Merry Christmas 2020!

The verse on the front of my Christmas card this year was a great consolation for me to pray with on my silent retreat this past year and for Christmas I wanted to share a bit of that consolation and grace from Jesus with everyone! 

After praying with Matthew 2:1-12, at supper that evening on the same day, I crossed paths with an elderly priest as we headed to our tables. His face was beaming ear to ear with great joy and I wondered what had inspired that as he tended to be pretty straight faced when I saw him. I looked at his plate, all he was having for supper was a pile of rice and 4 fresh chocolate chip cookies! I laughed (silently) to myself! That was very unexpected and gave me a lot of joy to witness his pure joy in something so simple! I imagined this pure genuine, infectious kind of joy must be a tiny glimpse of the immense joy of the Magi upon finding Jesus. 

All of Jerusalem, the “wise,” the leaders and all were completely unaware that their long awaited Messiah, Jesus, had arrived and a star marked the place. These were God's chosen people! The prophets had spoken to them they had been told all the signs and all what their Messiah would be yet they still missed His entrance. Jesus entered our world quietly, but not really intentionally hidden. The wise men, foreigners, found Jesus. The wise men genuinely were seeking the fullness of truth, and so they found what their hearts truly desired. They found the long awaited Messiah. These wise men were entirely spiritually free in that their understanding of what a king should or should not look like where he should or should not be found and all did not bind them from recognizing the King of the Jews. His simple, ordinary, lowly, vulnerable entrance and appearance did not lead them to despair, question or doubt. They in great spiritual freedom simply received Jesus, the Way, Truth, and Life fully as He was. They “rejoiced exceedingly with great joy,” as they shared in God’s abundant unhidden joy in His Son and what was to come for all of humanity through Him! 

For many of us Christmas doesn't look the same as we're accustomed to this year. It isn't what we think it should be and has become part of the great general lament of the year 2020. Many of us did forge on to try to make Christmas celebrations the same. Many had to make sacrifices and changes with their families. My Christmas certainly has been quite different. I wasn't able to see all of my family, and I didn't have multiple gatherings to attend. I knew others were experiencing the same or worse in their circumstances. This left me feeling kind of somber on Christmas Eve, but then I realized while maybe we're being stripped of some or all of the things we love about Christmas, none of those things are Christmas. Christmas is Jesus' birth and the full expression of God's love for us in giving us His Son. God's love unceasingly permeates our lives through His love that knows no bounds that we share now at Christmas and everyday beyond it.  

Especially as this unique and trying year of 2020 comes to an end, and we get ready for a new year of unknowns, let us not get caught up in our own limited expectations and parameters of how we think things should go, or what we have been told and think we should have. As it did the people of Jerusalem, that can blind us from seeing Christ’s goodness in every moment of our lives and in every person we encounter. Jesus is actively loving us in all things, great, small, beautiful, challenging, heart breaking, simple and unexpected. This year as things are different, perhaps we have a greater opportunity, more room, more time for resting in the joy of Christ's birth. 

Let us simply in every moment have great hope in the Lord, and desire His truth and goodness. See the good in even something as simple as a bunch of fresh cookies and have great gratitude to Jesus for all of it. Gratitude is key and as crazy as this year has been there is soooooo much to be grateful for when you really stop to honestly look back on it. God delights in us as we delight in the good we find in His creation as it is all a great gift He freely shares with us constantly. More importantly see God's good in something as simple yet entirely beautiful as the Baby Jesus. I pray your heart is open to simply receive fully God’s true pure immense joy in celebrating the birth of His Son Jesus! This is the source of our Christmas joy! I pray we all seek to be more aware of Jesus, and His unceasing love and joy in us daily, in all things, giving Him always the greatest glory! 

My Tribute to Dr. Richard Douglas Slack 12/25/1942 – 11/14/2020

 

God’s ways of loving and speaking are unique to every individual. Personally, God tends to teach me important lessons in a clear and tangible way through His creation in nature. A year ago I was sitting in silence on a river bank and thinking again about God and how detailed His work of art is in nature and how much more of Him is revealed to us the closer we pay attention and study it. That is what I enjoyed most about majoring in Wildlife and Fisheries sciences, especially the ecology classes, learning more about God’s design for how everything works together. What my professors all taught me has only enriched and brought more detail to these nature reflections with Jesus. As I’ve already told this story in a past blog, a bobcat snuck up on me while I was sitting near that river. It was about 15 yards away from me when I first noticed. When he saw that I saw him he jumped back. He was a really beautiful big cat and at the same time, completely terrifying. He growled at me and that was pretty unnerving to hear. I was definitely scared, but didn’t scream or cry. I instead remained calm and stood up and he jumped back some more still watching me intently. Then I took a slow cautious step out away from the steep river bank and he went back some more. So I decided he was afraid, more than I was, and I took another step out and he ran off. Fr. Kirby invited me to keep thinking about that experience. How when we encounter God, or He places something in our life, it can be beautiful, overwhelming, and terrifying all at the same time. We have to remain calm and trust Him speaking in our hearts to know the next step to take. Then we walk, trusting God with our whole life each day one step at a time. I saw this lesson lived out in a very special professor I had, Dr. R. Douglas Slack.

Dr. Slack's Retirement party. I wish I had a better quality photo but unfortunately this is the best I have.

 

Saturday November 14, 2020 the world lost a tremendous man. Dr. Slack had been on my mind and in my prayers every now and then over the past several years since he retired. A few summers ago I found a little whooping crane Christmas ornament that made me think of him and intended to send it to him then with a thank you letter for all he did for me in school. For one reason or another it ended up being delayed until this last December I decided I ought to stop and take time to get it to him. I emailed Dr. Silvy looking for an address and his response was that Dr. Slack wasn’t doing so well in a special care facility, but gave me an address. I immediately thought the worst and hated I had waited so long to do this. I thought I was too late. I hurried to write him the letter I had always wanted to, telling him what a beautiful impact he had made on my life as a student. This is mostly that letter just rephrased to share about and honor the incredible man he was.

When I transferred into Texas A&M I was coming from a small town where I knew everyone and so felt very lost in the crowd at this university. I had one of Dr. Slack’s classes my second semester and sat near the front in a large lecture hall. I remember a time when on my way to another class I crossed paths with him in a sea of other students hurrying to and from their classes and he acknowledged me, smiled at me and said hello how are you!? It caught me off guard, but made my whole day, that one of my professors remembered me and could pick me out in a crowd. It really means a lot for a person to know they are seen and it sure meant a lot to me day.

Dr. Slack was a professor that took genuine care and interest in each and every student he taught. I am grateful for his support and encouragement to me which began with me visiting him in his office one day during that same 2^nd semester. It was my first as a Wildlife and Fisheries student. I remember being very discouraged by the natural history of vertebrates class and lab. There were a lot of scientific names of species to know. When I met him at his office I told him I wasn’t sure what I was doing anymore or where I was going with this degree or if I was even cut out for it. He talked with me for almost an hour that day. He asked me questions about where I went to school before and where I grew up and about my hobbies and why I was interested in this degree and all. He took time to get to know me. He as well shared some of his own experiences. I remember us talking about the whooping cranes because that was his most treasured work. All in all, he encouraged me to not get down, to remember why I chose this degree and that with good effort I would make it. With this he again made me feel cared for in the sea of people at A&M which gave me the confidence I needed to go forward. Anytime I faced challenges thereafter in any of my classes I always thought back to that conversation and knew I would survive and would make it. I am so glad I stayed and stuck with it.

