loves me unconditionally, as I am. I realized this is how Jesus has called Him to love me and I was profoundly in awe and grateful. I truly believe Stephen has been in God’s plan for me with the love Jesus has for me. I know in my heart Jesus has called me to love Stephen in this way too, as he is, as Jesus created him, a perfect gift.

   As I finish this reflection of the past year I am in awe and so grateful for how God has worked in my life, in our lives! Please keep us both in your prayers as we continue to prepare and countdown to June 18, 2022, the day we will in love with Christ in His Church, confer to each other the sacrament of Holy Matrimony! 1

 

 

You Are Worth It

           Something important I learned through the exercises of St. Ignatius is that there is more we can glean from the gospel than just what is written by using our imagination and getting into the story with all our own natural human experiences. These people in the Bible were real people like you and me. They experienced similar joys and struggles as we do. They laughed and cried together and had meals and visited with their friends. They found excitement in their successes, enjoyed tasty food, likely some of them bemoaned early mornings or got impatient with an obstinate farm animal. I could go on and on, the point is knowing the simple ordinary things we experience daily we can get a better picture of what the characters in the Bible may have been experiencing as we read and pray with them in scripture. 

           Jesus was fully God and as well fully man. So we can get to know the man Jesus was knowing He lived and experienced all the same feelings, and emotions etc that we do. With that Fr. Ostini my director last spring asked me to focus on Jesus and what all He was experiencing in His humanity through the events of that last week Jesus walked the streets before His crucifixion. It brought a somber feel to that week I couldn’t really shake even when I was not in prayer. Jesus gave me graces daily all through the retreat, but the most special and life altering one came the night I sat cross legged on the corner of the rug gazing at the crucifix in the St. Ignatius chapel reflecting on His crucifixion and I want to share that.

            First I thought of the events of that night. Jesus knew what would happen. He spent hours of agony in the garden, He was betrayed, arrested, shoved and forced all over the streets of Jerusalem as His captors dealt with Him. He was abandoned by His disciples then questioned and mocked. Then He scourged and condemned. Had to carry His cross and then be nailed to die upon it amongst two thieves all in the sight of His blessed mother. He then gave up His life to the Father for all of us and died.  

           Upon the crucifix now Jesus is physically entirely exhausted, dehydrated, bruised, bleeding from everywhere, He sweat blood, is in searing pain in every cell of His human body. He is unable to relax whatsoever. He has limited to no control on his movements. He can’t breathe properly and every breath is in excruciating pain as He must pull and push on the nails in His hands and feet just to breathe. Even to speak brings excruciating pain which makes each of His final words so much more precious knowing the great pain He chose to endure to make sure we heard them. There is no comfort at this point even if He were released. Jesus is not just in physical agony though. He feels deep rejection by the people, abandonment from his disciples. He feels unloved, hated, and despised by all those taking part in His condemnation, beating and torture. He is in the most vulnerable state being stripped of everything, humiliated and exposed. He is treated with no dignity. He can’t escape to hide, can’t reach out to anyone and no one can reach out to Him. He as well in His divinity knows the whole picture of what is taking place around Him in all these people. So much pain. He knows Judas’s pain, the worst despair and hopelessness. His heart aches to comfort, love, forgive and stop Judas from the worst, his suicide. He is hurt by Peter’s denial of Him but as well knows Peter’s deep sorrow and regret. He feels abandoned  by the rest of His closest disciples except John. He knows and feels their fear, turmoil, stress and despair with what all is taking place. He longs to console them. He feels the hate and hardness of heart of the ones doing this who ridicule and mock Him. Their hearts are like stones cast at Him as He hangs on the cross. He sees His mother there and feels deep sorrowful pain  seeing her heart pierced as she experiences this all with Him. 

