Silence, Solitude, and a Bobcat

"Silence guards the inner heat of religious emotions. This inner heat is the life of the Holy Spirit within us. Thus, silence is the discipline by which the inner fire of God is tended and kept alive...Silence is a sacred discipline, a guard of the Holy Spirit." -Fr. Henri Nouwen
       
           This post comes a long time after my last one. I've had a few things on my mind I've thought to share, but never really stopped to spend time to reflect further on those things. I constantly have this running list of things in my head I think need to get done before I can really sit down with no distractions. I don't mean necessarily to sit down and share a blog, but just to sit down daily period, in silence, to be with God wherever I am at. One would think a single person would have an easier time with that. When I have had time, daily, I tend to be distracted by things I could be getting done. Something tells me "oh your prayer would never be fruitful anyway because you'd be worrying about this stuff you didn't do yet, so you should get that done first then pray." See every time that happens things get shoved before God. Then when I have "finished" I often I end up kind of mindless on social media, scrolling, and "catching up" on other people's lives. I also tend to do a lot of reading online, anything that catches my attention, scientific updates, church news, local news, or even reflections and blogs of others. Before I know it there is no time, it is late and time to go to bed or move on to the next thing. None of these things are really bad or sinful in and of itself. However, I've come to realize that's the spirit working against me, trying to keep me from silence and solitude in prayer, trying to keep me from being as close as I can to the feet of Jesus.  "The more the soul is in solitude and seclusion, the more fit it renders itself to approach and be united with its Creator and Lord." -St. Ignatius of Loyola Satan knows this! So he's going to do whatever he can to subtly and effectively keep us from that for as long as he can. It's tricky, like I said, none of those things I mentioned are bad, so I hardly notice its happening really that I'm being pulled away from Jesus constantly. We need more silence and solitude!

            Recently I became very aware of this reality I just described when I attended a silent retreat lead by Fr. Kirby out at our Spiritual Renewal Center. It began the Thursday evening before Thanksgiving week and ended on Sunday morning, the Feast of Christ the King. I was long overdue for a retreat and this kind of retreat was much needed. Have you ever come home from a retreat and felt like you needed a retreat to re-cooperate from the retreat? Well that definitely was not the case with this one. I came back feeling very refreshed and much more myself. From the moment the silence began I put my phone on airplane mode and only used it as an alarm...I was very surprised how long my battery lasted. I was more in awe of just where God can bring you in the silence when you are able to cut out your normal distractions cold turkey.

           I just want to share one interesting thing that happened to me in the silence and some quotes from the retreat (in yellow). Each day of the retreat, Fr. Kirby gave a talk to begin our day then left us to the Holy Spirit to reflect, pray, spend time in adoration, go on a walk take a nap etc. After hearing the talk Saturday morning the key points both clicked together for me and my first prayer session that morning was very fruitful and enlightening. God had a lot to teach me in it and I’m sure we’ll continue to unpack it. After a while I needed to get out so I went for a walk. The things from my session were still on my mind, but as I walked further I was able to become more silent in my mind and just enjoy nature and the beautiful sunny day we had. I intended to just walk the perimeter of the main part of the property, but decided to go check out the river as well. I walked along it a little ways where the grass was shredded and decided to sit on the edge of the bank which was very high and steep and enjoy the view. I sat under a mesquite tree where I wasn’t really hidden, but I was far enough to where I couldn’t see anyone anymore and so really felt the solitude.

"Sounds and emotions detach us from ourselves, whereas silence always forces men to reflect upon his own life. The greatest mysteries of the world are born and unfold in silence. How does nature develop?  In the greatest silence. A tree grows in silence, the sun that rises over the earth in its splendor and grandeur warms us in silence. What is extraordinary is always silent." -The Power of Silence - Cardinal Sarah. 

           As I sat there I still thought about that last session asking God what to do with it, but as well was noticing nature “unfold” around me. It was very quiet and calm and I didn’t hear much more than just a gentle breeze in the trees and a bird fluttering around every now and then. At one point a little bird landed quite close and checked me out before darting off. A saw a flock of ducks fly up the river  following the curves of the river rather than flying straight and thought that was really neat. I wondered where the alligators were or turtles and figured it was probably a bit cold to see them active. I looked at the trees and the grass and the longer I looked the more detail I was able to see. The longer I looked the more I noticed the different colors and different sizes and shapes of leaves. You may think okay so what's the point. For me I realized God took a lot of care in every small detail that made up this whole beautiful picture. I reflected on how much more I was able to see while being still and silent than I normally do when I’m on a walk or in a hurry to go some place. I tend to miss the little things. This is how it works with God too. When we are still and silent there is so much more we are able to receive from Him, so much more He’s able to get us to see. He is there filling every small detail of our day and so much of the time we hurry on past and do not notice. I was very thankful for this time, it was a huge gift to be able to stop and let God unfold things before me as He had more of my attention in the silence.

           Every so often while I sat on the bank, I would look back up to the hall and check my watch to make sure I would have enough time to cover the distance of the field to make it to lunch at a good time. I wondered if I should continue trying to make the perimeter, but was content staying still where I was enjoying my view. Finally it was about 5 minutes to lunch and I looked up to the hall then looked back to the river one last time. I as well looked a little to my left which I hadn’t done so really the whole time I sat there just looking at the river. Out of the corner of my eye suddenly I saw a furry something do a quick spin around and jump back. It made a low strange growl. In my mind I thought some weird little stray dog or raccoon had found me and was curious. This happened in an instant. When I was turned fully around I found myself staring into the intense wild grey eyes of a very large bobcat! He was entirely beautiful, his fur was perfect and thick and had the prettiest colors and pattern. He had longer fur framed around his face. At the same time, being entirely beautiful, he was as well entirely terrifying. He growled and showed his teeth and stood there, every muscle tensed, powerful, ready to move. We both just stared at each other motionless.

Not my photos obviously! But just wanted to give you an idea of what "beautiful and terrifying" looks like.

           My first thought the second after taking in what I was looking at was that I need help, I need to call my dad. Of course being it was a silent retreat I didn’t have my phone on me and sense came a second later and I thought what could he really do for you Alyson at this point? What could anyone really do for me even if you did have your phone? It occurred to me that this is it, this could be how it ends. God’s beautiful and terrifying creation could go for my neck and then maul my face off and there isn't a whole lot I could do against something like that. People being attacked by a bobcat isn't entirely unheard of. There was a slight sinking in my hope thinking there isn’t any way out, I can’t out run this, climbing the little tree would do no good, and I have nothing to defend myself. These thoughts all ran through my head quite quickly. I remained calm though and strangely was at peace as in not crying or in a terrified panic. Thankfully I haven’t been in too many terrifying situations in the past, but when I have, I cried and/or panicked. Finally I decided I had to try something and couldn’t just sit here vulnerable on the edge of this river bank. So very slowly I stood up keeping my eyes on the cat. I still had this peace and calm about me. He trotted back a little ways keeping his eyes locked on me and growled again. I wondered if possibly he was more scared of me than I was of him so I took a very small step towards the direction of the hall and away from him. He trotted back a little further and stared at me still baring his teeth. I decided I was mostly sure that he was scared of me so took one more, larger step with more confidence, still calm. With this he ran off fast and I lost sight of him behind a brush pile. 