I am thankful for the wisdom he shared and am glad I was able to take as many classes possible with Dr. Slack before he retired. He had so much he wanted to teach and impart on us. I liked his personal quotes and other quotes that he would add at the top of an assignment, and the syllabus. It was little things like that that showed he really put himself, his heart into teaching. He cared so much about each of us getting a valuable lesson, rather than to just be “passed along.” Because he cared, it guided us to care too. That was something I think I encountered with every professor I had in that department which really made it stand out.

The evening seminar classes were especially the best. I was able to do that for two semesters. Those really helped me to be more prepared for the future. In those, Dr. Slack challenged us to really apply what we had learned at Texas A&M in a real and tangible way. I remember with the last one he had us make a plan for our “dream.” I took that assignment very seriously. I was overwhelmed by it at first and even put it off for a while thinking he was asking us to have life figured out which I definitely did not at that point and still don’t. I brought this assignment to prayer and even up in discussion with one of the pastors I was close to at St. Mary’s. Figuring life all out wasn’t what he was doing obviously, he was giving us tools to go forward to reach those dreams. This was the best assignment. It made us get serious about having goals and knowing what to do to reach them. It made us connect with others already living out the things we imagined doing as well as got us to collaborate and learn from each other in the class. I still use those tools, and I know I wouldn’t be where I am if it were not for that. I’ve used this when trying to get information on teaching projects, or when making a presentation for a talk, or retreat planning. This has as well even helped me to grow in my spiritual life with Jesus. I have a clear idea of where I want to be, as close to Jesus at the foot of His cross as possible. I realize the importance of collaborating and sharing faith and getting all the information I can. I seek advice from and look to others already living their faith as I want to. With God, this has helped me to move forward and get closer to that goal with every action and decision I make. That class was a beautiful gift of formation and growth in life for me and has continued definitely to be so.

Something he told me when I did my final presentation for that class stood out, and I wrote it down not long after. When I did finally present that evening, I talked about how my goal in life is to serve and give of myself for others, how the reason I enjoyed this major was learning more about what all God put into His design and how to take the best care for it. Then I was honest that I wasn’t sure how I would combine both in the future. When I finished Dr. Slack told me I did a great job and he could tell I got a lot out of this project. Then he said, “Alyson I think your goal to serve and your major are most definitely related and you just defined how as you were speaking, being a good Christian means to be a good steward and often we forget that. Science and faith go hand in hand the gap really isn’t as big as most people think it is if you look deeper into it. We need people like you in this field with those values to promote good healthy stewardship and conservation practices in our environment.” I was very touched by that. I had never looked at it this way before and he put things in order and made it clear. What he said gave me new motivation to see how I could serve God, reach out and give of myself to His creation and His people using what I have learned.

As I’ve moved forward from that, what Dr. Slack told me that evening how they are related, has definitely been true in my life and I know that this connection and appreciation for His creation is something special and unique that will continue to go forward with me no matter where I end up. With teaching and just with how I try to live conscious of creation and aware of God’s beauty and love in it, I’m motivated because biodiversity is God’s gift to us. And as I said above, God’s creation is a tremendous gift in which He uses to speak to me and teach me.  

Thinking on the bobcat encounter and what Jesus taught me then, as I said I witnessed it lived out in Dr. Slack. His diagnoses of Parkinson’s disease probably came with some fear and even sadness knowing how that disease plays out. I’m going to say though there was even a beauty in it for him too. It takes a man like Dr. Slack to see that beauty. The beauty is knowing the reality of his situation, the limitations that would soon come. With that he made the decision to retire. In his last year at Texas A&M I was blessed to have him as a professor during both the fall and spring semesters, I witnessed him taking that next step with a calm strength and trust in the Lord as he embraced the challenges and unknowns ahead not holding anything back. He continued that year to give everything he had in teaching us, as he had every semester before. I imagine he poured out even more of himself in that last year. Dr. Slack always had a plan for the future which gave him freedom to live fully in the present, never worrying or hurrying that I saw as he was consistently attentive to all of us, his students.

A few very special things happened in that last year I want to high light. Towards the end of the fall semester he and his wife invited our small seminar class over for dinner out their house. They pulled out all the stops using the fine china and even little dishes for salt I had never seen used in my life. That was so special to be in their company. He cooked his specialty, “Slack’s Paella.” I still have that recipe book and have cooked the Slack’s Paella a few times when entertaining guests. The page is a bit messy now as proof! My guests always enjoyed it though I’m not sure I have ever been able to make it as tasty as his was that evening. During the last spring semester he took our seminar class for a trip to the museum in Houston to see an IMAX about the orphaned baby orangutans and elephants, Born to Be Wild. That was very generous of him to take us all out that day. I bought that DVD when I became a teacher and showed it to every class I had, even the religion ones to lead us into a discussion about caring for God’s creation. Finally I remember his last lecture, I was emotional that day listening to him and am a little teary eyed now thinking back on it. He came dressed to the nines in a tuxedo. He dedicated the lesson to his grandsons. He with every fiber of his being poured out his passion for nature to all of us in that last lecture. It was beautiful and I still have the notes I jotted down from it. We then had a big cake to celebrate him. In all of this Dr. Slack set a good example for us about giving our all even in the face of challenges in life. He as well showed us how important we were to him, we were more than just students, he cared for us like family.

At the IMAX in our 3D goggles

I remember hearing that Dr. Slack retired so that he could spend as much time with his family and grandkids that his health would allow him to knowing it wouldn’t last. Then beyond retiring from what I understand form a brief conversation with Dr. Silvy a few years ago is that he didn’t stop giving of himself to others and to conservation efforts even as his illness was progressing. This was his life’s vocation, loving and caring for his family and as well God’s creation in conservation as they go hand in hand. I was glad to hear that about him and how things were going then. It made me think of St. Pope John Paul II who as well suffered Parkinson’s disease. I gave you Dr. Slack a little medal of St. John Paul II  when he retired. With that diagnosis this Saint as well lived as Dr. Slack did until his death. He continued to pour himself out in love for all people and give a great example to the rest of us of how to live in love even in suffering. This is a Christ-like attribute. In the person he was, Dr. Slack, in all that he taught, in how he lived, in how he cared for others, he showed so many of us the greater importance of humanity in all of God’s creation. How all we were working for in our conservation of biodiversity efforts would point back to, and was for the greater goal, of caring most for our human family, future loved ones, and everyone in the world. The following quotes comes from one of his syllabi.

“We have but one biosphere. We have a responsibility to ensure that we leave this earth ecosystem to our offspring in at least as good condition as we inherited it. Those of us so deeply honored to contribute to Conservation Science have a responsibility to use our skills, or science, and our creativity to maintain the earth’s biodiversity.” – Doug Slack. 

