This post comes a long time after my last one. I've had a few things on my mind I've thought to share, but never really stopped to spend time to reflect further on those things. I constantly have this running list of things in my head I think need to get done before I can really sit down with no distractions. I don't mean necessarily to sit down and share a blog, but just to sit down daily period, in silence, to be with God wherever I am at. One would think a single person would have an easier time with that. When I have had time, daily, I tend to be distracted by things I could be getting done. Something tells me "oh your prayer would never be fruitful anyway because you'd be worrying about this stuff you didn't do yet, so you should get that done first then pray." See every time that happens things get shoved before God. Then when I have "finished" I often I end up kind of mindless on social media, scrolling, and "catching up" on other people's lives. I also tend to do a lot of reading online, anything that catches my attention, scientific updates, church news, local news, or even reflections and blogs of others. Before I know it there is no time, it is late and time to go to bed or move on to the next thing. None of these things are really bad or sinful in and of itself. However, I've come to realize that's the spirit working against me, trying to keep me from silence and solitude in prayer, trying to keep me from being as close as I can to the feet of Jesus. "The more the soul is in solitude and seclusion, the more fit it renders itself to approach and be united with its Creator and Lord." -St. Ignatius of Loyola Satan knows this! So he's going to do whatever he can to subtly and effectively keep us from that for as long as he can. It's tricky, like I said, none of those things I mentioned are bad, so I hardly notice its happening really that I'm being pulled away from Jesus constantly. We need more silence and solitude!
Recently I became very aware of this reality I just described when I attended a silent retreat lead by Fr. Kirby out at our Spiritual Renewal Center. It began the Thursday evening before Thanksgiving week and ended on Sunday morning, the Feast of Christ the King. I was long overdue for a retreat and this kind of retreat was much needed. Have you ever come home from a retreat and felt like you needed a retreat to re-cooperate from the retreat? Well that definitely was not the case with this one. I came back feeling very refreshed and much more myself. From the moment the silence began I put my phone on airplane mode and only used it as an alarm...I was very surprised how long my battery lasted. I was more in awe of just where God can bring you in the silence when you are able to cut out your normal distractions cold turkey.
I just want to share one interesting thing that happened to me in the silence and some quotes from the retreat (in yellow). Each day of the retreat, Fr. Kirby gave a talk to begin our day then left us to the Holy Spirit to reflect, pray, spend time in adoration, go on a walk take a nap etc. After hearing the talk Saturday morning the key points both clicked together for me and my first prayer session that morning was very fruitful and enlightening. God had a lot to teach me in it and I’m sure we’ll continue to unpack it. After a while I needed to get out so I went for a walk. The things from my session were still on my mind, but as I walked further I was able to become more silent in my mind and just enjoy nature and the beautiful sunny day we had. I intended to just walk the perimeter of the main part of the property, but decided to go check out the river as well. I walked along it a little ways where the grass was shredded and decided to sit on the edge of the bank which was very high and steep and enjoy the view. I sat under a mesquite tree where I wasn’t really hidden, but I was far enough to where I couldn’t see anyone anymore and so really felt the solitude.
"Sounds and emotions detach us from ourselves, whereas silence always forces men to reflect upon his own life. The greatest mysteries of the world are born and unfold in silence. How does nature develop? In the greatest silence. A tree grows in silence, the sun that rises over the earth in its splendor and grandeur warms us in silence. What is extraordinary is always silent." -The Power of Silence - Cardinal Sarah.
"Sounds and emotions detach us from ourselves, whereas silence always forces men to reflect upon his own life. The greatest mysteries of the world are born and unfold in silence. How does nature develop? In the greatest silence. A tree grows in silence, the sun that rises over the earth in its splendor and grandeur warms us in silence. What is extraordinary is always silent." -The Power of Silence - Cardinal Sarah.
As I sat there I still thought about that last session asking God what to do with it, but as well was noticing nature “unfold” around me. It was very quiet and calm and I didn’t hear much more than just a gentle breeze in the trees and a bird fluttering around every now and then. At one point a little bird landed quite close and checked me out before darting off. A saw a flock of ducks fly up the river following the curves of the river rather than flying straight and thought that was really neat. I wondered where the alligators were or turtles and figured it was probably a bit cold to see them active. I looked at the trees and the grass and the longer I looked the more detail I was able to see. The longer I looked the more I noticed the different colors and different sizes and shapes of leaves. You may think okay so what's the point. For me I realized God took a lot of care in every small detail that made up this whole beautiful picture. I reflected on how much more I was able to see while being still and silent than I normally do when I’m on a walk or in a hurry to go some place. I tend to miss the little things. This is how it works with God too. When we are still and silent there is so much more we are able to receive from Him, so much more He’s able to get us to see. He is there filling every small detail of our day and so much of the time we hurry on past and do not notice. I was very thankful for this time, it was a huge gift to be able to stop and let God unfold things before me as He had more of my attention in the silence.