           I immediately walked as fast as I could in the other direction towards the hall. A rush of relief over-came me and I had the biggest grin on my face thinking wow, wow thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus for saving me! I could not believe what just happened. I looked back at the spot where I had been sitting moments ago and where I had first seen the cat. I walked back over to the spot and looked around at where he had to have come from. I realized he was incredible at being stealthy and had sneaked up on me perhaps curious at what this thing was sitting by the river. I just couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard him or anything as he got that close. I walked back quickly to the hall full of adrenaline from that event. I laughed which seems crazy now that I think about it, thinking good gosh I can’t even tell anyone about this now. I took a detour to my room to get rid of my gloves and hat. Since I couldn’t talk about it I decided to write it all down to process what just happened. The rest of the afternoon this experience came up over and over in my head. I wondered what the take away was, if this is what was going to be stuck in my head then hopefully God had something for me to learn.

           When sharing this experience with the rest of the group after silence was lifted on Sunday, Fr. Kirby asked me to go back to when I said that it was beautiful and terrifying at the same time. He asked me to describe why it was that way. So I described the bobcat’s physical beauty, but as well the knowledge of what it could do. He then said I want you to sit with that. Often when we encounter God in our life it can be like that, beautiful and terrifying at the same time.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

           This verse was printed on the front of a little guide we received for the weekend and I think it sums up pretty well what God is having me learn from this experience especially as we approached and celebrated Christ the King on Sunday. 

           I’m still sitting with it. I first think about people God called in the bible. How beautiful it must have been to be called by God and to be in His presence, but at the same time terrifying. In the Old Testament for one example, Moses came upon the burning bush which I imagine would be beautiful and terrifying to see. Add in God speaking to him clearly through the bush and we know by Moses's reaction that was both a beautiful and terrifying experience. In the New Testament there is the Annunciation, Mary encountering the angel Gabriel. Not just what she saw, but the message as well would have been both beautiful and terrifying. Gabriel even had to tell her to not be afraid. In both cases, Moses and Mary where coming from a place of silence and solitude when they encountered God in this way. While Moses is quite relatable in the way he reacted and beyond that, Mary gives us the perfect example of how one responds when God truly is King, Lord of their life. I definitely know this still is the case with people when God calls them to something specific in their life. In vocation stories I've heard for both married friends and friends entering religious life, God called and invited them in silent prayer. Beautiful and terrifying are both words that can fit in their stories, and as well that steady peace and calm that lets them know this is of God. With God as their King, they responded to His call with His grace, peace and courage. It may seem overwhelming, impossible or even uncomfortable, but He is God, He is there, He is present with us in it. The bigger picture beyond our fears and worries with it is beautiful. This is something I need to internalize.

           The more I think about it now over a week after the event, the more I realize just how bad it all could have gone. What if that bobcat had come closer? What if I hadn’t turned to see him and startled him? What if he had decided to attack me in his fear or even anger I was in his territory, rather than take off in the other direction?  In that moment I had no control. There was nothing I could do....on my own. The things that I've given my attention to in life, things I worry too much over especially the unknowns with my future and all didn't matter in that moment. I know that God was with me because I am still here in one piece. I even imagine my guardian angel standing there unseen by me, but perhaps by the big cat. I know God was with me and in control, He kept me calm and at peace and gave me the courage to stand up and step out when there seemed to be no other options. However, I may not have reacted this way had it not been for the time of silence to be still with God. I am so very thankful this all ended the way it did. In reflecting back on this I ultimately hear God telling me, "see I have you, I hold you in the palm of my hand. I protect you, I give you life, I am your Father, I love you with everything, I have plans for you. So why do you fear, why do you worry, why do you doubt and hesitate, why do you live your way over mine?" This puts things in life into perspective. If God is who He says He is (He is) and death is a reality we all face with Heaven or Hell on the other end of it, then that should direct how we live, how time is spent, where we place God. I do think about dying from time to time, in a healthy way considering that it is always before us. I want to be well, healed and whole to enter Heaven at that point. But am I living that way? Is Jesus the King of my life?

"You shall have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:3
       
           This experience was a wake up call to the reality that I struggle with the first commandment and the greatest commandment, and perhaps this is one obstacle keeping me from embracing the life God desires for me with grace and complete trust. I am more Moses than Mary, but even Moses has me topped in his trust in God. I share this because maybe this struggle is more common for us all than we tend to think. It's easy to move past it saying well I don't worship weird pagan statues or do witchcraft or any of that other weird stuff listed in a common examination of conscience under the first commandment, so I'm good. But other things can become false gods, clothes, sports, hobbies, social media, a tv show, money, success, addictions, celebrities, other people we idolize, or even ourselves. Those are only a few examples and some of them are not even bad by themselves, but when we put them before God and give them all our attention and devote more to them than our relationship with God, they become false gods taking up our lives. Throughout the weekend in the silence I actually became aware of the ways in my life though that I essentially say "I'm god and You're not," and then put other things (gods so to speak) before Him. In the silence the closer I was to God the less these things seemed to really matter.
           Just one example I will share with how I struggle with this is when I insist that things go my way and get bothered when His way is not the way I would have done it. Like the plan I had for my own life, according to me this is not how it should look at this point. And I worry over what will happen and even get frustrated that nothing seems to be happening. Or with death, there have been times when I was upset and let down that my prayers were not answered as I would have had them and I lost people I loved. Fr. Kirby reflected well on this in his Christ the King homily on Sunday. Jesus isn't the kind of king we expect. The closer we are to His feet from the foot of the cross, the better we can see it His way. God did heal and save those people I prayed for who passed away, just not in the way I expected. In both those situations my mistake is trying and insisting on my way, on having control rather than trusting it all into the loving and merciful hands of Jesus. With this bobcat I was in a place of no control I had to fully trust in God's real presence with me.
           And as well, this "I'm god and You're not," is essentially what I am saying when I sin.  It is what we're all doing and saying to God when we choose sin. I put me first, above God and His wisdom, love, and plans for me. Like this bobcat, temptations can slip up on me without me even realizing it until it’s right there before me and it would seem I am about to lose. I would lose without God. I sat there and stared at the cat and saw a beauty in it at first even though it was quite dangerous. The temptation to sin can look this way to us too as Satan knows what will trip us up and tricks us. It is is usually easy to be able to see things we know are harmful and sinful that exist in our lives. I think more about the "not evil" things I mentioned above that I use and end up "excusing" myself from deeper prayer. These are ways that subtly creep in and I put these things before God essentially failing with the first commandment and the greatest commandment as I let them rule my life.

           We need silence and solitude to be better aware of these temptations in life and to be able to face them with God's grace. This is one reason a daily silent examination of conscience is so helpful. When we're able to see those areas we struggle most with, it is best to acknowledge it, and what it could lead to, but then don’t even mess with it, and quickly avoid it as God lead me to do with the bobcat. When we invite God into our lives, give Him that space, He works in our hearts to heal and strengthen us. The closer we come to Him in that silence and solitude, the temptation to sin then holds less and less power over us.

"You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." Matthew 22:37
           I don't want to live in a way, looking at my daily life from the perspective of  "okay God here is where I can pencil you in." Rather I want to look at daily life from the perspective of God first and center, now let everything else can fall into place around that. I want to be as close as I can to the feet of Jesus with Mary at the foot of the cross, to trust fully in His plans, even when I don't see the big picture or understand. I want to let God have the control. I know some things are beyond my control, but I have to work positively with generously giving God all what I have. I desire my life to be centered and ordered around my relationship with God. It will mean setting boundaries and sticking to them which will require discipline and even sacrifice. It will mean facing fears that have always followed me. From this brief situation though I experienced in a very real way that God is with me, He's got this and I need not be afraid. As terrifying as it all may seem, just like when I took a very uncertain step with the bobcat, letting go, stepping out into the unknown with God is daunting to me, but I know will be entirely beautiful and worth it.  