Dr. Slack exuded this reality and vital truth in everything he did and said. This is what this field of study is or should be all about when you get deep into it. Caring for the environment, the home God has given us as a gift, is how we can care for all people world-wide, now and in the future, especially the poor and vulnerable who have little resources already and end up being affected most by the loss of a healthy natural environment. So, the way I see it Dr. Slack’s work in conservation, in research and in teaching and in his participation in policies and such was and is all a great act of charity for the world. This truth to live by is what I learned from his life of humble, selfless stewardship, even though I only knew him a short while. His life is a great blessing. I see this, and God sees infinitely more. I would imagine when he did meet Jesus that he would be one Christ smiles at and says “Well done my good and faithful steward.”

When I sent that letter and little whooping crane out to Dr. Slack I was very glad to receive a letter back from his wife telling me how he was doing and even included a recent Christmas photo. She invited me to come visit if I was ever in the area. Some chance circumstances lead me to be in Austin for the day back at the end of February of this year. While I was eating lunch I thought maybe I should call and see if they don’t mind having a visitor. Out of shyness I almost did not as I worried that it was too last minute of a request. They both graciously invited me over for a couple hours. To my surprise, I found Dr. Slack in good spirits and up and happy to see me. He had the little whooping crane hanging in his room. We took a walk and he gave me a tour of his home telling me all about it and the beyond excellent care he was in. What I was most amused by is that he was still studying and observing! He was of course limited by being confined to the facility so he took to watching people, his fellow residents, and learned quite a bit from them! Just further proof this was his vocation and passion to understand and appreciate better God’s creation. We talked for a long time just catching up and all. I learned a lot in those few hours. We talked about my letter and the importance of telling people how you appreciate them when you get the chance. He and his wife shared how they ended up in such good care there in Austin and I learned about the value and freedom in having an idea of what you hope for and setting out towards that even though you may not have all the details figured out. You just have to trust Jesus and live one day at a time in gratitude.

This is what I witnessed in both he and his wife that day, two people living with a lot of grace, gratitude, and acceptance, appreciating all they had in life as best they could where they were. This called to mind a cactus lesson God gave me once. I found a prickly pear cactus growing way up high in a tree. How it got there, who knows, but it was thriving. It made me think about how God can make good no matter where we end up in life even if it seems far from the norm or doesn’t make sense to us. Sure living in this facility wasn't in the plan before his illness was discovered, but that is where life lead them and to me it seemed they went beyond making the best of it, not just surviving but thriving.

Mrs. Slack had to go to a meeting and left me with Dr. Slack for a bit alone. We talked some more about the classes I had with him and what I was doing then at present. I was getting ready to make my 30 day silent retreat and he was very interested to know how that would all turn out for me. So I planned to make another visit when I returned to share my adventure with him and his wife. Before I left he said, “Dr. Silvy really had you worried I was dying didn’t he?” I said yes to be honest he sure did. “He gave me a good hug and with a big smile said, “well don’t you worry I am doing good and plan on being around another 5 or 10 years.” With that I left feeling very grateful for this man’s life and very much loved.

Unfortunately we all know what happened shortly thereafter in March of 2020. So a 2^nd trip was never possible, which made me incredibly sad especially learning what happened to his health once isolation began. I don’t want to dwell on that though because at the same time there is so much to be grateful for. I’m entirely grateful for a lot. I’m grateful Jesus inspired me to finally reach out and take action to get that little whooping crane to him. I am very thankful for the sense of urgency in Dr. Silvy’s email. I’m grateful I did make the call to visit them rather than give into my worries and shyness. I’m grateful they were free for me to visit. I’m grateful for those last few hours I had to be in his presence again for the first time since he had retired. I’m grateful for all the most valuable life lessons he taught me both as a student and when I was with him again earlier this year.

I invite you to pray with me for the soul of Dr. Slack and as well for his wife and family during this difficult time. Every loss is hard but a man like Dr. Slack is particularly hard to lose. He was a man who freely let the love and goodness of Jesus work through him, so many encountered the love of Christ in being known and cared for by Dr. Slack. I plan to honor his life by continuing to live in awareness, wonder and awe in appreciating the great gift of God’s creation. I as well want to live by Dr. Slack’s example, especially when faced with overwhelming challenges and fear. Take things one step at a time calmly trusting Jesus, living in gratitude for the great good in all things, and still give Him my all in every present moment no matter what happens or where I am all for God’s greater glory.

Thank you Jesus for the incredible gift of Dr. Slack

 The official Obituary for Dr. Slack can be read at this link.

https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/austin-tx/richard-slack-9903244

 

Dr. Slack is so special he got a whole page in my Aggie scrapbook! 

 

 

Pray for All the Holy Souls!

           Last Friday after picking up Aubrey from Shiner I decided to stop in St. Mary’s for a visit with her. This is something I used to like to do when I babysat Aubrey regularly. We’d take a “field trip” and go visit Jesus in the church. I would let her crawl around and she would point out Jesus and Mary. Then we would go around and I would show her the Saints in the windows as I prayed a rosary.

           Taking her in Friday was neat because she is a little older. She can now walk around so I let her go. She pointed out Jesus and Mary. She imitated me when I genuflected before the Tabernacle. Then I decided to film her a bit as she was going around being cute looking at everything. That’s when she started greeting….who? Here’s the video you can see for yourself.

           I have been pretty well convinced even before this that Aubrey, any baby, is able to see angels and saints and perhaps maybe even souls from purgatory. Maybe they are family members? They can’t quite articulate it, but sometimes you catch them smiling or intently staring at seemingly nothing. Here it would seem that she’s clearly saying hello to someone in the pew as she came back to continue to cheerfully say hi.

           This little episode made me wonder who is there in the churches with us that we cannot see? Who is there praying for us or hoping that we will pray for them? We’re never truly alone and this isn’t something to be spooked by. Rather there is an invitation here for prayer.

           Today is All Souls Day and we remember all the souls of the faithful who have not yet made it to Heaven, they wait in Purgatory. I recently read a book that was a collection of accounts about souls in Purgatory who visited living people asking for prayers and masses to be said for them to help them get to Heaven. I’ll add a link to the book at the end. It was a very eye opening read. God does on some occasions allow souls in purgatory to contact the living. There are accounts of saints, like Padre Pio for one, who have had these visits. One thing that stood out to me in reading about theses encounters and what the souls said or did according to the people they visited, is how entirely merciful God is, but also how He is perfectly just. Purgatory is a great mercy of God. These souls are on their way to Heaven, but still have some attachment to sin they must be rid of before entering. Since the souls in Purgatory cannot work this out for themselves, they rely on our prayers for them, masses said for them, communion received for them etc. The souls are suffering. They are so close to their destination, to be in full communion with Jesus, it is what they have yearned for their whole life, and Who they desire most. They are not quite there yet, so close but still so far and that causes them great suffering. The time it takes them to get there is unknown. For some it may be quick and others perhaps as long as till the 2nd coming of Christ. 