           Knowing who Jesus is we know that He feels true mercy and forgiveness for all these people, “forgive them Father they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34 He is doing this for them too and that is beyond perfect love as He sees what it does to His mother and people closest to Him. He is heart broken for these people who He desires to permeate with His love, but many reject Him. He loves the thieves with Him and feels loved by the good thief and that does not go unnoticed. He desires to be loved, held, and protected. He feels loved by those who have stayed near Him, there to remain present with Him in His suffering. He loves them and delivers His mother into the hands of the one disciple, John, who remained with Jesus and Mary instead of hiding. He entrusts us all to her love in this action and desires that we love her too. 

           The Jewish leaders thought they had won, that they had control, that they were putting an end to Jesus and showing or teaching His followers a lesson. Caiaphus, the high priest as he advised the other Jewish leaders even said "it is better that one man die for the people." John 18:14 Little did he know the Truth of his words.  I imagine Satan there and Jesus able to see him going about gloating and taunting Jesus, tempting Him to give up and save Himself and kill these people. 

            I sat there as I thought about all of this and kept coming back to Mary and seeing Mary’s pain. Then I asked Jesus, “how could you do this?” I wondered how could you stay on the crucifix and let these people do this to you and to her? How could you watch her continue to be caused so much deep pain? How could you let us do this to her, to you? 

           Then in my prayer I realize that even as Jesus is fully man and experiencing this wholly in His humanity, He is also experiencing in His divinity. Jesus in HIs divinity knows what He is doing and who He is doing this for. I imagined as He hung on that crucifix He saw the faces of every person who lived on the earth before that time, every individual soul, the holiest and the worst of sinners and He said, “they are worth it.” He could see every living face of every soul there present at the time of His life and crucifixion. He could see the souls of all those around Him in that moment, even those so marred and ugly by their great sins. He looks upon them with perfect love and mercy and says, “you are worth it.” Even as He watches His mother there suffer, He feels this with His whole heart. He then looks upon the faces and souls of every person who will come to being beyond this point, again the holiest of saints and the most horrific of sinners. At this point some of the holiest and the worst of sinners came to mind. Yes even for these Jesus says, “they are all worth it.” Jesus in His divinity sees the faces of all of us, past, present and future and He chooses to remain on the cross out of love for us. 

           Then Jesus pierced my heart at that point. It became very real to me that Jesus as He hung on the crucifix even saw my face. He saw Alyson. I see His face, full of love I’ve never known from anybody but Him. His face is marred now and I must see His love through tears, wounds, bruises, blood, sweat, dirt and pain. I know that I have caused that. Jesus sees my face, my soul, and says, “You are worth it.” He says I am worth all of that which I see on the crucifix. In that moment I heard Him in my heart speaking that personally to me. In my whole being I felt so perfectly loved. 

           Then it as well broke my heart for Him. I could never be grateful enough. He sees little, insignificant me, imperfect, distracted and all and He says I am worth all of this suffering. I am worth that cross. I am worth pursuing, I am worth His time, I am worth it as me, just Alyson. 

           If He thinks that I am worth all of that, then how much more is life in Him, His love, worth it to me? Is He not enough? Is this cross and Him on it not enough to convince me of His love? It is Jesus! You are enough! You are worth it. You are worth denying myself for. I began to wonder what that meant, what it should look like in my life and then fell into desolation as I thought I don’t love Jesus enough. Recognizing that I quickly went back into resting in His words, “You are worth it.”  

           Now the rest of that grace continued to unfold beyond my retreat when later in spiritual direction Fr. Kirby pointed out to me that I am God’s pearl of great price that He the merchant gives up everything for. A pearl cannot do anything for anyone but sit there and look pretty and that is exactly the point. God loves me perfectly with everything as I am, I am enough as Alyson, I am worth it, worth the cross.  

           Before leaving on that retreat Fr. Kirby told me my only goal should be to get as close to the loving feet of Jesus on the cross as possible. I did not know what I would find there, what I would learn. That night Jesus brought me to the foot of His cross. He told me in my heart, you are worth it, and that means everything. Fr. Ostini pointed out that these words of Jesus perfectly dispels the lie I had once believed that I wasn't enough. On my own I am not, but because of Jesus and His goodness in me, I am. Jesus says I am worth the cross.   