            "Silence is the language of heaven and it's already deep inside of us, beckoning us, inviting us to deeper intimacy with everything." - Fr. Ron Rolheiser       

           This terrifying and beautiful event will stick with me and I'll continue sitting with it. I want to encourage anyone who reads this, and made it this far, to try silence and solitude. The Advent season is the perfect time for it. It will be the most challenging as it tends to be the busiest time of year as we approach the holidays, but this is when we need it most. There is always going to be a spirit working against us to pull us away from encountering Christ and perhaps it works extra hard at that around the celebration of Christmas with God engaging with His creation in the most humble and intimate way possible. That spirit against us doesn't want us to know Who God is nor go any deeper than the surface with our relationship with God. You know one negative thought that came to my mind going into this retreat was "it won't be long enough." I'm glad I didn't let it go as far as "it won't be long enough so don't even bother." How many times do we do that when it comes to prayer? God can work with any amount of time, what matters is that we generously give Him as much as we honestly can. I did come away from the retreat saying "it wasn't long enough," but in a positive way thinking I have to have more of this! When I said before that I went away from this retreat feeling "more myself" that was very real and honest. The closer we get to Jesus the more we will be who we were created to be. This experience was so good for me and I desire other people to experience this goodness as well and be able to draw closer to Jesus and become more wholly the person He made them to be.

           So even if you can't cut cold turkey from everything that is pulling at you, get creative and at least try and get away for some silence and solitude this Advent. It likely will require some sacrifice and change from your normal routine. It might require getting up earlier, or maybe you possibly invite your family to try it too even if it's just for a short while. If you can, get away from your house even for a little bit. While out running errands or something go to church, or sit in an adoration chapel as long as you can with Jesus. Carve out some time to take a walk in a quiet park or just walk out in your pasture if you have that (just be more aware of your surroundings than I was). Even if you can't get away, find a way for solitude and silence to exist when you can wherever that may be. Use scripture, a reflection from a devotional, reflect on the Sunday readings in a missalette, or just be still and rest in God's love in silence. In the midst of everything you're carrying or going through, good and bad just simply trust Him and let Him love you. "Be still and know that He is God."

Spirit Lead Me

         

         Recently I spent a week in Colorado staffing the Rocky Mountain High retreat our diocese puts on each summer. It is always such a unique experience. I had staffed in the past, in 2014 and 2015 but had missed out a few years since it tended to fall on my family vacation in Rockport. I was glad to be a apart of it again this year especially since Bishop Brendan Cahill attended it with us. At the end of the week the Bishop asked each of us adults to share a grace we received and so I wanted to share that here too. There is a lot to unpack with it.

           Saturday, July 13, we loaded up for a 24 hour bus trip to Pagossa Springs, CO. It was hard to go that day, I was leaving the end of family vacation to do so and I admit in that time on the bus I wondered if I had made the right decision, and questioned if I was even meant to be there especially since I didn’t agree to join the staff until later….a bus ride that long will do that to you. God did have a purpose for me though. 

           The lesson began weeks before the retreat when preparing for Solidarity with Bobby. Bobby and I are opposites when it comes to our approach for preparing a session. I wanted to have things neat and organized out, have a powerpoint, have it planned who would say what and when. Bobby on the other hand didn’t need that, he can work off the cuff, had great ideas and was just going to go with it. So while this gave me some anxiety, we came together, I planned as much as I could and he was very much lead by the Holy Spirit and it all worked out for a great session. Yes there is a great lesson to be learned in that, how it all worked out even when it wasn't "perfectly drawn out in my mind." Aaron had talked with me about that later that morning. We talked about that unknown. He shared with me things he had been learning about himself and about trusting God in his experience discerning and following God in his vocation as a seminarian. I could relate. He as well affirmed a lot of good things I had going for me that he saw. I had a hard time seeing that and receiving what he was saying at the time. Alyson continued on in the week trying to take care of things “her way,” trying to be enough for everyone and everything on her own merit....

     

           Tuesday night came and it was time for the Reconciliation service which would be combined with Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. Leading up to this there seemed to be several ways this could go and not all were in agreement or on the same page with a plan of how it should go. The weather threatened to mess up the out door plans too. Then there was the music. I've for a long time been a "adoration should just be silent" kind of person. I've had not so good experiences at different retreats & conferences in the past where musicians, whether intentional or not, took over, became distracting, had unfitting song choices etc. So I had my Gregorian chant and instrumental Catholic hymns playlist ready if we needed some gentle background sound, but was told Logan was prepared to play guitar. I remember saying, "okay that can be fine maybe if there are no words or he doesn’t play the whole time." I didn’t know Logan and didn’t know what to expect. So all of this was going on leading up to this service. I had to step away being overwhelmed by it all needing something concrete and unchanging, and admittedly something in my control. Finally I went ahead and began it as I originally had planned. And then nothing really went as planned.... There ended up not being a procession as the campers took off across the meadow. I forgot to explain the reverence due in Adoration as I was upset we missed the procession part. Confessions begin and so did the weather. It started to rain and Aaron came to rescue Jesus as a camper jumped and exclaimed it was raining. So back inside the Cathedral we all went to try this again. At this point even though nothing was really in my control except for how I was feeling....I was feeling pretty guilty/not happy, even the weather. I thought if only I had planned it all better.... Everyone else though took it in stride and rolled with it and I'm grateful to everyone for that and It's something I know I need to be better about in the future. To my surprise I enjoyed the music, it was not as I would have planned myself, but he did everything exactly right with simple reverent songs and plenty of spaces of silence. We had to end before everyone had a chance to go. I went to tell Fr. Philip we were wrapping it up and that Aaron was getting the coals ready. When I walked in the Hilton though without thinking too much I knew I needed to go to confession now. Fr. Philip at some point asked, “Alyson has anything good ever happened to you by surprise? Something you did not plan out?” I answered yes, like this confession is one example. Also thinking over the rest of the service and how it went, not according to my plan, but it was still good. He said good, remember that, it’s okay to just let go and go with it.   

           The week went on. Thursday came which was “Messy Games” day. I was helping take pictures so had immunity from the mess. Which I was grateful especially in the case of all the slime and yuck. But when it came time to slip and slide and the shaving cream war I admit I’m kind of sorry I didn’t put down the camera and dive in for a bit. But I was focused on capturing the moment for these kids. I thought this was the best way I could serve them. At the end of the week, with Angela’s pictures, we would have a great slide show and it would all be worth it. Thursday night adoration came and I was ready for some quality Jesus time. Adoration ended up being perfectly beautiful that evening after we had mass and the sun set. All was quiet and peaceful. Then Logan began with a song “Spirit Lead Me.” I know everyone at some point hears a song that hits them right in their heart and soul because it is the exact message God needs you to hear. This was one of those songs for me in that moment. I wasn’t paying that much attention to the lyrics at first until he sang the first refrain…

If You say "it's wrong", then I'll say "no"

If You say "release", I'm letting go

If You're in it with me, I'll begin

And when You say to jump, I'm diving in

If You say "be still", then I will wait

If You say to trust, I will obey

I don't wanna follow my own ways

I'm done chasing feelings

Spirit lead me

           This song first of all was very calming and reassuring to listen too. I soon became very aware of the truth in this song. How many times have I done what God has already told me is not right? How much do I cling to that He has invited me to detach from? How many times has He assured me He is with me, but I stay here on the fence? I cling to the edge maybe stick my feet in but never dive in. Having trouble with patience in waiting currently. Trust, this whole week was a lesson in that. I am someone who is following her own ways rather than God's and how much peace would surely be  found in life if I just lived with God as the refrain described. Currently in life I'm not at peace, and it's God's peace that I desire most. I want to let go, I’m done “fighting”  and trying to make my own way happen. I want to be more this kind of person in the song and fully trust God and His plan. I am glad this was the refrain because these are things I need to be reminded of over and over. I listened very carefully to every word sung after that. This next verse I know would be true if I would just do as the refrain says, and as hard as it is, this is what I desire, to be taken further, to be as close to Jesus as possible in this life and be where He desires me to be. 