           The Church does canonize people and will declare someone to be known to be in Heaven, that's how we have our Saints, but we do not make a judgement of whether a soul could be in Hell. So for all the unknown, we must pray. This may sound weird, but I even have prayed for the mummies in the Houston Museum of Natural Science. It was a few years ago when I visited that it occurred to me that wow that is the body of a real person there, created by God, loved by God, and people just walk on by him every day. I wondered about the state of his soul. Of course he gave his life to worshiping false gods, but did he know any better? Did he have the opportunity to know any better? Only God knows the true state of his soul. So I decided then I would pray a Hail Mary for this guy and the others who lie there in the museum too. Because who really knows, they could be “long forgotten by us souls” needing a tremendous amount of prayers and all to get them moving out.

           This is why we should never take for granted that our loved ones have already “made it.” When someone we love dies, a common thing we hear with the intention of bringing comfort is, “he or she is with Jesus now, they are in Heaven, they are in paradise, at peace etc.” We don’t really know that for sure though. We can and must have great hope for that, but at the same time cannot take for granted that our loved one likely needs and is relying on our prayers for them. It is never too late to be praying for their soul. Thankfully there are many out there blanket praying for all the holy souls in purgatory as we do daily in the Mass. Of course God never forgets theses souls and they will eventually reach Him in Heaven. As I read the book though I wondered how frustrating it would be if no one was praying for you, if people assumed you were in Heaven (or perhaps did not even believe in Purgatory) and so had no worries. What if the offerings and prayers of the family of that person could help speed up their time there? I am determined to have on my headstone one day, “please pray for me,” just to remind anyone who sees it to pray for me and help me along if I am still needing it. 

 

           The Jesuit Spirituality Center there in Grand Coteau as well houses a facility that takes care of elderly retired Jesuit priests and brothers. While on my 30 day silent retreat, two of the priests died, Fr. Rodney Kissinger SJ and Fr. Rolland Lesseps SJ. I want to share a little story about the day Fr. Kissinger passed away. He died at the age of 104 during my first week. They let us know he was near that point so I had been praying for him until he passed. The night of the day he died I went to pray one of my exercises in the St. Ignatius chapel. It was the story of the rich young man who left Jesus sad because of his many possessions. I was trying to understand what Jesus was asking me to give in order to follow Him and it ended with me barely scratching the surface. Literally I thought maybe I needed to drop my suitcase full of clothes at a shelter someplace on my way home and that’s as far as I got. I was tired and decided to just head up to bed. I passed the downstairs sitting room and saw a lamp left on and went to turn it off. A binder on the table caught my eye and was surprised to see Fr. Kissinger’s name on it. It turned out to be a collection of his writings. I thought it was really neat to come upon that knowing he just died that day so I sat down with the intention to skim and winded up down there an hour and a half longer reading everything, except not his retreat book, I didn’t want to spoil anything for me. Many things he said were very profound. These two quotes caught me in particular: “It costs to be a lover, the language of love is sacrifice.” “If you want to know how much you love someone just ask yourself how much you are willing to sacrifice, not of your possessions, but of yourself for that person.” Reading this was an epiphany moment and took my prayer from earlier in the chapel, below the surface, as I realized Jesus is asking me simply for me, all of me in love, to share my whole self and life with Him in everything. This was profound for me and opened my heart to even more on through the rest of my retreat. It helped me to get out of the box and see the bigger picture Jesus was painting for me there. Then Fr. Rodney’s words “fix your eyes on Jesus” as well became a mantra for me to keep me focused on what is important. I know it was no random coincidence that Fr. Rodney “helped” me in my prayer that very day. After his burial, visiting Fr. Rodney’s grave was a daily stop and I’d ask him briefly for his special intercession and thank him for his prayers the day before and leave a flower. I asked all the deceased Jesuits there in that cemetery to pray for me. I knew they were “masters” of the exercises having experienced and likely directed many themselves. Some days as I set out to pray I was challenged wondering what could God possibly have to say for me in this or that scripture passage? What grace will He speak to me from this? Or even some days knew I needed extra help staying focused and disciplined to the hours. So I especially prayed asking for intercession on those days. I firmly believe they came through with their prayers as the graces I received daily were overwhelming and entirely beautiful!

Having these experiences with these deceased Jesuits just further accentuated to me the reality of the mystical body of Christ, the vast assembly of grace filled intercessors we have in Heaven loving us daily in communion with Jesus. It emphasized and reminded me of Jesus’ undying love and as well made me feel even more connected into the Jesuit family there in that time as I know I was being prayed for. We truly are never alone. There is a vast unseen spiritual reality surrounding us daily. We are constantly being prayed for by the saints and angels. Let us never forget to love our entire family in Jesus, especially those still in purgatory who desperately need our prayers so that they may come to full communion with Jesus, Who they were created for and Who they most long for. We can love them greatly beyond their death with our prayers. We hope one day if we must spend time in Purgatory before Heaven that someone will be remembering to pray for us to help us reach Heaven as soon as possible! Go visit and pray at a cemetery today! Like Aubrey, make a point to cheerfully say "hello" to the unseen saints and angles and pray for the souls of Purgatory next time you go to pray in a church. 

Link to the book on Purgatory.

https://www.amazon.com/Hungry-Souls-Supernatural-Messages-Purgatory/dp/0895558998

John 15:13

 No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

Old Jesuit Cemetery, Grand Coteau, LA

         John 15:13 of course describes God, Who is love. We can look back and see how the 2nd Person of the Trinity humbled Himself (laying down His life in a sense), to live as one of us out of love for us. Christ’s whole earthly life was lived in this way as well. During His time on earth He was fully God and fully man and chose to live to the full a natural human life, being obedient to Mary and Joseph, not sparing Himself any suffering or struggles even though He was fully divine. He laid down His life as He left his mother, his work, his home and all to set out and teach and preach and bring people to know the true love, mercy, and healing of God. At the end of His life on earth, Christ shows us this love in the ultimate way through His suffering and death as He sacrificed Himself to save us on the cross.

           This verse came to mind most recently, on Sunday, as I drove away from the St. Mary’s rectory after having one last good visit with my very dear friend, Fr. Max Landman. Yesterday he entered The Society of Jesus (Jesuits) to continue to discern a vocation with them. After that one last hug, and “I’ll see you again one day,” I entirely expected the tears to flow, but they didn’t come. Of course I’m going to miss him, he has been one incredible devoted holy priest in our diocese and we have been blessed by his presence and ministry for these four years. His friendship has been an edifying gift in my own life. I'm grateful for all the ways he helped me grow spiritually and for the love of Christ I’ve encountered just through knowing him. Instead of crying with the reality that I'm not sure when I will see him again, I just smiled as I went away. I am filled with sincere joy, and admiration for him and what God is doing in His life.

           This verse captures the reality of what Fr. Max has been and is continuing to do with his life. He is laying it down in love for Christ to bring as many souls as possible to Him. He is a great example of what it looks like to constantly be attentive and aware of the presence and movements of God in our lives and to keep seeking holiness no matter where it takes us. When he first told me about his discernment with the Jesuits it surprised me. I thought oh wait you aren’t set just because you are ordained, discernment isn’t ever over? It makes sense, God doesn’t just drop us off and say okay hope to see you in Heaven at the end of your road you chose! 