            Jesus' goodness resides in you too. You too are worth the cross. Jesus from His crucifix sees you too and He says, 

"YOU ARE WORTH IT, ALL OF THIS."

The St. Ignatius Chapel at St. Charles College in Grand Coteau, Louisiana

Merry Christmas 2020!

The verse on the front of my Christmas card this year was a great consolation for me to pray with on my silent retreat this past year and for Christmas I wanted to share a bit of that consolation and grace from Jesus with everyone! 

After praying with Matthew 2:1-12, at supper that evening on the same day, I crossed paths with an elderly priest as we headed to our tables. His face was beaming ear to ear with great joy and I wondered what had inspired that as he tended to be pretty straight faced when I saw him. I looked at his plate, all he was having for supper was a pile of rice and 4 fresh chocolate chip cookies! I laughed (silently) to myself! That was very unexpected and gave me a lot of joy to witness his pure joy in something so simple! I imagined this pure genuine, infectious kind of joy must be a tiny glimpse of the immense joy of the Magi upon finding Jesus. 

All of Jerusalem, the “wise,” the leaders and all were completely unaware that their long awaited Messiah, Jesus, had arrived and a star marked the place. These were God's chosen people! The prophets had spoken to them they had been told all the signs and all what their Messiah would be yet they still missed His entrance. Jesus entered our world quietly, but not really intentionally hidden. The wise men, foreigners, found Jesus. The wise men genuinely were seeking the fullness of truth, and so they found what their hearts truly desired. They found the long awaited Messiah. These wise men were entirely spiritually free in that their understanding of what a king should or should not look like where he should or should not be found and all did not bind them from recognizing the King of the Jews. His simple, ordinary, lowly, vulnerable entrance and appearance did not lead them to despair, question or doubt. They in great spiritual freedom simply received Jesus, the Way, Truth, and Life fully as He was. They “rejoiced exceedingly with great joy,” as they shared in God’s abundant unhidden joy in His Son and what was to come for all of humanity through Him! 

For many of us Christmas doesn't look the same as we're accustomed to this year. It isn't what we think it should be and has become part of the great general lament of the year 2020. Many of us did forge on to try to make Christmas celebrations the same. Many had to make sacrifices and changes with their families. My Christmas certainly has been quite different. I wasn't able to see all of my family, and I didn't have multiple gatherings to attend. I knew others were experiencing the same or worse in their circumstances. This left me feeling kind of somber on Christmas Eve, but then I realized while maybe we're being stripped of some or all of the things we love about Christmas, none of those things are Christmas. Christmas is Jesus' birth and the full expression of God's love for us in giving us His Son. God's love unceasingly permeates our lives through His love that knows no bounds that we share now at Christmas and everyday beyond it.  

Especially as this unique and trying year of 2020 comes to an end, and we get ready for a new year of unknowns, let us not get caught up in our own limited expectations and parameters of how we think things should go, or what we have been told and think we should have. As it did the people of Jerusalem, that can blind us from seeing Christ’s goodness in every moment of our lives and in every person we encounter. Jesus is actively loving us in all things, great, small, beautiful, challenging, heart breaking, simple and unexpected. This year as things are different, perhaps we have a greater opportunity, more room, more time for resting in the joy of Christ's birth. 

Let us simply in every moment have great hope in the Lord, and desire His truth and goodness. See the good in even something as simple as a bunch of fresh cookies and have great gratitude to Jesus for all of it. Gratitude is key and as crazy as this year has been there is soooooo much to be grateful for when you really stop to honestly look back on it. God delights in us as we delight in the good we find in His creation as it is all a great gift He freely shares with us constantly. More importantly see God's good in something as simple yet entirely beautiful as the Baby Jesus. I pray your heart is open to simply receive fully God’s true pure immense joy in celebrating the birth of His Son Jesus! This is the source of our Christmas joy! I pray we all seek to be more aware of Jesus, and His unceasing love and joy in us daily, in all things, giving Him always the greatest glory! 

