Something important I learned through the exercises of St. Ignatius is that there is more we can glean from the gospel than just what is written by using our imagination and getting into the story with all our own natural human experiences. These people in the Bible were real people like you and me. They experienced similar joys and struggles as we do. They laughed and cried together and had meals and visited with their friends. They found excitement in their successes, enjoyed tasty food, likely some of them bemoaned early mornings or got impatient with an obstinate farm animal. I could go on and on, the point is knowing the simple ordinary things we experience daily we can get a better picture of what the characters in the Bible may have been experiencing as we read and pray with them in scripture.
Jesus was fully God and as well fully man. So we can get to know the man Jesus was knowing He lived and experienced all the same feelings, and emotions etc that we do. With that Fr. Ostini my director last spring asked me to focus on Jesus and what all He was experiencing in His humanity through the events of that last week Jesus walked the streets before His crucifixion. It brought a somber feel to that week I couldn’t really shake even when I was not in prayer. Jesus gave me graces daily all through the retreat, but the most special and life altering one came the night I sat cross legged on the corner of the rug gazing at the crucifix in the St. Ignatius chapel reflecting on His crucifixion and I want to share that.
First I thought of the events of that night. Jesus knew what would happen. He spent hours of agony in the garden, He was betrayed, arrested, shoved and forced all over the streets of Jerusalem as His captors dealt with Him. He was abandoned by His disciples then questioned and mocked. Then He scourged and condemned. Had to carry His cross and then be nailed to die upon it amongst two thieves all in the sight of His blessed mother. He then gave up His life to the Father for all of us and died.
Upon the crucifix now Jesus is physically entirely exhausted, dehydrated, bruised, bleeding from everywhere, He sweat blood, is in searing pain in every cell of His human body. He is unable to relax whatsoever. He has limited to no control on his movements. He can’t breathe properly and every breath is in excruciating pain as He must pull and push on the nails in His hands and feet just to breathe. Even to speak brings excruciating pain which makes each of His final words so much more precious knowing the great pain He chose to endure to make sure we heard them. There is no comfort at this point even if He were released. Jesus is not just in physical agony though. He feels deep rejection by the people, abandonment from his disciples. He feels unloved, hated, and despised by all those taking part in His condemnation, beating and torture. He is in the most vulnerable state being stripped of everything, humiliated and exposed. He is treated with no dignity. He can’t escape to hide, can’t reach out to anyone and no one can reach out to Him. He as well in His divinity knows the whole picture of what is taking place around Him in all these people. So much pain. He knows Judas’s pain, the worst despair and hopelessness. His heart aches to comfort, love, forgive and stop Judas from the worst, his suicide. He is hurt by Peter’s denial of Him but as well knows Peter’s deep sorrow and regret. He feels abandoned by the rest of His closest disciples except John. He knows and feels their fear, turmoil, stress and despair with what all is taking place. He longs to console them. He feels the hate and hardness of heart of the ones doing this who ridicule and mock Him. Their hearts are like stones cast at Him as He hangs on the cross. He sees His mother there and feels deep sorrowful pain seeing her heart pierced as she experiences this all with Him.
Knowing who Jesus is we know that He feels true mercy and forgiveness for all these people, “forgive them Father they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34 He is doing this for them too and that is beyond perfect love as He sees what it does to His mother and people closest to Him. He is heart broken for these people who He desires to permeate with His love, but many reject Him. He loves the thieves with Him and feels loved by the good thief and that does not go unnoticed. He desires to be loved, held, and protected. He feels loved by those who have stayed near Him, there to remain present with Him in His suffering. He loves them and delivers His mother into the hands of the one disciple, John, who remained with Jesus and Mary instead of hiding. He entrusts us all to her love in this action and desires that we love her too.
The Jewish leaders thought they had won, that they had control, that they were putting an end to Jesus and showing or teaching His followers a lesson. Caiaphus, the high priest as he advised the other Jewish leaders even said "it is better that one man die for the people." John 18:14 Little did he know the Truth of his words. I imagine Satan there and Jesus able to see him going about gloating and taunting Jesus, tempting Him to give up and save Himself and kill these people.
I sat there as I thought about all of this and kept coming back to Mary and seeing Mary’s pain. Then I asked Jesus, “how could you do this?” I wondered how could you stay on the crucifix and let these people do this to you and to her? How could you watch her continue to be caused so much deep pain? How could you let us do this to her, to you?
Then in my prayer I realize that even as Jesus is fully man and experiencing this wholly in His humanity, He is also experiencing in His divinity. Jesus in HIs divinity knows what He is doing and who He is doing this for. I imagined as He hung on that crucifix He saw the faces of every person who lived on the earth before that time, every individual soul, the holiest and the worst of sinners and He said, “they are worth it.” He could see every living face of every soul there present at the time of His life and crucifixion. He could see the souls of all those around Him in that moment, even those so marred and ugly by their great sins. He looks upon them with perfect love and mercy and says, “you are worth it.” Even as He watches His mother there suffer, He feels this with His whole heart. He then looks upon the faces and souls of every person who will come to being beyond this point, again the holiest of saints and the most horrific of sinners. At this point some of the holiest and the worst of sinners came to mind. Yes even for these Jesus says, “they are all worth it.” Jesus in His divinity sees the faces of all of us, past, present and future and He chooses to remain on the cross out of love for us.
Then Jesus pierced my heart at that point. It became very real to me that Jesus as He hung on the crucifix even saw my face. He saw Alyson. I see His face, full of love I’ve never known from anybody but Him. His face is marred now and I must see His love through tears, wounds, bruises, blood, sweat, dirt and pain. I know that I have caused that. Jesus sees my face, my soul, and says, “You are worth it.” He says I am worth all of that which I see on the crucifix. In that moment I heard Him in my heart speaking that personally to me. In my whole being I felt so perfectly loved.
Then it as well broke my heart for Him. I could never be grateful enough. He sees little, insignificant me, imperfect, distracted and all and He says I am worth all of this suffering. I am worth that cross. I am worth pursuing, I am worth His time, I am worth it as me, just Alyson.
If He thinks that I am worth all of that, then how much more is life in Him, His love, worth it to me? Is He not enough? Is this cross and Him on it not enough to convince me of His love? It is Jesus! You are enough! You are worth it. You are worth denying myself for. I began to wonder what that meant, what it should look like in my life and then fell into desolation as I thought I don’t love Jesus enough. Recognizing that I quickly went back into resting in His words, “You are worth it.”
Now the rest of that grace continued to unfold beyond my retreat when later in spiritual direction Fr. Kirby pointed out to me that I am God’s pearl of great price that He the merchant gives up everything for. A pearl cannot do anything for anyone but sit there and look pretty and that is exactly the point. God loves me perfectly with everything as I am, I am enough as Alyson, I am worth it, worth the cross.
Before leaving on that retreat Fr. Kirby told me my only goal should be to get as close to the loving feet of Jesus on the cross as possible. I did not know what I would find there, what I would learn. That night Jesus brought me to the foot of His cross. He told me in my heart, you are worth it, and that means everything. Fr. Ostini pointed out that these words of Jesus perfectly dispels the lie I had once believed that I wasn't enough. On my own I am not, but because of Jesus and His goodness in me, I am. Jesus says I am worth the cross.
Jesus' goodness resides in you too. You too are worth the cross. Jesus from His crucifix sees you too and He says,
"YOU ARE WORTH IT, ALL OF THIS."
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| The St. Ignatius Chapel at St. Charles College in Grand Coteau, Louisiana |