           God calls and invites us all to live out John 15:13. Just as this laying down of one’s life kind of love is not a singular event in the life of Christ, it cannot be a singular event for us either on the day of one’s wedding, ordination, profession of vows or even in our single state of life. This is going to look different in each of our unique lives, but it is directed at the same goal, that we grow in holiness and closer to Jesus. This is the great purpose we are all created for! None of us are here by chance, were all here with a purpose to give God glory and help each other reach Heaven. In his spiritual exercises, St. Ignatius of Loyola teaches, "All the things in this world are gifts of God, created for us, to be the means by which we can come to know him better, love him more surely, and serve him more faithfully."  If we strive to see Jesus in all things and in all people, we can grow in holiness and encounter Christ everywhere as He so desires us to. When we cooperate with God's goodness in our own lives, we help others grow in holiness and come closer to God whether we or they realize it or not. Sometimes, with some people and events it is a lot easier than with others of course.   

       This was one of the greatest and most challenging lessons I learned in the exercises of St. Ignatius. I think (and this is just my own personal thought) St. Ignatius in a way put John 15:13 in his own words when he says in the 2^nd  principal of the Contemplation To Attain Love, “Love consists in sharing what one has and what one is with those one loves.” This is the love that is God. He shares Himself completely, all that He has and all that He is with those who He loves, all of us!

           When praying with this St. Ignatius prompts you to then reflect on this fact and contemplate then what you ought to give to God in light of this truth. The answer is everything, your time, your family, your friends, your job, hobbies, prayer, literally everything, all that you possess. Lay down your life for Christ. Christ asks us to share all that we have, all that we are with Him. He doesn’t force us to give anything up. We have free will and have the freedom to choose to do this in every present moment of our lives. It is much easier said than done. We like to have control or do things our own way, and we become possessive of our possessions (don't just think material). Naturally there are things we can’t or won’t have as they aren’t conducive to our unique beautiful path to holiness. This is where we’re called to have “holy indifference,” or be spiritually free realizing if it will not lead us to our greater holiness then we really don’t need it and therefore shouldn't choose it. The Jesuits have a motto, Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam. It means “all for the greater glory of God.” This is how we can lay down our lives for Jesus in every moment. This motto reminds one to choose daily in all our thoughts, words and actions, what will give God the most glory.

           How can we know when we are living out John 15:13? St. Ignatius as well said, "Whatever you are doing, that which makes you feel the most alive...that is where God is." This is what happens when we lay down our lives for Jesus in every moment, we gain life in Christ. We become more of the incredible person God intended us to be from the beginning. This is so freeing and life giving! This is what we may easily see others when they come alive in what God has called them to. It as well gives us joy and excitement as we're getting to witness God's beauty in them. 

          If we can have this joy seeing it in others shouldn't we be able to have that joy seeing the workings and movements of God in our own lives too? (YES) This isn't a bad thing or a "look at me how good and holy I am living." Rather in true humility do I recognize the goodness of God in all things in my own life and how do I respond?  Even as I witness plainly this great good in others as they choose to lay down their lives for Christ, I am still daily challenged by it even though it is clearly what I want. I desire to live out this call and invitation in my life, to live out more the Alyson God created me to be. However I'm not always actively aware of how God is inviting me to lay down my life for Him. Many times I'm not living very intentionally, many times I'm distracted, and other times honestly I'm clearly failing to answer this invitation as I choose my own way over greater holiness. 

           This is why doing an examen at the end of the day is so helpful and critical. A good examen calls us first to gratitude for the great goodness of God that is always present in our lives. Then it guides us to become aware of how and where we live in and out of that goodness of God. Then it as well guides us to become aware of where we fall short and need His grace and mercy most. We are all ordinary human beings just trying to choose  holiness, to lay down our lives for Jesus, one step at a time. No one is perfect at it, Jesus knows that, He knows we're going to fall and fail, but that doesn't take away the goodness of Christ in us or stop Him from offering His grace time after time and patiently waiting for us to receive it. So being challenged, frustrated or failing with it should never stop us! All we can do is try and take the next step the best we can. There is the saying “a saint is a sinner who keeps on trying” and the internet isn’t much help in trying to figure out where it came from. One Saint put it this way, “Don’t forget that the saint is not the person who never falls, but rather the one who never fails to get up again, humbly and with a holy stubbornness."  St. Josemaria Escriva. 

           We have to keep being aware and listening as He is actively loving and calling us in every moment daily. He simply asks us to trust and choose holiness in all we say, think, and do, to choose to set aside ourselves, lose our lives in Christ, and strive to give Him the greatest glory in all things. God gives us all that we need, all of Himself, in every step. 

If you read this please pause a moment and say a prayer for Fr. Max Landman as he begins this new journey with Christ as a Jesuit.  

"See You"

          

          Today 9 years ago Papa passed away. I remember I had spent the night at my Memo Bludau’s house, anticipating stopping by his house on our way to Rockport so that I could see him again. I got the call that morning that he had already gone to meet Jesus.

          On the 4th I had spent my last night at their house while he was still there. Instead of him coming to my room to cut off the light and tell me, “I love you and good night” as he always had anytime I spent the night there before, I went to his room. I pulled up his covers, I told him I loved him, as I kissed him on the cheek goodnight and turned out his light for him. The next morning we had breakfast together, which was his last meal out in the kitchen at his place at the table. Then he went back to his bed. I had to leave to go to an organic chemistry class in College Station that morning. I hated leaving knowing my time with him was running out very fast and I wanted all I could get. I went to his room and talked to him, I hoped it wasn't the last time, I told him I would come by in a couple days on my way to Rockport. We told each other I love you, and as I left he smiled and waved at me and said “See You.”

          While I was on my 30 day silent retreat this last March I had a special moment with Papa that I would like to share. The day Fr. Ostini SJ had me reflect on the resurrection of Christ, was the day Fr. Rolland Lesseps SJ, one of the Jesuit priests in residence at St. Charles, passed away. So even though I was in silence I could sense everyone was a little bit down. One person in particular who caught my attention was a novice, Evan, who was usually very upbeat and smiling and even greeting me everywhere though I was in silence. That morning when I saw him in the commons he was laid up on the couch just staring off and didn’t even acknowledge I had walked past him.

          I on the other hand was in high spirits reflecting on the resurrection finally, after having spent days with Jesus in His suffering and death on the cross. I had even offered up and abstained from everything I enjoyed during those days, swinging, favorite places, cookies, music, etc. Anything I had some control over that gave me joy, I refrained from it. That morning I allowed myself to enjoy everything to the full. I went and swung on my favorite swing, I enjoyed the trees, tea, cookies, music and even decided to go up in the balcony of the chapel and play on the piano.

          I didn’t want anyone to know I was there so planned on just turning the volume almost all the way down. Well that chapel makes all sorts of noises when you open the doors, when the wind blows and all. I was down behind the organ trying to plug in the piano when I heard someone come through the balcony door on the opposite side of the organ from me. I decided I better stand up and let them know I was there too instead of being creepy. Well I stood up pretty fast and basically scared the socks off of Evan which in turn made me jump too. He said he thought he heard someone messing with the sound system and wanted to check it out. I got worried I was not being as discreet as I thought I had been. He asked if I was good before he was turning to head out and I said yeah I’m good I’m praying with the resurrection today so I’m very good!