It felt like a burden

But once I could grasp it

You took me further

Further than I was asking

And simply to see You

It's worth it all

My life is an altar

Let Your fire fall. 

           Again Logan gave God great glory with music for Adoration. Sarah gave us a very good reflection throughout the service with long periods of silence in between and I enjoyed that too and the truth in the words she shared. They had a good rhythm going. Together they facilitated taking us all deeper into adoration of our Lord, not once did they draw any attention away from Jesus. As I said, it really was perfectly beautiful.

           And then came Friday, when the grace was fully realized. Earlier in the day I gave the session on Care of God's creation. There were a lot of unknowns leading into that as I had never been to the location, but it was beautiful. I did get nervous and worried about things not in my control, but it all worked out just fine. So now I was ready to focus on the slide show. All was well it seemed. The hours went by and I was making good progress weeding out pictures from the files. Then I went to load them on the video software and the issues arose. There were still too many files. Then my laptop slowed down. It took forever to add or delete anything. I started to realize this may not get done, but I stayed with it knowing so many were relying on and expecting this. It came down to an hour left and my computer got hung up and froze. So I had to restart it. The presentation was saved, but still not near done and restarting wasted a lot of time. I kept working, I missed discussing the last session with my group, missed the St. Benedict medal blessing, missed the staff thank yous. The time came and it was far from being complete. I felt that I had failed major. I tried to find a DVD to save it on to watch later on the bus, but no luck. So finally the group was headed out to pray the rosary and I gave up on the slide show knowing that was more important and I needed the prayer. Before going out there I mentioned to Shannon and Wendy something St. Francis de Sales said in a book they gave be about having a docile heart and what that meant. I said I didn't like it because "I think" I have a docile heart and it doesn't mean what he said... (Really who was I to question the wisdom of a great saint.) Shannon stopped me and said something along the lines of, Alyson maybe it struck you wrong because you are struggling with the truth in it and not accepting it though you know what he is saying is true. I just smiled saying oh maybe so and walked out, she was most likely right but I wasn't willing to face it. Well while praying the rosary, I was fine at first, still only kind of upset that I had been so last minute and failed to finish the slide show, but honestly if that had been it, the rest of the rosary praying would have been fine with no worries. It was an opener though... other thoughts and disappointments hurried in with that door being left open and the following went through my mind as we were praying.

                                                        “You are 30 now and no longer have a job, have you really given enough time to finding one? What are you doing when you go back home? You are single, what is going to happen there? Are you missing out on something by staying in Hallettsville? Again you didn’t finish the slideshow, you should have worked on it more during the week. By the way Alyson being so task oriented this week did you really spend enough time getting to know the retreaters? Did you fully engage with your small group kids? You missed that last discussion. Did you get to know your prayer partner? Did you get to know all the staff especially the ones you just met? Back with school, you didn’t give each of your 5 classes the attention and work they deserved, they could have been better, you could have done more. Reconciliation the other night could have been better had you made a solid plan, what are you doing Alyson? Where are you God, do you see me, is this it? Is there nothing else you have for me? What if I died, have I lived enough, have I been present?” 

I was feeling pretty hopeless.

When all hope is gone

And Your word is all I've got

I have to believe

You still bring water from the rock

To satisfy my thirst

To love me at my worst

And even when I don't remember

You remind me of my word.

            I fought back tears as long as I could until I had to walk away back up to the cabins. Again I would miss the kids sharing graces, but didn’t want to be a distraction. I saw Wendy coming out and thought I could step back and let her pass without seeing me, but God didn’t allow that, He had something to tell me through her. She gave me a hug, let me cry and express all of these things. She talked and tried to console me. The last things she said were the most important. She said “you are enough,” you have to see it that way. Maybe this is all God wants of you right now and that is okay. You may never know for sure what the reasons and purposes are for things that happen or things you have done or experienced. You have to accept that it is all God wanted and not get caught up thinking it has to be more. I thought about it knowing she was very much right, but it was hard to accept. I do want to do more and do good for others and most importantly for God. I’m not happy, but maybe it’s because I have not stopped to appreciate what I have and where I’m at. So at first honestly I had a hard time chewing on and swallowing what Wendy said. My heart was not docile. 

           So we walked back over to the fire and I had missed it all. The rest of the staff had genuine concern for me and what I was dealing with and I definitely appreciated their love and care. Angela had told me about another Allison(sp?) going on a mission and about finding yourself when giving of yourself to others. I had heard a similar message before and something I will need to spend more time on because fear keeps be from doing that sort of thing. While my worries were not resolved, what they each said helped me to feel more at peace and let go of the pressure I was feeling. Then there were plenty of jokes following that to lighten the mood.

           After things had all settled down I decided I would take my things and go shower in the Hilton, the nice shower, where I’d let myself relax and enjoy it. On the way I passed Aaron in the Cathedral who said he was praying for me and I appreciated hearing that. Then I passed Logan on the steps and turned back to tell him he did a great job with music that week. I told him about my prior deep held conviction and all for how it should be done especially during adoration, and that he had honestly "converted me." He did it exactly right, he was simple and humble and drew us all deeper into adoration rather than being distracting or overpowering. He was thankful and as well explained how he felt about how adoration should be and how he approaches it with music. I was even more impressed, everything he expressed I agreed with, from not liking to play songs that get too loud, to wanting silence for others and because he would like some for himself too. I appreciated he had that Christ-centered mindset. As he spoke I felt humbled thinking see Alyson "your way" is not the only way, you have to let go and trust. Then I asked him about the song he had played that caught my attention and how it was exactly what I needed to hear. He was glad it helped and said Wendy asked him to play it. He understood that fear of the unknown and started talking about how if you are focused on doing what God wants you to do then you are doing enough and while it’s good to want to do more for people and for God, you have to realize if you’re doing what God wants then that is enough. I’m paraphrasing, but as I listened to him I realized wait this is exactly what Wendy was telling me that I was having a hard time accepting. Thinking back over the whole week I realize pretty much everyone on staff, through their genuine Christ-like care, had said something similar to this theme to me at one point or another in their own way. When several entirely different people tell you the same thing, you can bet it’s likely what God inspired in them and what He wants you to know! I as well recalled what I had told the girls during our talk Monday night. While only Our Blessed Mother is created perfect, we're all enough if we are who God created us to be because He makes us enough. I needed that message for myself. This was the grace God had for me that I have been so unwilling and awkward with receiving.  