My Tribute to Dr. Richard Douglas Slack 12/25/1942 – 11/14/2020

 

God’s ways of loving and speaking are unique to every individual. Personally, God tends to teach me important lessons in a clear and tangible way through His creation in nature. A year ago I was sitting in silence on a river bank and thinking again about God and how detailed His work of art is in nature and how much more of Him is revealed to us the closer we pay attention and study it. That is what I enjoyed most about majoring in Wildlife and Fisheries sciences, especially the ecology classes, learning more about God’s design for how everything works together. What my professors all taught me has only enriched and brought more detail to these nature reflections with Jesus. As I’ve already told this story in a past blog, a bobcat snuck up on me while I was sitting near that river. It was about 15 yards away from me when I first noticed. When he saw that I saw him he jumped back. He was a really beautiful big cat and at the same time, completely terrifying. He growled at me and that was pretty unnerving to hear. I was definitely scared, but didn’t scream or cry. I instead remained calm and stood up and he jumped back some more still watching me intently. Then I took a slow cautious step out away from the steep river bank and he went back some more. So I decided he was afraid, more than I was, and I took another step out and he ran off. Fr. Kirby invited me to keep thinking about that experience. How when we encounter God, or He places something in our life, it can be beautiful, overwhelming, and terrifying all at the same time. We have to remain calm and trust Him speaking in our hearts to know the next step to take. Then we walk, trusting God with our whole life each day one step at a time. I saw this lesson lived out in a very special professor I had, Dr. R. Douglas Slack.

Dr. Slack's Retirement party. I wish I had a better quality photo but unfortunately this is the best I have.

 

Saturday November 14, 2020 the world lost a tremendous man. Dr. Slack had been on my mind and in my prayers every now and then over the past several years since he retired. A few summers ago I found a little whooping crane Christmas ornament that made me think of him and intended to send it to him then with a thank you letter for all he did for me in school. For one reason or another it ended up being delayed until this last December I decided I ought to stop and take time to get it to him. I emailed Dr. Silvy looking for an address and his response was that Dr. Slack wasn’t doing so well in a special care facility, but gave me an address. I immediately thought the worst and hated I had waited so long to do this. I thought I was too late. I hurried to write him the letter I had always wanted to, telling him what a beautiful impact he had made on my life as a student. This is mostly that letter just rephrased to share about and honor the incredible man he was.

When I transferred into Texas A&M I was coming from a small town where I knew everyone and so felt very lost in the crowd at this university. I had one of Dr. Slack’s classes my second semester and sat near the front in a large lecture hall. I remember a time when on my way to another class I crossed paths with him in a sea of other students hurrying to and from their classes and he acknowledged me, smiled at me and said hello how are you!? It caught me off guard, but made my whole day, that one of my professors remembered me and could pick me out in a crowd. It really means a lot for a person to know they are seen and it sure meant a lot to me day.

Dr. Slack was a professor that took genuine care and interest in each and every student he taught. I am grateful for his support and encouragement to me which began with me visiting him in his office one day during that same 2^nd semester. It was my first as a Wildlife and Fisheries student. I remember being very discouraged by the natural history of vertebrates class and lab. There were a lot of scientific names of species to know. When I met him at his office I told him I wasn’t sure what I was doing anymore or where I was going with this degree or if I was even cut out for it. He talked with me for almost an hour that day. He asked me questions about where I went to school before and where I grew up and about my hobbies and why I was interested in this degree and all. He took time to get to know me. He as well shared some of his own experiences. I remember us talking about the whooping cranes because that was his most treasured work. All in all, he encouraged me to not get down, to remember why I chose this degree and that with good effort I would make it. With this he again made me feel cared for in the sea of people at A&M which gave me the confidence I needed to go forward. Anytime I faced challenges thereafter in any of my classes I always thought back to that conversation and knew I would survive and would make it. I am so glad I stayed and stuck with it.