          Evan stopped and sat down saying that was wonderful and could tell he was fondly remembering when he too reached that point in his own exercises. He asked me to play something on the piano. I was shy, but I attempted Hail Mary Gentle Woman. He said thank you, I needed that, I needed to be reminded of the resurrection too. He said he had been down about Fr. Rolland’s death all morning. He said Fr. Rolland at this point over the last few weeks, couldn’t talk, just grunted. Evan still knew he was a great guy and was sad about this, his 2nd death of a priest while he had been in Grand Coteau. He continued saying he had not even been thinking about the resurrection, just hung up on death, so he needed this. I said I think it is harder at our age to accept death so freely. He said a lot of the older guys are so ready and some even envious of their brothers when they pass. We talked a bit more about death and resurrection and how I was “celebrating.” As the conversation got lighter, I had to tell him I was disappointed someone put the raisin cookies in the chocolate chip labeled section of the cabinet. He had noticed this too and agreed it was an awful thing. I then told him how my grandpa, Papa, called raisins bugs. I remember when I was little he would say he had bugs in his cereal. We had a good laugh and he thanked me for sharing some of my resurrection joy with him even if it meant breaking silence. He headed back out of the balcony to finish his rosary and I followed as it was as well time to go to lunch. He said “See You” and I replied the same. I thought yeah see you, but I shouldn’t be talking! It was fine. I decided it was all part of Jesus’ consolations in the resurrection and they were meant to be shared.

          Later as I was getting ready for my next prayer exercise I thought about Evan saying “see you” and recalled those were Papa’s last words to me. I thought it was neat, but didn’t think too much of it. I instead reflected on what Evan had said about Fr. Rolland and how he was so down about his death even though he really didn’t know him well, as he couldn’t communicate in his last days. I wondered about how that could be. I thought about the sadness of death and it occurred to me that maybe part of that great sadness is that in death we lose a place (person) where we once encountered the love and goodness of Jesus. These are two things that do not require words to express and communicate to one another. I imagined Evan, in his role of visiting with and caring for the elderly Jesuits, had to have spent time with Fr. Rolland at some point and even if they could not communicate, or go on walks, they were present to each other. Just being present goes a long way. I think Jesus in them reached out to both of them, loving them, just in their presence with each other. As I said, words are not a necessity to know the goodness and love of Jesus in a person. Jesus’ love reaches us through others in a very real way. This is something important to keep in mind especially when it seems like "almost nothing is left" of a person whether due to injury or illness or some other condition or the nearness of their death. Maybe all they can do is look or smile or maybe not even that at all, but Jesus is still in them. His good purpose is still being fulfilled in them. Being in their presence we can still give and receive His love. So when death comes, we lose that place, or person, Jesus touched us through. I even want to compare it to Good Friday and the distinct empty feeling of the church as the Blessed Sacrament is not in the tabernacle. It feels like there is a void just as the death of someone who exuded Jesus’ love to us to the end, leaves a void.

          It is important to remember Jesus’ presence in us on Good Friday is not gone. When we experience the loss of anyone who dies, that love and goodness of Jesus remains with us and all who were loved by that person, all who that person brought Jesus to. That love continues to affect us all the days of our life. The love and goodness of Jesus is never lost.

          When I finally go to my reflection on the passage for my exercise, John 20:11-18, Mary’s deep loss stood out. It was kind of like she was experiencing loss of Jesus twice as she witnessed His suffering and death and then now His body was gone from the tomb. She is so consumed with her grief that she does not at first recognize Jesus present with her. Even the angels do not seem to startle her as she is so caught up in great sorrow and weeping. The angels and Jesus point that out in asking her why she is weeping.

          I thought about how this is a pretty common thing for people when tragedy hits us. We can get so caught up in and overwhelmed by grief that we lose our awareness of Jesus with us. We do not see God in what happened, or in how we feel, and may even get angry at or feel forsaken by God. We do not see His love and goodness even though He has never left us. Jesus is there desiring to console us as He did Mary. He calls her by name which I thought was special. To call one by name says, “I know you and you know me.” “I have called you by name, you are mine.” She then is able to see Jesus there resurrected with her. He consoles her, tells her what it meant to have her presence, tells her it was worth it for her. Then He explains what He is doing and where and to whom He is going. This as well was consoling for her as she did not want to lose Him again. He also says, “Don’t hold on to me.”

          I may have taken this out of context, but when thinking about these words of Jesus and Mary’s earlier grief, my own grief over people close to me who have died, came to mind. I still pray for them and their souls and trust them in the loving and merciful hands of Jesus. These are individuals who I have “hung on to” though in grief and concern for their souls, desiring them to be in Heaven. At this moment being so far from home I began really missing them. I wondered why I can’t see them resurrected. I wanted to see them. I prayed and Jesus consoled me and gave me a lot of peace.

          I began to really miss Papa in particular though and the grief I had experienced when he died was made present again. In my tears I told Jesus it would be nice to have some sign or indication that he is okay. There were two cardinals chirping loudly outside the grotto where I was praying. I know people often say they represent a loved one from Heaven being near. I smiled wondering if that was true. I thought about Papa more and wished for something more concrete and telling. I said Jesus it would be really consoling to just see him resurrected. It would be neat to see him even for a second. I paused and waited. I thought, a little less seriously now, but half hoping too, Jesus it would be pretty neat if I saw him in that dining hall later when I go in to supper. I imagined him sitting and conversing with the old Jesuits, he would fit right in. All of a sudden Evan’s “see you” came to my mind. Those were Papa’s last words. I cried now at the memory of it. I miss him so much. This also gave me a great peace and calm too in the tears and the birds were even quiet now. I thought about how I had told Evan about the raisin memory of Papa earlier that day just before he left me with, “see you.” Who knows, maybe that “see you” was a little wink from Papa. More importantly maybe Jesus wanted me to reflect on those words, “see you.” They are not a good bye. They point to the reality of the resurrection. They are resurrection words, and words of hope. I will see Papa again one day in the resurrection. I will see Jesus too.

          Jesus in His suffering and death on the cross saw me and all of us and said, “You are worth it, all of this.” He did this so that our souls may be joyfully received in full communion of love with Him in the resurrection. He received Fr. Rolland, and has received my grandpa, “rejoicing exceedingly with great joy.” Death is not the end, Jesus has the final word and His word, His love remains. While we naturally feel the pain of loss when someone we love dies, we have to keep looking forward to the resurrection with hope and joy where we will all see each other with Jesus again. We have to remain aware that Jesus' love and goodness and good purpose for us remains. We are not forgotten and we never lose Jesus. He is with us desiring to console us. Perhaps that “See you” is as well from Jesus saying, "even though you have lost a person, you do not lose my love that you both shared, you will still see me, my love and goodness remains on in you and in all things."