           I have to admit the next morning I was still tempted to finish the slideshow. I thought I could do it on the bus and burn it to a DVD that I would maybe be able to buy at our Abertsons stop. However my power cord mysteriously went missing and got packed up with other staff things so I couldn’t get to it. I realized okay God is clearly saying just let it go for now Alyson! You have done enough and I am happy with you, with what you have done, but more importantly with who you are, just being you! I'm glad it happened that way, there were more good conversations to be had on the bus ride home that I would have missed had I been so caught up on that slide show. 

           

           I thank God for patiently and persistently pursuing me in giving me this grace and for those who cooperated with His grace, fellow staff and retreaters, who helped me to receive it. So I have been hearing this song on repeat in my head since then. This is the grace God desired to give that I finally received. I learned I need to let go and have joy in just simply being who God made me to be. I’m not perfect and I cannot do this on my own. No matter how hard I try, on my own I am never going to be enough. I have made my mistakes, and have dropped the ball so to speak, but God still loves and delights in me. I need to trust in Him and in the good people He has placed in my life. I need to surrender to His will for myself and for others. I need to believe He has a plan and purpose only for my good. I need to allow myself to be open to receiving all He desires for me. I need to stop trying to lead the dance, and allow God to lead me. He makes me enough.

I don't trust my ways

I'm trading in my faults

I lay down everything

'Cause You're all that I want

I've landed on my knees

This is the cup You have for me

And even when it don't make sense

I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead.

Give Me Free Hands

This has been hanging out on my laptop as I forgot to finish and post it weeks ago....

         
           In Port Aransas my family went to the beach one evening and after taking a bunch of pictures with Aubrey, I took a quick walk. I have a tendency to pick up anything interesting I find when walking on the beach. I would see a pretty shell here and there and pick it up and before I knew it I ended up with two handfuls of seashells, driftwood, sea beans and a piece of pumice. So at this point I was far from where my family had set up, my hands were full, I could not pick up any more, and I was no longer free to enjoy my walk as I was too occupied with managing in my hands what I had collected. I wanted to keep going, but turned back to see my family packing everything up. While I love a good walk on the beach, I realized I missed out on some hang out time with them.

           The last morning we were in Port Aransas my mom got me up to go see the sun rise over the water. Thankfully there were a lot of clouds on the horizon otherwise I would have made us late. I took pictures and started walking a bit looking around for anything interesting as usual. I stopped for a moment and looked at the waves coming in with the low rising sun shining over them. It was soothing, peaceful and beautiful and I realized I wasn’t appreciating it all as fully as I ought. Sure I got some great shots with my phone, but did I really stop and just enjoy the beauty God was painting before me? I did find another sea bean but at what cost? I missed watching the rest of the sun rise. As I walked back I saw a pretty grey clam shell, looked at it, appreciated it, and let it go.

           I have been reflecting on this a bit learning a lesson God has had to repeat for me in my life over and over. When our hands are full we cannot be free receive all that God wants us to have. We are not free to receive His joy and peace. We are not free to go as far as He desires to take us. We are not free to be present to those He has placed in our lives. We’re not free to receive the love He desires to give us both directly and through those closest to us. I don’t want to live in a way where I’m not free to appreciate all God has blessed me with.

           What are our hands full of? This is different for everyone. For some it may very well be possessions. Having many means a lot of time goes to organizing and maintaining them.  For many of us it could even be activities and work. Both are good and even holy things, but here is where quality matters and not quantity. We’re supposed to be human beings, not just “human doings.” If one has so much on their plate that they are not able to be present in their work or activities then it does no good for anyone. One thing I’ve noticed lately is how much my phone literally ties my hands up whether I am at home or out somewhere. It can become a big time waster. When it comes to time, how is yours being spent? Are any of these things draining an inordinate amount of you time? Do you still have time left for what is important, your spiritual life, and your family?

           I want to share my 4^th of July. It was the most fun I’ve had on the 4^th in a long time. I went to mass in the morning at St. John’s with my mom and left my phone in the car. Afterwards I went to the veteran’s ceremony and there was plenty one would want to take pictures of or record, but I didn’t have my phone and that was okay. I got to eat lunch with some friends, Ms. Wendy and some of our seminarians and we even danced.  I left for a bit to go home and change out of church clothes and put on a pair of shorts I had been looking forward to wearing for the 4^th, they were patriotic colored, but they had no pockets. I could either change the shorts or carry my purse. I stuck with my red white and blue shorts and when I arrived at the picnic I did not want to carry my purse. So I stuck my money in my shoe and left my phone in the car. It was again freeing, I had no idea of the time passing, I played some bingo, and enjoyed seeing people I hadn’t in a while. I had some really good conversations and even spent some time in silence inside the church. I went home again and came back and it was no question I left my phone in the car again. Again I enjoyed just getting to visit with people, was able to dance some more and when the fire work show came I just enjoyed it in the company of a good friend. I felt like it was the best fireworks experience I ever had. The company was good and also I did not have my phone, I was not trying to capture the perfect shot of the explosions. I just appreciated it all for what it was, felt the surprise and excitement with each one as they fired off wondering what it would look like. I am left with a really great memory of that day and night even though there are no pictures to show for it.

           I invite anyone who might read this to reflect and pray and ask God to show you what has your hands tied. See what He may be asking you to let go of and then do it. When you see a sun rise or sun set be sure to take time to soak it all in, you don't have to have the perfect shot of it. You don’t have to pick up every shell on the shore. Be attentive to what God is telling you to just see and appreciate, and what to hold on to, and what to let go of. It is not worth it to hold on so much to anything that keeps you from really being free to be present with and enjoy the beauty God has surrounded you with both in nature and in the good people He places in your company. What or who do you value most? Just let go and be present there. 

Reflecting on the Death of My Uncle, Frankie Louis Klimitchek

Frankie Louis Klimitchek
August 23, 1965 - March 16, 2019

       
"Be Ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour." Mattthew 24:44
         
          We're all going to die. Going to, death is thought of in the future. We know it can be any moment, for us or for anyone. It's more often than not, not an immediate worry, unless someone is ill or in a critical condition. Death is one day in the future, always in the future, "far off somewhere."

           As a kid I never really thought about death for myself or anyone except for a couple instances. I remember seeing it in movies, like the original Land Before Time. I kept thinking Little Foot was going to find his mom again when he got to the Great Valley, but Little Foot's mom was gone. There was once my mom caught me sitting on the window sill of the 2nd story window that overlooked the driveway of our old house in Rockport. I was about 4 or 5. I had the window open and all that was between me and the concrete was the window screen and certainly my guardian angel. My mom held me tight, knocked the screen out then let whatever toys I had near by fall through the window. I can still see them hitting the concrete. She said "that could have been you." I know I scared her and it scared me too realizing I could have been broken(as a toy was). With that, I think I was more concerned with the pain that would come from falling that far, not the reality of certain death.

           I remember going to funerals and my parents teaching me to pray for the person, but I didn't comprehend fully that these people were gone. As a kid, everyone we know is here for now and we have no thoughts about that ever changing. We have our past fun memories, we live in the present and the future is a fun time of possibilities we don't think too seriously about. So when death comes for a favorite pet or beloved grandparent, it hits pretty hard realizing we can no longer enjoy them as we always had. We aren't prepared for it, never see it coming.

            I'm 29 no longer a kid, and though I have an understanding of death now, I realize I'm not prepared. On Saturday March 16, 2019 this reality caught me off guard when my dad told me the awful news.
"What are you doing?" 
"Fixing to make a broccoli salad for tomorrow." 
"Uncle Frankie was found dead in his apartment today."