I am thankful for the wisdom he shared and am glad I was able to take as many classes possible with Dr. Slack before he retired. He had so much he wanted to teach and impart on us. I liked his personal quotes and other quotes that he would add at the top of an assignment, and the syllabus. It was little things like that that showed he really put himself, his heart into teaching. He cared so much about each of us getting a valuable lesson, rather than to just be “passed along.” Because he cared, it guided us to care too. That was something I think I encountered with every professor I had in that department which really made it stand out.

The evening seminar classes were especially the best. I was able to do that for two semesters. Those really helped me to be more prepared for the future. In those, Dr. Slack challenged us to really apply what we had learned at Texas A&M in a real and tangible way. I remember with the last one he had us make a plan for our “dream.” I took that assignment very seriously. I was overwhelmed by it at first and even put it off for a while thinking he was asking us to have life figured out which I definitely did not at that point and still don’t. I brought this assignment to prayer and even up in discussion with one of the pastors I was close to at St. Mary’s. Figuring life all out wasn’t what he was doing obviously, he was giving us tools to go forward to reach those dreams. This was the best assignment. It made us get serious about having goals and knowing what to do to reach them. It made us connect with others already living out the things we imagined doing as well as got us to collaborate and learn from each other in the class. I still use those tools, and I know I wouldn’t be where I am if it were not for that. I’ve used this when trying to get information on teaching projects, or when making a presentation for a talk, or retreat planning. This has as well even helped me to grow in my spiritual life with Jesus. I have a clear idea of where I want to be, as close to Jesus at the foot of His cross as possible. I realize the importance of collaborating and sharing faith and getting all the information I can. I seek advice from and look to others already living their faith as I want to. With God, this has helped me to move forward and get closer to that goal with every action and decision I make. That class was a beautiful gift of formation and growth in life for me and has continued definitely to be so.

Something he told me when I did my final presentation for that class stood out, and I wrote it down not long after. When I did finally present that evening, I talked about how my goal in life is to serve and give of myself for others, how the reason I enjoyed this major was learning more about what all God put into His design and how to take the best care for it. Then I was honest that I wasn’t sure how I would combine both in the future. When I finished Dr. Slack told me I did a great job and he could tell I got a lot out of this project. Then he said, “Alyson I think your goal to serve and your major are most definitely related and you just defined how as you were speaking, being a good Christian means to be a good steward and often we forget that. Science and faith go hand in hand the gap really isn’t as big as most people think it is if you look deeper into it. We need people like you in this field with those values to promote good healthy stewardship and conservation practices in our environment.” I was very touched by that. I had never looked at it this way before and he put things in order and made it clear. What he said gave me new motivation to see how I could serve God, reach out and give of myself to His creation and His people using what I have learned.

As I’ve moved forward from that, what Dr. Slack told me that evening how they are related, has definitely been true in my life and I know that this connection and appreciation for His creation is something special and unique that will continue to go forward with me no matter where I end up. With teaching and just with how I try to live conscious of creation and aware of God’s beauty and love in it, I’m motivated because biodiversity is God’s gift to us. And as I said above, God’s creation is a tremendous gift in which He uses to speak to me and teach me.  

Thinking on the bobcat encounter and what Jesus taught me then, as I said I witnessed it lived out in Dr. Slack. His diagnoses of Parkinson’s disease probably came with some fear and even sadness knowing how that disease plays out. I’m going to say though there was even a beauty in it for him too. It takes a man like Dr. Slack to see that beauty. The beauty is knowing the reality of his situation, the limitations that would soon come. With that he made the decision to retire. In his last year at Texas A&M I was blessed to have him as a professor during both the fall and spring semesters, I witnessed him taking that next step with a calm strength and trust in the Lord as he embraced the challenges and unknowns ahead not holding anything back. He continued that year to give everything he had in teaching us, as he had every semester before. I imagine he poured out even more of himself in that last year. Dr. Slack always had a plan for the future which gave him freedom to live fully in the present, never worrying or hurrying that I saw as he was consistently attentive to all of us, his students.