A Hidden Life

Jesus said to the Twelve: “Fear no one.
Nothing is concealed that will not be revealed,
nor secret that will not be known.
What I say to you in the darkness, speak in the light;
what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.
And do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul;
rather, be afraid of the one who can destroy
both soul and body in Gehenna.
Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin?
Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s knowledge.
Even all the hairs of your head are counted.
So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Everyone who acknowledges me before others
I will acknowledge before my heavenly Father.
But whoever denies me before others,
I will deny before my heavenly Father.”  Matthew 10:26-33

           This was the gospel reading from last Sunday. Last Saturday I had came upon A Hidden Place in the Redbox. By the way this blog post is not a movie review, it is mostly a compilation of thoughts I have had over the week after watching it. Also, do I need to give a "spoiler alert" as it is based on true events? I don't really think so, but consider that your alert if you need one. So anyhow, I didn’t know a whole lot about this movie before seeing it. I had seen the trailer some time ago so knew that it was set in WWII, and I was intrigued as I vaguely gathered the couple must have endured some kind of suffering and their apparent love had to have played a big role in their survival. The movie was entirely beautiful and powerful. The next morning at mass as I listened to each of the readings I realized Bl. Franz Jägerstätter's life, very much reflected the direct and challenging message God has for us in boldly following Him. I ended up keeping it an extra day to watch it again, with subtitles, so that I would not miss any of what was said and reflected further. I highly recommend you to see this movie as well, especially now when we have more time and we definitely need inspiration and encouragement to continue living for Christ through and in all things. This movie is not meant to entertain rather it is contemplative, it will make you think, & it will move you and inspire you.

           This movie is inspired by the true events of the life of Bl. Franz Jägerstätter, who was a conscientious objector, and his wife Fanny, (Franziska) in St. Radegund, Austria during the Anschluss. Franz and Fanny were two ordinary hardworking farmers who lived a simple life in their rural community. From what I’ve looked into it sounds like the director, Terrence Malick, did a good job of staying true to the characters and the story. The scenes of their homeland are breathtaking. Those who live in a rural place as Franz and Fanny did, know the blessing it is, the quiet, the space, the natural beauty and the somewhat immunity from what is going on outside. I think of for example with the covid lock down, I gained a whole new appreciation for rural life. I spent part of it with the Jesuits on the edge of the tiny rural community of Grand Coteau and that rural haven continued on when I got home. In both places I had the luxury of the space for long walks, bike rides, and to just enjoy the outdoors. I know this is not the case for everyone at present so I really am grateful. Of course Franz and Fanny were very much aware of what was going on outside their home too with the war and the rise of Hitler, and slowly it did come to touch and affect their community. There is a scene when Fanny looks up, concerned, hearing a plane flying over reminding her of what is going on outside in the world. It cannot be ignored there is no place to hide and eventually they would have to face it. They couldn’t go back or pretend things weren’t happening. 

           In our own rural county eventually covid spread, and now we know personally one or more people who have had it. The regulations for safety are being enforced more stringently. Our lives have  been turned over as we try and figure out how to live in this “new normal” causing much frustration and worry understandably. I hear often “I can’t wait to go back to normal” or “until we can go back to the way things were this is how it will be.” I’m afraid many are actually waiting and hoping for this, that we will go back. Do we really have the freedom to do that? Do we have the time to do that? Do we really want to go back to exactly the way things were before? The future is unknown, we do not know how long this will all last, we do not know what is to come, it could be better or it could be worse. In this time of uncertainty and frustration who are we leaning on, what and who are we allowing to guide us through all of the unknown? Is it the news channels? Is it the politics, opinions, and covid updates in a Facebook or Twitter news feed? 

           It is God who holds us yet we have continued to try and control and provide for ourselves to make things as we think they should be. As the gospel above states, “do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.” Our Father in Heaven sees you, all of us. His goodness dwells in each and every one of us and He has a good purpose for our lives and He is working that every moment whether we are ever aware of that or not. He created us to live and make present His love here. We do have more freedom than we realize, we have the freedom to keep living in the present as best we can as God asks us too in all our thoughts, words and actions. We have the freedom to be aware of Him and allow Him to work in and through us. We must choose to lean on and rely on Our Good Father for guidance in these uncertain times. If we're unsure what this means we must start with truly committing ourselves to prayer, listen to God's word in the scriptures, and let go and be lead by that. Don't wait for what we once knew as normal to return, to start living. The world is constantly changing and life moves by and our time here on earth slips away every moment. "Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?" Luke 12:25.

           Bl. Franz and Fanny in the midst of WWII Austria, chose to lean entirely on their faith and devotion to Christ to guide them forward during their own trying times. In the movie we see what an ordinary simple life, lived centered on and guided by Christ looks like. Something that struck me was the grand beauty and simplicity of the life of Franz and Fanny Jägerstätter. As I said they were hard working farmers so naturally they already relied heavily on God's providence in their daily lives. They also loved each other “out loud.” In a video interview I watched about the movie it was said that Franz and Fanny in real life were very outwardly affectionate with each other and their daughters which wasn’t something typical for couples at the time. I thought it was incredible and the movie spent a lot of time showing this pure love they had. It almost seemed unreal, unbelievable at first. I wonder if that’s because perhaps in our society that has been somewhat lost in the rush and business of life as we've way over-complicated things. I’m so glad the movie spent so much time showing this especially in a time when divorce rates are higher than lasting marriages. I of course do not know what it is like to be married, but the glimpse I got of what Franz and Fanny had, that is what I would want. It is what all of us hopefully would seek in that sacred sacrament, to be with someone who loves Christ more than you and lives out of the reality of that love. The love of Christ should freely be allowed to permeate every aspect of the relationship. Franz and Fanny had that kind communion with Christ and in turn with each other. Their pure affection spoke “I love you” all the time, but not always with words, through service, touch, smiles, sharing life in work, in rest, in recreation and all.

           Another thing that struck me was their great faith and devotion to the Catholic Church. I read elsewhere that Bl. Franz had been much different before he met and fell in love with and married Fanny. He had been wild and unruly and even had fathered a child out of wedlock. His conversion came with his marriage to Fanny. They went on a pilgrimage to Rome soon after they were married and he fell into deep love and devotion for Christ and His Church. This is what your vocation does (or should do when we cooperate with God’s grace in it), it draws you out and you are lead to become more the person God created you to be. It gives you new life. Bl. Franz was so changed that his wife Fanny was even "blamed" for his ultimate decision to object supporting Hitler and this unjust war. Throughout the movie symbols of faith and sacramentals were seen everywhere. I loved seeing the images of Jesus and Mary throughout their farmhouse. They were simple reminders to them of God’s presence consistently with them. Most importantly their faith was shown in how they lived, in their words, in prayers, in how they treated one another and raised their family. I was impressed with Bl. Franz how he sought counsel from his pastor and even the local bishop. Unfortunately, ensnared by fear of the present political powers, their counsel fell very short. But there were other religious at the time who had more fortitude and suffered for it whose stories gave hope to Bl. Franz and their witness guided him in his decision. Bl. Franz and Fanny continued to pray and trust God and with great fortitude stayed true to what their faith clearly told them was right. They loved and supported each other and encouraged each other despite being ridiculed and persecuted by everyone else around them even those in their own church.

           The movie has been on my mind all week and this Sunday's gospel just took my reflection further. 