           I turned off the TV show I was watching and was in complete disbelief, we talked about it a little, but so much was unknown. I got up and went to make my salad. It was good to have something to do, but honestly I was having some extreme thoughts.... we never know, so why am I wasting time with TV, I should take care of this salad. That night I began digging in our photo boxes searching for him. I cried realizing he is really no longer here.

           What initially bothered me with his death the most was knowing that we just don't know exactly when or how he died. I thought back on that week prior. Monday we'd been to Granny's, Tuesday Adam and I took a day trip to San Antonio, Wednesday the youth group built a ramp and I made a cream cheese roll for Dr. Renger, Thursday and Friday I cleaned out our upstairs bathroom, Friday evening my mom and I went to stations, and we had Fr. Max over for supper. Uncle Frankie even came up in the conversation trying to compare ages of some people, I remember explaining to Fr. Max that my parents were talking about my uncle. Saturday I spent the day with my beautiful niece. It was a wonderful week, but it bothered me, all this time who knows when or how long exactly, Uncle Frankie had already left us.

           The second thing that bothered me was thinking back on the most recent times he had been around. I have never doubted he cared about me, but did he know I cared about him? Did we always show him Christ's love and did he know how much we all loved him? That's something I wonder about anytime someone has died. I shared this with Fr. Max among other things I was worrying about regarding the unknowns surrounding his death. I can't remember what he said word for word, but what helped me is that he said something to the effect that we don't always know ....and that we have to trust these things into the loving and merciful hands of God. Hearing that honestly eased my worrying almost immediately. Sometimes we need people to tell us, to remind us, of those simple basic truths especially when we turn in on ourselves in our worry and sorrow. In that moment I had a quick image come to my mind of placing these worries along with Uncle Frankie in God's hands (that I pictured cupped together in a bowl shape ready to hold all my stuff.) God's hands are a safe and secure place for Uncle Frankie. I'm not worried, he knows he is loved by God, and I will of course continue to pray for his soul. I'm at peace trusting him to God's hands.

           Over this short time I have been thinking back on every memory I have of him. A few memories that stood out for me, were times he was really happy.When he was happy and excited about something or laughing, he didn't hold back. His smile went from ear to ear, his face would be lit up with joy. Like the time he got a new bright blue camera for Christmas and he was so excited about it. I had just gotten a new camera too and we were having fun with a few of my other cousins taking pictures of odd random things in the living room of Granny's house testing them out and trying all the settings. I wish we had actually taken pictures of people! A second time was when he brought his friend Roseann to Christmas, I don't know who was more thrilled about it, him or all the rest of us seeing him bring a friend to Christmas, dressed up real nice in good jeans, a button down shirt, with boots on and all. When he was excited about something it was catching and you couldn't help but feel some excitement or joy about whatever sparked that joy in him as well. Not everyone can do that, it takes a real genuine and special person to be able to be joyful in a way that others around them can't help but smile as well. Uncle Frankie was genuine.

          I also remember a time seeing him very frustrated that I wont forget either. Someone (not Uncle Frankie) had literally parked me in with a lawn mower at Granny's house. I needed to get on the road to meet someone and could not for anything figure out how to make the mower go in reverse. I went in to tell people I needed help and felt pretty dumb I couldn't back up a lawn mower and half expected someone to make a joke about my education or something. Uncle Frankie was the first to jump up saying he'd come help me not giving me a hard time about it at all. He though as well tried unsuccessfully and got pretty upset with it. Uncle Louis came out and very calmly showed us exactly what to do (which seemed to us to be some cryptic combination of levers and foot pedals) and backed it up. Uncle Frankie said it was a "piece of junk stupid design" and I agreed with him. I held back a smile though seeing his frustration. I remember thinking this way in that moment. He really wanted to help me and was probably some what frustrated he couldn't do that. He hadn't given me a hard time about it, then he tried his best to help. I just felt very cared for by my uncle in that moment.

           When you think about what people will remember about you, you hope they would remember the good because all of us are created good, and none of us are perfect. Uncle Frankie was very good, but not perfect just like the rest of us. These things though, are what I am going to hang on to about Uncle Frankie when I think back on him, the genuine way he expressed joy, and that he loved us all so very much.
         
          We're all going to miss him a lot. None of us could have been prepared for his sudden departure. I know I will think about him at all the future family gatherings as I do my Papa. I think Fr. Dominic said it well in his homily when he described death as a person leaving on a ship across the ocean. The people in the port of departure are sad and waving good bye, crying, and missing the ship as it disappears over the horizon. On the other side though at the port where the ship comes in, we hope, is a completely opposite scene. There everyone is excited and shouting to welcome the ship into port. I pray, trusting in God's love and mercy, for the final destination of Uncle Frankie's ship.

           Some final thoughts I had: 

"The dust returns to the earth as it was, and the breath returns to God who gave it." Ecclesiastes 12:7
             Seeing the box reminded me of the words we had just heard not long ago on Ash Wednesday, "Remember you are dust and unto dust you shall return."  It makes you realize how the Earthly things we cling to in life really do not matter. It's not worth it to hold on to sin or past grievances with others. It makes you realize what is important, God and family. One beautiful thing is that there gathered around Uncle Frankie's ashes, we were together as a family in God's house. His death brought us all together in a good place, surrounded by what matters in life most.

"In whatever you do, remember your last days, and you will never sin." Sirach 7:36
           We do not have to be totally unprepared for our inevitable last days we can prepare even if it doesn't seem to be immediate for us. Thinking about our last days, reminds us that our life here on Earth is finite. Our amount of time is uncertain. Thinking about our last days gives us a clear vision of our ultimate destination. We want to arrive at death and be able to know, "I have lived as God desired me to live, and I have spent my time well." Keeping that vision in mind helps us to be able to clearly make good decisions that get us closer to it and closer to our desired eternal life with God.

           The box was that contained Uncle Frankie's cremated body was very small which really put things into perspective. To think that as insignificant as we may seem, God infinitely loves each of us with a love that took Him to the ultimate suffering and death on the cross. He did this because God desires us to have His life of grace so that we can be with Him for eternity in Heaven. Is that our ultimate vision, hope and desire now and when our last days come? Do we want to be with Him for eternity? Do we live that way?

"For I am already being poured out like a libation, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have competed well; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith. From now on the crown of righteousness awaits me, which the Lord, the just judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me, but to all who have longed for His appearance. " 2 Timothy 4:6-8 (2nd reading from his Memorial Mass)

             May we all continue to live lives striving for holiness so that when our ship reaches the other port we are greeted by none other than God, surrounded by all His Saints and Angels. May we continue to pray for our departed loved ones souls that we may see them all there too, that they are the ones on the dock shouting and smiling as we come in.