A few very special things happened in that last year I want to high light. Towards the end of the fall semester he and his wife invited our small seminar class over for dinner out their house. They pulled out all the stops using the fine china and even little dishes for salt I had never seen used in my life. That was so special to be in their company. He cooked his specialty, “Slack’s Paella.” I still have that recipe book and have cooked the Slack’s Paella a few times when entertaining guests. The page is a bit messy now as proof! My guests always enjoyed it though I’m not sure I have ever been able to make it as tasty as his was that evening. During the last spring semester he took our seminar class for a trip to the museum in Houston to see an IMAX about the orphaned baby orangutans and elephants, Born to Be Wild. That was very generous of him to take us all out that day. I bought that DVD when I became a teacher and showed it to every class I had, even the religion ones to lead us into a discussion about caring for God’s creation. Finally I remember his last lecture, I was emotional that day listening to him and am a little teary eyed now thinking back on it. He came dressed to the nines in a tuxedo. He dedicated the lesson to his grandsons. He with every fiber of his being poured out his passion for nature to all of us in that last lecture. It was beautiful and I still have the notes I jotted down from it. We then had a big cake to celebrate him. In all of this Dr. Slack set a good example for us about giving our all even in the face of challenges in life. He as well showed us how important we were to him, we were more than just students, he cared for us like family.

At the IMAX in our 3D goggles

I remember hearing that Dr. Slack retired so that he could spend as much time with his family and grandkids that his health would allow him to knowing it wouldn’t last. Then beyond retiring from what I understand form a brief conversation with Dr. Silvy a few years ago is that he didn’t stop giving of himself to others and to conservation efforts even as his illness was progressing. This was his life’s vocation, loving and caring for his family and as well God’s creation in conservation as they go hand in hand. I was glad to hear that about him and how things were going then. It made me think of St. Pope John Paul II who as well suffered Parkinson’s disease. I gave you Dr. Slack a little medal of St. John Paul II  when he retired. With that diagnosis this Saint as well lived as Dr. Slack did until his death. He continued to pour himself out in love for all people and give a great example to the rest of us of how to live in love even in suffering. This is a Christ-like attribute. In the person he was, Dr. Slack, in all that he taught, in how he lived, in how he cared for others, he showed so many of us the greater importance of humanity in all of God’s creation. How all we were working for in our conservation of biodiversity efforts would point back to, and was for the greater goal, of caring most for our human family, future loved ones, and everyone in the world. The following quotes comes from one of his syllabi.

“We have but one biosphere. We have a responsibility to ensure that we leave this earth ecosystem to our offspring in at least as good condition as we inherited it. Those of us so deeply honored to contribute to Conservation Science have a responsibility to use our skills, or science, and our creativity to maintain the earth’s biodiversity.” – Doug Slack. 

Dr. Slack exuded this reality and vital truth in everything he did and said. This is what this field of study is or should be all about when you get deep into it. Caring for the environment, the home God has given us as a gift, is how we can care for all people world-wide, now and in the future, especially the poor and vulnerable who have little resources already and end up being affected most by the loss of a healthy natural environment. So, the way I see it Dr. Slack’s work in conservation, in research and in teaching and in his participation in policies and such was and is all a great act of charity for the world. This truth to live by is what I learned from his life of humble, selfless stewardship, even though I only knew him a short while. His life is a great blessing. I see this, and God sees infinitely more. I would imagine when he did meet Jesus that he would be one Christ smiles at and says “Well done my good and faithful steward.”