Every so often while I sat on the bank, I would look back up to the hall and check my watch to make sure I would have enough time to cover the distance of the field to make it to lunch at a good time. I wondered if I should continue trying to make the perimeter, but was content staying still where I was enjoying my view. Finally it was about 5 minutes to lunch and I looked up to the hall then looked back to the river one last time. I as well looked a little to my left which I hadn’t done so really the whole time I sat there just looking at the river. Out of the corner of my eye suddenly I saw a furry something do a quick spin around and jump back. It made a low strange growl. In my mind I thought some weird little stray dog or raccoon had found me and was curious. This happened in an instant. When I was turned fully around I found myself staring into the intense wild grey eyes of a very large bobcat! He was entirely beautiful, his fur was perfect and thick and had the prettiest colors and pattern. He had longer fur framed around his face. At the same time, being entirely beautiful, he was as well entirely terrifying. He growled and showed his teeth and stood there, every muscle tensed, powerful, ready to move. We both just stared at each other motionless.
My first thought the second after taking in what I was looking at was that I need help, I need to call my dad. Of course being it was a silent retreat I didn’t have my phone on me and sense came a second later and I thought what could he really do for you Alyson at this point? What could anyone really do for me even if you did have your phone? It occurred to me that this is it, this could be how it ends. God’s beautiful and terrifying creation could go for my neck and then maul my face off and there isn't a whole lot I could do against something like that. People being attacked by a bobcat isn't entirely unheard of. There was a slight sinking in my hope thinking there isn’t any way out, I can’t out run this, climbing the little tree would do no good, and I have nothing to defend myself. These thoughts all ran through my head quite quickly. I remained calm though and strangely was at peace as in not crying or in a terrified panic. Thankfully I haven’t been in too many terrifying situations in the past, but when I have, I cried and/or panicked. Finally I decided I had to try something and couldn’t just sit here vulnerable on the edge of this river bank. So very slowly I stood up keeping my eyes on the cat. I still had this peace and calm about me. He trotted back a little ways keeping his eyes locked on me and growled again. I wondered if possibly he was more scared of me than I was of him so I took a very small step towards the direction of the hall and away from him. He trotted back a little further and stared at me still baring his teeth. I decided I was mostly sure that he was scared of me so took one more, larger step with more confidence, still calm. With this he ran off fast and I lost sight of him behind a brush pile.
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Not my photos obviously! But just wanted to give you an idea of what "beautiful and terrifying" looks like. |
I immediately walked as fast as I could in the other direction towards the hall. A rush of relief over-came me and I had the biggest grin on my face thinking wow, wow thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus for saving me! I could not believe what just happened. I looked back at the spot where I had been sitting moments ago and where I had first seen the cat. I walked back over to the spot and looked around at where he had to have come from. I realized he was incredible at being stealthy and had sneaked up on me perhaps curious at what this thing was sitting by the river. I just couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard him or anything as he got that close. I walked back quickly to the hall full of adrenaline from that event. I laughed which seems crazy now that I think about it, thinking good gosh I can’t even tell anyone about this now. I took a detour to my room to get rid of my gloves and hat. Since I couldn’t talk about it I decided to write it all down to process what just happened. The rest of the afternoon this experience came up over and over in my head. I wondered what the take away was, if this is what was going to be stuck in my head then hopefully God had something for me to learn.
When sharing this experience with the rest of the group after silence was lifted on Sunday, Fr. Kirby asked me to go back to when I said that it was beautiful and terrifying at the same time. He asked me to describe why it was that way. So I described the bobcat’s physical beauty, but as well the knowledge of what it could do. He then said I want you to sit with that. Often when we encounter God in our life it can be like that, beautiful and terrifying at the same time.