          Eternal rest grant unto Frankie, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him.
                                                                                                      May he rest in peace. Amen

https://www.kubenafuneralhome.com/obituary/frankie-louis-klimitchek

 

Dancing with Adrienne

March for Life 2019: Unique Since Day One

         This year I for the first time I lead a group of 10 teens and 3 other adults on a trip with our diocese to the National March for Life in Washington DC. It was definitely a pilgrimage and not vacation. It was cold, there was a ton of walking up and down hills, lots of waiting, lots of crowds and more. As the days have gone by since the trip there has been a lot to reflect on. This is a long post and I understand if you only scroll through to see the pictures. :)

Wednesday: Mr. Smolik and I drove in early to Hobby and the kids showed up promptly, even earlier than they needed to be. Thank you moms for making the trip and getting them all their safely! I was impressed that they all packed lightly as well. With trying to keep track of everything I ended up having to go through security twice having forgotten to empty my water bottle. We made it to DC without a hitch and even riding the metro was a breeze though it was the first time for many of them. We did a lot of walking, it was a good quarter of a mile between our terminal and the metro, then another half a mile walk to our hotel at night in the sludgy snow with all our luggage. So we all got a taste of what we were in for with the rest of our stay. We unloaded then went out for dinner. I wanted us all to sit down and get to visit so took us into a nearby restaurant without looking at the menu...big mistake on my part. They sat us down after not being sure they could fit us in and I was embarrassed to have to tell the waiter I'm sorry our group cannot afford this upon looking at the menu. Prices were $15+ So we went and got burgers and Chinese take-out. I appreciate my group being patient and forgiving of that incident. Making mistakes like that are bound to happen and it is what keeps us humble in life. It's good not to dwell on or sweat over those things and mar all the good in the rest of the experience. I am very grateful for the days that followed. So anyways, later that evening we went to mass in the hotel dining room with our diocese, Fr. Jasper, Deacon Leo and Bishop Cahill. It was definitely interesting sitting around tables for mass. This was the perfect way to end our day though and bring us all together as a diocese in prayer. Receiving Jesus and getting to bed early set us up well for the next day. 

Ready to Fly!

Our first metro ride! Where are the other adults? They caught the next car :)

Super long metro escalator

Thursday: My day began quite early with a solo walk to the metro station to load up everyone's cards with the fares for the day. It was very cold and still dark, but nice and quiet. Silence is my "morning coffee" and so it was good I had this walk each day to myself. I had some issues with getting fares for 14 cards, but the metro workers were so gracious in helping me out. Made it back to the hotel just in time to grab my bag and hit the road with the group to go to Arlington Cemetery. We took our half mile trek to the metro and road the whole way. Metros are so convenient! Arlington was snow covered and absolutely beautiful! What made it even more beautiful was the distinct reverent silence heard there as opposed to the sounds of the surrounding city. We made a mile walk up to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier to witness the changing of the guard and wreath laying ceremonies. I am glad this is part of our trip. We reverence that tomb of the unknown soldier showing his life had meaning and value as did every other soldier whose body was never found or identified in every battle fought for our freedom. Inscribed on the tomb are the words, "Here rests in honored glory an American soldier known but to God." Seeing the tomb with a person whose remains are unknown calls to mind the reason we were there, all of the unknown babies who were aborted and those who will be aborted. They are all known but to God. God loves each of their souls. One speaker commented at the march that our presence shows the over 60 million unborn babies that have been killed in our country that they are not forgotten and their life had value and meaning. Not to mention the over a billion people that have been aborted world-wide that our world will never know. We want the reason for the March for Life to come to an end, we desperately need a conversion of this culture of death, to bring it to life. When it does come to an end we can never cease to forgot what has already been done and the billions of lives already lost that we will never know.
         After the ceremony we made another half mile walk to President John F. Kennedy's grave-site with it's eternal flame before making our way back to the visitor center for a brief rest.

Changing of the Guards

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

John F. Kennedy's grave

Our next metro excursion took us to the National Basilica Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. It was another half a mile walk to the Shrine from the metro. We arrived around 11:30am. The students went off to eat lunch with Mr. Smolik and Mrs. Burroughs and Mrs. Sykora and I found some pews to sit in for mass. Mass was at 5:30 that evening, and people were already saving seats for their groups. Technically no one should be saving seats, but so many come in for this mass it is almost unavoidable. The students then went to the Franciscan Monastery of the Holy Land and I wish I could tell you more about that, but I was saving seats. But it was another mile walk one way for them up hill in the snow to make it to their tour. Sitting in the Basilica for hours was not bad at all I hardly noticed the hours go by. The church is entirely gorgeous and there is so much to look at and reflect on in there from where we sat. My favorite being enormous mosaic of Christ in Majesty. Fr. Tommy once told me he called it "ticked off Jesus." He does look really stern upon first glance. And with what goes on in DC and our country at present, He is justly so. My thoughts were that He has a look of firm intense power to put fear into Satan and all evil. As I gazed into His eyes longer though the "ticked off," stern, fear invoking look melted away. What I was left with is this intense gaze of complete and total perfect immense love. Love I can receive from no one else.

Shrine of the Immaculate Conception

 

Mosaic of Christ in Majesty 

 

Here is the page I reflected on a bit in the pew. It comes from "He Speaks to You," a women's daily devotional by Sr. Helena Burns FSP. The image of a river I got came from overhearing a woman in the Basilica saying that we will be in a river of people tomorrow. It struck me to hear that. The March for Life with it's hundreds of thousands of people flowing up the street to the capitol is kind of like a river of God's grace and mercy working through everyone as we march and pray and remember all the lives affected by abortion. 

A few hours went by and our students came back just as the staff was getting ready to ask us to give our seats away to others who were looking. We still had another few hours before mass and it was spent taking turns to explore, visit the gift shop, and make it to the bathroom before we needed to remain in our seats. As I was watching all the people filling in, up the aisle I was delighted to find my friend Deacon Henry Finch walking and looking around as if he was searching for someone he knew. So I caught up to him and we had a great little reunion. I was happy to introduce him to my group. He will be ordained a priest on June 8th for the Diocese of Austin, please keep him in your prayers! 

A glimpse of all the people getting seated and ready for mass....this is only in the main church, each side chapel was full, the crypt church was full, and all the chapels below the main level were full. Those who came later found standing room only. 

A view from our great seats! Sitting there all day was worth it. 

Just before mass we prayed the chaplet of Divine Mercy lead by a few nuns. Oh that is something I forgot to mention. You would not believe how many different religious orders sisters, postulants, brothers, priests and seminarians we got to see at the Shrine for mass. There were so many and a good number of them were young! That made me so happy to see and I was happy our students got to see this as well. It is inspiring and a very beautiful aspect of our Catholic family. The mass began, the procession itself had to be 15 minutes long or more with all of the priests and bishops that were there in attendance. Bishop Cahill thinks there were at least 400 just up on the altar! The entire mass was very grand and beautiful and entirely reverent throughout. Archbishop Joseph F. Naumann gave a very informative and moving homily on the reason we were there reminding us of the grave importance of our prayers and witness .We learned later that you could get a glimpse of all of us on EWTN's live coverage. One thing that amazed the students and even myself is that everyone was able to receive Holy Communion if they were prepared to. I contacted the Basilica and they said it's hard to say exactly, but they know there were somewhere between 9,000 and 10,000 people in attendance! It definitely makes real the multiplication of the loaves and gives a glimpse of the enormity of Christ's mystical body, the church. Christ gives of Himself abundantly!

We're on TV!

Leaving mass we had fun with a little snowfall on our way to the metro. The evening ended with our mile trek back to the hotel and a delicious supper of pizza. That night I stayed up till at least midnight with several of the students so that they could get a dual credit assignment turned in.

Friday: The day of the march. We had a bit of a later start so waking up to go to the metro was not so bad. Once everyone was packed and ready we headed out to the National Mall to go to the rally for the March for life. It was cold and there was snow on the ground that soon turned into a pretty gross muddy slush as the crowds filled in. Shout out to the Knights of Columbus for passing out free beanies! On the way we got pro-life signs of all sorts that were being passed out. First we heard from Ben Shapiro, a speaker who is very blunt and honest on the issues surrounding our society today in particular with the issues surrounding the right to life. Following that the March for Life director Jeanie Mancini addressed us and called up Archbishop Naumann to lead us in an opening prayer. Following that we had a surprise visit from Vice President Mike Pence and his wife! Before the rest of the speakers came on, our group made our way over to the line up in the streets to ensure a good position. At this point we were all pretty cold and some kids' shoes were soaked through. I didn't hear any complaints though and wet shoes were an easy fix with hand warmers.