When I sent that letter and little whooping crane out to Dr. Slack I was very glad to receive a letter back from his wife telling me how he was doing and even included a recent Christmas photo. She invited me to come visit if I was ever in the area. Some chance circumstances lead me to be in Austin for the day back at the end of February of this year. While I was eating lunch I thought maybe I should call and see if they don’t mind having a visitor. Out of shyness I almost did not as I worried that it was too last minute of a request. They both graciously invited me over for a couple hours. To my surprise, I found Dr. Slack in good spirits and up and happy to see me. He had the little whooping crane hanging in his room. We took a walk and he gave me a tour of his home telling me all about it and the beyond excellent care he was in. What I was most amused by is that he was still studying and observing! He was of course limited by being confined to the facility so he took to watching people, his fellow residents, and learned quite a bit from them! Just further proof this was his vocation and passion to understand and appreciate better God’s creation. We talked for a long time just catching up and all. I learned a lot in those few hours. We talked about my letter and the importance of telling people how you appreciate them when you get the chance. He and his wife shared how they ended up in such good care there in Austin and I learned about the value and freedom in having an idea of what you hope for and setting out towards that even though you may not have all the details figured out. You just have to trust Jesus and live one day at a time in gratitude.

This is what I witnessed in both he and his wife that day, two people living with a lot of grace, gratitude, and acceptance, appreciating all they had in life as best they could where they were. This called to mind a cactus lesson God gave me once. I found a prickly pear cactus growing way up high in a tree. How it got there, who knows, but it was thriving. It made me think about how God can make good no matter where we end up in life even if it seems far from the norm or doesn’t make sense to us. Sure living in this facility wasn't in the plan before his illness was discovered, but that is where life lead them and to me it seemed they went beyond making the best of it, not just surviving but thriving.

Mrs. Slack had to go to a meeting and left me with Dr. Slack for a bit alone. We talked some more about the classes I had with him and what I was doing then at present. I was getting ready to make my 30 day silent retreat and he was very interested to know how that would all turn out for me. So I planned to make another visit when I returned to share my adventure with him and his wife. Before I left he said, “Dr. Silvy really had you worried I was dying didn’t he?” I said yes to be honest he sure did. “He gave me a good hug and with a big smile said, “well don’t you worry I am doing good and plan on being around another 5 or 10 years.” With that I left feeling very grateful for this man’s life and very much loved.

Unfortunately we all know what happened shortly thereafter in March of 2020. So a 2^nd trip was never possible, which made me incredibly sad especially learning what happened to his health once isolation began. I don’t want to dwell on that though because at the same time there is so much to be grateful for. I’m entirely grateful for a lot. I’m grateful Jesus inspired me to finally reach out and take action to get that little whooping crane to him. I am very thankful for the sense of urgency in Dr. Silvy’s email. I’m grateful I did make the call to visit them rather than give into my worries and shyness. I’m grateful they were free for me to visit. I’m grateful for those last few hours I had to be in his presence again for the first time since he had retired. I’m grateful for all the most valuable life lessons he taught me both as a student and when I was with him again earlier this year.

I invite you to pray with me for the soul of Dr. Slack and as well for his wife and family during this difficult time. Every loss is hard but a man like Dr. Slack is particularly hard to lose. He was a man who freely let the love and goodness of Jesus work through him, so many encountered the love of Christ in being known and cared for by Dr. Slack. I plan to honor his life by continuing to live in awareness, wonder and awe in appreciating the great gift of God’s creation. I as well want to live by Dr. Slack’s example, especially when faced with overwhelming challenges and fear. Take things one step at a time calmly trusting Jesus, living in gratitude for the great good in all things, and still give Him my all in every present moment no matter what happens or where I am all for God’s greater glory.

Thank you Jesus for the incredible gift of Dr. Slack

 The official Obituary for Dr. Slack can be read at this link.

https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/austin-tx/richard-slack-9903244

 

Dr. Slack is so special he got a whole page in my Aggie scrapbook!