I’m still sitting with it. I first think about people God called in the bible. How beautiful it must have been to be called by God and to be in His presence, but at the same time terrifying. In the Old Testament for one example, Moses came upon the burning bush which I imagine would be beautiful and terrifying to see. Add in God speaking to him clearly through the bush and we know by Moses's reaction that was both a beautiful and terrifying experience. In the New Testament there is the Annunciation, Mary encountering the angel Gabriel. Not just what she saw, but the message as well would have been both beautiful and terrifying. Gabriel even had to tell her to not be afraid. In both cases, Moses and Mary where coming from a place of silence and solitude when they encountered God in this way. While Moses is quite relatable in the way he reacted and beyond that, Mary gives us the perfect example of how one responds when God truly is King, Lord of their life. I definitely know this still is the case with people when God calls them to something specific in their life. In vocation stories I've heard for both married friends and friends entering religious life, God called and invited them in silent prayer. Beautiful and terrifying are both words that can fit in their stories, and as well that steady peace and calm that lets them know this is of God. With God as their King, they responded to His call with His grace, peace and courage. It may seem overwhelming, impossible or even uncomfortable, but He is God, He is there, He is present with us in it. The bigger picture beyond our fears and worries with it is beautiful. This is something I need to internalize.
When sharing this experience with the rest of the group after silence was lifted on Sunday, Fr. Kirby asked me to go back to when I said that it was beautiful and terrifying at the same time. He asked me to describe why it was that way. So I described the bobcat’s physical beauty, but as well the knowledge of what it could do. He then said I want you to sit with that. Often when we encounter God in our life it can be like that, beautiful and terrifying at the same time.
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
This verse was printed on the front of a little guide we received for the weekend and I think it sums up pretty well what God is having me learn from this experience especially as we approached and celebrated Christ the King on Sunday.
I’m still sitting with it. I first think about people God called in the bible. How beautiful it must have been to be called by God and to be in His presence, but at the same time terrifying. In the Old Testament for one example, Moses came upon the burning bush which I imagine would be beautiful and terrifying to see. Add in God speaking to him clearly through the bush and we know by Moses's reaction that was both a beautiful and terrifying experience. In the New Testament there is the Annunciation, Mary encountering the angel Gabriel. Not just what she saw, but the message as well would have been both beautiful and terrifying. Gabriel even had to tell her to not be afraid. In both cases, Moses and Mary where coming from a place of silence and solitude when they encountered God in this way. While Moses is quite relatable in the way he reacted and beyond that, Mary gives us the perfect example of how one responds when God truly is King, Lord of their life. I definitely know this still is the case with people when God calls them to something specific in their life. In vocation stories I've heard for both married friends and friends entering religious life, God called and invited them in silent prayer. Beautiful and terrifying are both words that can fit in their stories, and as well that steady peace and calm that lets them know this is of God. With God as their King, they responded to His call with His grace, peace and courage. It may seem overwhelming, impossible or even uncomfortable, but He is God, He is there, He is present with us in it. The bigger picture beyond our fears and worries with it is beautiful. This is something I need to internalize.
The more I think about it now over a week after the event, the more I realize just how bad it all could have gone. What if that bobcat had come closer? What if I hadn’t turned to see him and startled him? What if he had decided to attack me in his fear or even anger I was in his territory, rather than take off in the other direction? In that moment I had no control. There was nothing I could do....on my own. The things that I've given my attention to in life, things I worry too much over especially the unknowns with my future and all didn't matter in that moment. I know that God was with me because I am still here in one piece. I even imagine my guardian angel standing there unseen by me, but perhaps by the big cat. I know God was with me and in control, He kept me calm and at peace and gave me the courage to stand up and step out when there seemed to be no other options. However, I may not have reacted this way had it not been for the time of silence to be still with God. I am so very thankful this all ended the way it did. In reflecting back on this I ultimately hear God telling me, "see I have you, I hold you in the palm of my hand. I protect you, I give you life, I am your Father, I love you with everything, I have plans for you. So why do you fear, why do you worry, why do you doubt and hesitate, why do you live your way over mine?" This puts things in life into perspective. If God is who He says He is (He is) and death is a reality we all face with Heaven or Hell on the other end of it, then that should direct how we live, how time is spent, where we place God. I do think about dying from time to time, in a healthy way considering that it is always before us. I want to be well, healed and whole to enter Heaven at that point. But am I living that way? Is Jesus the King of my life?
"You shall have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:3
This experience was a wake up call to the reality that I struggle with the first commandment and the greatest commandment, and perhaps this is one obstacle keeping me from embracing the life God desires for me with grace and complete trust. I am more Moses than Mary, but even Moses has me topped in his trust in God. I share this because maybe this struggle is more common for us all than we tend to think. It's easy to move past it saying well I don't worship weird pagan statues or do witchcraft or any of that other weird stuff listed in a common examination of conscience under the first commandment, so I'm good. But other things can become false gods, clothes, sports, hobbies, social media, a tv show, money, success, addictions, celebrities, other people we idolize, or even ourselves. Those are only a few examples and some of them are not even bad by themselves, but when we put them before God and give them all our attention and devote more to them than our relationship with God, they become false gods taking up our lives. Throughout the weekend in the silence I actually became aware of the ways in my life though that I essentially say "I'm god and You're not," and then put other things (gods so to speak) before Him. In the silence the closer I was to God the less these things seemed to really matter.