Chatting with Bishop Cahill

Group Picture with Bishop Cahill

Huddle for warmth!

Big thank you to Wendy and Shannon for their countless hours organizing this for the diocese!

We are the pro-life generation! 

VP Mike Pence

Diocese of Victoria!

Sacred Heart! 

The March for Life finally began with loud cheers from all. The crowd of over 300,000 slowly began making it's way up Constitution Ave. towards the Capitol.  300,000! They had only prepared for 100,000 but many more came! Our diocese had a long sign which helped us to stay together. Our parameters were, stay behind the sign and don't stray out from the edges. This way we lost no one. It was hard to walk in the crowd, but it was an amazing experience. There were all kinds of people of all different backgrounds, ages, faiths etc. There were families, school groups, colleges, and religious communities and more. Abortion is a universal issue. Worldwide over 1.7billion abortions have occurred with over 60 million of those happening in the United States alone. I was glad our parish had a group representing us this year. Through this experience we were able to actually live out our Catholic values. We were not there for ourselves, but there for all those lost to abortion and all the men and women affected by it. The march itself did not go without it's opposition of course, much of which was specifically anti-Catholic. It was good for our students to see that outside of our beautiful rural diocese there are many in opposition to what we are all about. It made it all more real the importance of remaining strong in our faith and our prayers.

The opposition.... Pray for them! 

We stepped out the march just a bit early when we got near the end. Our diocese had a chapel reserved in the shrine of St. John Paul II to offer mass for an end to abortion and the March for Life movement. We walked to Union Station and boarded a metro back to the National Basilica area to make it to mass.

Diocese of Victoria after the March

Our Diocese of Victoria T-shirt. You have to read it to the tune of "Deep in the Heart of Texas."

Some deer I saw on our walk to the Shrine of St. John Paul II.

It was a long nearly a mile hike up to the shrine from the metro station. After standing and walking so long at the march this was not the easiest trek and our group got pretty spread out making our way up the hill. This was meant with some complaints and I unfortunately was among them...."we're so tired, our feet will fall off, so hungry, is there not a shorter way etc." I was mostly wondering if there was a shorter way. Looking back I am sorry that I complained and did not see the opportunity to unite this small suffering with Christ and "offer it up" for the greater suffering of the tragedy of the souls lost to abortion. Looking back now I see that hike up the hill as a reminder of the suffering Christ endured for all of our sins on His road carrying the cross to Calvary. All this suffering He did without complaint for all sins, past, present, and future. How much suffering our present sins of abortion must cause Him and must have caused Him at Calvary! There was not a short cut or easier way to the shrine as there was not a short cut for Jesus to Calvary nor an easier way for Him to pay the debt for our sins. Our "calvary" trek ended with the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross in our celebration of His sacrifice in the Holy Eucharist at Mass. There at the end of our hike Jesus received us and poured out Himself to us in the Eucharist. Mass was a beautiful and peaceful end to the march for us. It was nice to be in the silence and to offer this great prayer for the day and it's events and the issue of abortion.

After mass we were able to explore the shrine for a bit. I'm sorry there are no pictures, they were not allowed in the exhibits. To my surprise we had the opportunity to venerate the relics of Sts. John Vianney and John Paul II. They had visiting, St. John Vianney's heart and on permanent display, a vial of St. John Paul II's blood. It was incredible to get to sit there so close to these two great saints. I wanted to stay there indefinitely and offered up prayers for every priest and seminarian friend I could think of. Then some of us went to tour the exhibits of St. John Paul II's life while the rest, took a rest. I will have to go back, it is an amazing well done museum that chronicle's his life. It was a fitting close to the march learning how he in his life was a major advocate for the dignity of every human person in particular with his fight against communism and his steadfast spirit in the face of suffering Parkinson's disease.

By the time we got to Union Station we were all starving. We decided on a little diner called Johnny Rockets and enjoyed some very delicious burgers and good company. Afterwards Mr. Smolik and Mrs. Burroughs took some of our students back who still needed to finish their Dual Credit work. The rest of us went for a very long walk to see all the monuments. It's hard to say how much we walked to see those. We began with the Washington monument and worked our way around to the World War II Memorial, Reflection Pool, Korean War Memorial, and the Lincoln Memorial. The Lincoln Memorial is by far my favorite. It fascinates me just how large he is and I like both of his speeches there carved inside. I wish that visitors would keep the silence that is requested, it would make it much more powerful. We really do not know or value the astounding thing that silence can be today. Following the Lincoln Memorial we walked along the Vietnam Memorial Wall. Then the students wanted to see the White House. At this point I was pretty spent and had no desire to walk another half a mile up that direction. But in the end it was night in DC and when else would we ever get to do this? So we made our way there, I kept the pace pretty brisk ready to go back to the metro as soon as possible. After getting our pictures it was another half a mile walk to Metro Center where we boarded for our ride home. We made it back around 11:45. My phone informed me we had walked at least 13.5 miles, over 30,000 steps that day. Needless to say we all went to sleep pretty quickly that night. One of my chaperones, Colette, mentioned that each step was in some way a little reminder of the countless babies lost to abortion. I am unsettled thinking about how in one day with all the walking we did, I could not even make one step for each baby that has died because there are just too many.

Helping each other out with "professional lighting."

Saturday: This morning I beat the metro station to work. Thankfully they arrived not long after I was thinking I needed to just head back and not wait. Got all the cards loaded and headed back to the hotel for mass. Bishop Cahill and Fr. Jasper again celebrated with us a beautiful mass to close our trip. Afterwards we quickly packed everything up and headed to the metro so that we could get to the airport early. The metro ride was quite interesting. So the other march that was taking place was the "Women's March," we saw many people gathering in the metro to head to that event. Our students again witnessed that not everyone sees eye to eye with our Catholic values. One woman told her kid, referring to our students, "those kids are being brainwashed the wrong way." Another woman flicked off our kids when seeing their signs. Our students were very gracious and only responded with prayers. I am very proud of the way they handled themselves while we were out and about this whole trip. Again my devotional was fitting for the day of the march and for the events that have of course followed.

Ty peacefully evangelizing on the Metro

Security was not terrible in-spite of the government shutdown, but it was definitely busier here than at Hobby. Everyone got through and ate lunch then we boarded our plan home for Texas. We were joined by a home-school group from Our Lady of Walsingham on the plane. I sat next to one of their chaperones and it was nice to chat and compare experiences and such about our trip and share our own life experiences in our faith. The Pilot made a wonderful landing in Texas that was met by a loud cheer from all aboard. Again big thank you to all the parents who met us at the airport to take the kids back home!

This blog post has been a long work in progress, if you made it this far, thanks for hanging in there and sticking with me to the end! Huge thank you to all who supported our first parish group in attending the March for Life in Washington DC. We could not have done it without your financial help and prayers! So grateful to have had this experience and opportunity. The work is not over and we cannot let this be our only contribution to the pro-life movement. Our prayers must continue to be unceasing for God's grace and mercy as He converts hearts. We will let Him work through us to be the generation that brings an end to Abortion!