Just one example I will share with how I struggle with this is when I insist that things go my way and get bothered when His way is not the way I would have done it. Like the plan I had for my own life, according to me this is not how it should look at this point. And I worry over what will happen and even get frustrated that nothing seems to be happening. Or with death, there have been times when I was upset and let down that my prayers were not answered as I would have had them and I lost people I loved. Fr. Kirby reflected well on this in his Christ the King homily on Sunday. Jesus isn't the kind of king we expect. The closer we are to His feet from the foot of the cross, the better we can see it His way. God did heal and save those people I prayed for who passed away, just not in the way I expected. In both those situations my mistake is trying and insisting on my way, on having control rather than trusting it all into the loving and merciful hands of Jesus. With this bobcat I was in a place of no control I had to fully trust in God's real presence with me.
And as well, this "I'm god and You're not," is essentially what I am saying when I sin. It is what we're all doing and saying to God when we choose sin. I put me first, above God and His wisdom, love, and plans for me. Like this bobcat, temptations can slip up on me without me even realizing it until it’s right there before me and it would seem I am about to lose. I would lose without God. I sat there and stared at the cat and saw a beauty in it at first even though it was quite dangerous. The temptation to sin can look this way to us too as Satan knows what will trip us up and tricks us. It is is usually easy to be able to see things we know are harmful and sinful that exist in our lives. I think more about the "not evil" things I mentioned above that I use and end up "excusing" myself from deeper prayer. These are ways that subtly creep in and I put these things before God essentially failing with the first commandment and the greatest commandment as I let them rule my life.
We need silence and solitude to be better aware of these temptations in life and to be able to face them with God's grace. This is one reason a daily silent examination of conscience is so helpful. When we're able to see those areas we struggle most with, it is best to acknowledge it, and what it could lead to, but then don’t even mess with it, and quickly avoid it as God lead me to do with the bobcat. When we invite God into our lives, give Him that space, He works in our hearts to heal and strengthen us. The closer we come to Him in that silence and solitude, the temptation to sin then holds less and less power over us.
"You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." Matthew 22:37
I don't want to live in a way, looking at my daily life from the perspective of "okay God here is where I can pencil you in." Rather I want to look at daily life from the perspective of God first and center, now let everything else can fall into place around that. I want to be as close as I can to the feet of Jesus with Mary at the foot of the cross, to trust fully in His plans, even when I don't see the big picture or understand. I want to let God have the control. I know some things are beyond my control, but I have to work positively with generously giving God all what I have. I desire my life to be centered and ordered around my relationship with God. It will mean setting boundaries and sticking to them which will require discipline and even sacrifice. It will mean facing fears that have always followed me. From this brief situation though I experienced in a very real way that God is with me, He's got this and I need not be afraid. As terrifying as it all may seem, just like when I took a very uncertain step with the bobcat, letting go, stepping out into the unknown with God is daunting to me, but I know will be entirely beautiful and worth it.
"You shall have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:3
This experience was a wake up call to the reality that I struggle with the first commandment and the greatest commandment, and perhaps this is one obstacle keeping me from embracing the life God desires for me with grace and complete trust. I am more Moses than Mary, but even Moses has me topped in his trust in God. I share this because maybe this struggle is more common for us all than we tend to think. It's easy to move past it saying well I don't worship weird pagan statues or do witchcraft or any of that other weird stuff listed in a common examination of conscience under the first commandment, so I'm good. But other things can become false gods, clothes, sports, hobbies, social media, a tv show, money, success, addictions, celebrities, other people we idolize, or even ourselves. Those are only a few examples and some of them are not even bad by themselves, but when we put them before God and give them all our attention and devote more to them than our relationship with God, they become false gods taking up our lives. Throughout the weekend in the silence I actually became aware of the ways in my life though that I essentially say "I'm god and You're not," and then put other things (gods so to speak) before Him. In the silence the closer I was to God the less these things seemed to really matter.
Just one example I will share with how I struggle with this is when I insist that things go my way and get bothered when His way is not the way I would have done it. Like the plan I had for my own life, according to me this is not how it should look at this point. And I worry over what will happen and even get frustrated that nothing seems to be happening. Or with death, there have been times when I was upset and let down that my prayers were not answered as I would have had them and I lost people I loved. Fr. Kirby reflected well on this in his Christ the King homily on Sunday. Jesus isn't the kind of king we expect. The closer we are to His feet from the foot of the cross, the better we can see it His way. God did heal and save those people I prayed for who passed away, just not in the way I expected. In both those situations my mistake is trying and insisting on my way, on having control rather than trusting it all into the loving and merciful hands of Jesus. With this bobcat I was in a place of no control I had to fully trust in God's real presence with me.
And as well, this "I'm god and You're not," is essentially what I am saying when I sin. It is what we're all doing and saying to God when we choose sin. I put me first, above God and His wisdom, love, and plans for me. Like this bobcat, temptations can slip up on me without me even realizing it until it’s right there before me and it would seem I am about to lose. I would lose without God. I sat there and stared at the cat and saw a beauty in it at first even though it was quite dangerous. The temptation to sin can look this way to us too as Satan knows what will trip us up and tricks us. It is is usually easy to be able to see things we know are harmful and sinful that exist in our lives. I think more about the "not evil" things I mentioned above that I use and end up "excusing" myself from deeper prayer. These are ways that subtly creep in and I put these things before God essentially failing with the first commandment and the greatest commandment as I let them rule my life.
We need silence and solitude to be better aware of these temptations in life and to be able to face them with God's grace. This is one reason a daily silent examination of conscience is so helpful. When we're able to see those areas we struggle most with, it is best to acknowledge it, and what it could lead to, but then don’t even mess with it, and quickly avoid it as God lead me to do with the bobcat. When we invite God into our lives, give Him that space, He works in our hearts to heal and strengthen us. The closer we come to Him in that silence and solitude, the temptation to sin then holds less and less power over us.
"You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." Matthew 22:37
I don't want to live in a way, looking at my daily life from the perspective of "okay God here is where I can pencil you in." Rather I want to look at daily life from the perspective of God first and center, now let everything else can fall into place around that. I want to be as close as I can to the feet of Jesus with Mary at the foot of the cross, to trust fully in His plans, even when I don't see the big picture or understand. I want to let God have the control. I know some things are beyond my control, but I have to work positively with generously giving God all what I have. I desire my life to be centered and ordered around my relationship with God. It will mean setting boundaries and sticking to them which will require discipline and even sacrifice. It will mean facing fears that have always followed me. From this brief situation though I experienced in a very real way that God is with me, He's got this and I need not be afraid. As terrifying as it all may seem, just like when I took a very uncertain step with the bobcat, letting go, stepping out into the unknown with God is daunting to me, but I know will be entirely beautiful and worth it.
This terrifying and beautiful event will stick with me and I'll continue sitting with it. I want to encourage anyone who reads this, and made it this far, to try silence and solitude. The Advent season is the perfect time for it. It will be the most challenging as it tends to be the busiest time of year as we approach the holidays, but this is when we need it most. There is always going to be a spirit working against us to pull us away from encountering Christ and perhaps it works extra hard at that around the celebration of Christmas with God engaging with His creation in the most humble and intimate way possible. That spirit against us doesn't want us to know Who God is nor go any deeper than the surface with our relationship with God. You know one negative thought that came to my mind going into this retreat was "it won't be long enough." I'm glad I didn't let it go as far as "it won't be long enough so don't even bother." How many times do we do that when it comes to prayer? God can work with any amount of time, what matters is that we generously give Him as much as we honestly can. I did come away from the retreat saying "it wasn't long enough," but in a positive way thinking I have to have more of this! When I said before that I went away from this retreat feeling "more myself" that was very real and honest. The closer we get to Jesus the more we will be who we were created to be. This experience was so good for me and I desire other people to experience this goodness as well and be able to draw closer to Jesus and become more wholly the person He made them to be.
So even if you can't cut cold turkey from everything that is pulling at you, get creative and at least try and get away for some silence and solitude this Advent. It likely will require some sacrifice and change from your normal routine. It might require getting up earlier, or maybe you possibly invite your family to try it too even if it's just for a short while. If you can, get away from your house even for a little bit. While out running errands or something go to church, or sit in an adoration chapel as long as you can with Jesus. Carve out some time to take a walk in a quiet park or just walk out in your pasture if you have that (just be more aware of your surroundings than I was). Even if you can't get away, find a way for solitude and silence to exist when you can wherever that may be. Use scripture, a reflection from a devotional, reflect on the Sunday readings in a missalette, or just be still and rest in God's love in silence. In the midst of everything you're carrying or going through, good and bad just simply trust Him and let Him love you. "Be still and know that He is God."