“whoever does not take up his cross
and follow after me is not worthy of me.
Whoever finds his life will lose it,
and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Mt. 10:38&39

           I saw this plainly with Bl. Franz. This cross was forced upon him by people falling into sin and was beyond his control. He was able to avoid it for some time as he was needed as a farmer at home. His own community though added to the burden, insulting and ridiculing and shunning him and his family for not going along and making an oath to Hitler and the Nazi party. Rather than trying to save face he remained steady and continued to object to what he knew was evil. Eventually he got called up again and this cross was no longer avoidable. He still had a choice. “If God gives us free will we are responsible for what we do….and what we fail to do.” – Franz. He went and with great fortitude quietly refused to make the oath to Hitler with the rest of those enlisted that day and so was sent immediately to prison.

           While I was on retreat in March and was reflecting on Jesus taking up and carrying His own cross. I got hung up on Simon who carried the cross with Jesus. As I reflected and used my imagination getting into the scene and the reality of what was going on, I realized okay he likely did not readily embrace the cross, naturally he wouldn’t want to be associated with “a criminal” he likely feared the soldiers knowing what they were capable of. Or, or perhaps he did know what they were doing to Jesus was unjust and wanted no part in "helping" get Jesus to His cruel and ignominious death. He would have understandably been repulsed by what he was being forced to do either way. I thought of crosses in my life and how I have struggled to accept and carry them, how I’ve tended to try to avoid them and go about not living any differently refusing at first to see what God would have me do with them. Eventually I have come around to His grace. When I discussed this with my director, Fr. Ostini, he taught me something very important. He said Christ Himself was repulsed naturally by the Cross. He asked that this cup be taken from him, but ultimately freely desired His Father’s will be done and not His own. Fr. Ostini said many times crosses are put on us by others, by their mistakes or sins against us. So we should be repulsed by these crosses and not run to them, but rather try and avoid them if possible. When we find that they are upon us and cannot be avoided then we get to decide what we do with it. We can be burdened by it, letting it keep us from Christ, or we can freely choose to unite it with Christ and seek His will for how to carry it and follow Him. The cross was forced on Simon, but he still had free will in how he carried it. He could have fought it, or begrudgingly gone along and even in some way made it harder on Jesus, but he is remembered positively in the Gospels. I imagine he chose to allow the grace of Jesus' passion to change his heart to one of true compassion as he was that close to Jesus carrying The Cross. 

           Bl. Franz knew he had freedom and made a choice in how he would carry the cross forced upon him. He turned and handed his life completely over to the loving hands of Jesus. This line he says in the movie describes that, “When you give up the idea of surviving at any price, a new light floods in. Once you were in a rush always short of time, now you have all you need. Once you never forgave anyone, judged people without mercy. Now you see your own weakness so you can understand the weakness of others.” To me this is spiritual freedom and describes what happens when one “loses their life” for Christ and ends up finding true life in Him. The movie showed how this reality played out in Bl. Franz's life in prison. He prayed constantly, he had compassion for his fellow inmates, he saw them, he let go and didn't hold judgement towards those who chose to go along with the Nazis. You can refuse to condone something without judging or condemning a person and he showed how that is possible. Seeing this play out in the movie I was reminded of Christ and His infinite mercy on all, how He died for all asking for forgiveness on even those who were directly persecuting Him. This changed my perspective on present times. I had been complaining, and frustrated with the challenges we all are facing and have been back and forth about everything. I have been frustrated because the things I desire seem further from my grasp in covid world. I have so much I want to give and be present for. I wanted to celebrate the recent ordinations. I want to be able to celebrate church picnics, weddings and new babies with friends. I want to visit people and places. I want a job that gives me independence. I want to be living out a particular vocation. After this movie I wondered what am I doing? Am I living or am I just sitting here complaining? Who am I living for? Am I leaning on Christ or trying to make my own way through all of this? Yes there are a ton of restrictions, but will I let that keep me from fully living the life Christ is asking me to in the present? When we give up trying to cling to our own life. and place it all in Christ's hands, just living to the full as He would have us do in every ordinary moment, we become free of the rush, worry and time. We may naturally be disappointed or concerned with what we can or cannot do or with the unknown of what is to come, but there is no need to be burdened by it. We must seek to be spiritually free as we share this all with Christ. We can rest in knowing we are giving our best to Jesus in every present moment as we let Him guide our thoughts, words and actions.    

             A great sense of gratitude overcame me with this. No I can’t see people I would like, but am thankful for time for phone conversations and texts. I’m thankful we can send and share pictures and video of things we can’t all attend. I'm thankful for friends who reached out and gave me a job at Splashway. I'm thankful for the people I get to help and work with every day. I’m thankful to be at home with my parents with the land to walk around and enjoy nature. I'm thankful that I didn't have a regular job over this last year and I had so much time with my niece Aubrey. I'm thankful I had the freedom to make the 30 day spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius this spring. I am thankful Fr. Ostini kept me there in Grand Coteau with him to finish instead of sending me home when things got worse. I’m thankful for more time now to think and pray. I'm thankful for the scriptures and so much more. There are a lot of regulations for attending mass, but I’m so entirely grateful I can still go and receive Jesus daily even if I must wear a mask. The Eucharist is life! At mass yesterday when we had to wear our masks, Romans 8 came to mind (in song form), but here are the scripture verses;

"What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword? As it is written: For your sake we are being slain all the day; we are looked upon as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39          

           Towards the end of the movie, after Bl. Franz was given his death sentence, his wife Fanny came to visit him in Berlin. Everyone was trying to convince Franz yet again to just change his mind, to just make the oath, to save his life for the sake of his family. Fanny told him, “no matter what I am with you, do what is right, I love you.” This love and encouragement from her gave Bl. Franz an even greater freedom and courage to do what is right. Having the one you love, who loves you supporting you as hard as the situation is goes a long way. She made me think of the Blessed Mother and her constant love and support for her Son Jesus. She supported and loved Him even to the foot of the cross desiring Him to do the greatest good, to do God's will. Can we even fathom what that had to have meant to Christ having His mother there with Him all the way to Calvary? Fanny then kept Franz in her prayers which we hear as he endures his final days in prison before the end. She tells God, “you love him more than I do, give him courage, wisdom and strength.” This is true love wishing the greatest good for another, wishing God’s good for another no matter how difficult it is.

              The growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs. -George Eliot (end quote of the movie) 
  

           All throughout the movie the message was reiterated to Bl. Franz that his choice, this one small act of objection to injustice would not make a difference, that no one would know of him beyond his death. There was a message written in German (sprechen verboten) on the prison walls that translated to, “talking forbidden,” which was further desolation in a sense telling Bl. Franz that he was not free that he could do nothing, change nothing, and make no difference. However he knew he was master of his own will and that meant something. He freely chose to bind his heart and soul, his own will to Christ’s will. Now today we see what great grace and blessings has come of his life and his choice to not offend God at all costs. His story is known, it is not hidden and cannot be hidden. He is a martyr and has been beatified by the church. He has inspired countless souls leading them to choose to die to themselves for Christ. We're all called and able by God's grace to live heroic holiness in our own every day ordinary lives. I encourage you to seek this especially now. Foster a greater sense of gratitude by finding the good God has worked and is working for you in all things. Seek to see Christ in all things, all situations and in all people. Freely choose to live as He asks you to in every thought, word and deed. The crosses in your life, pain, suffering and death do not have the final word! This is the victory we're all capable of, made possible by Christ's own overcoming of death on the cross with His Resurrection! 

For if by the transgression of the one the many died,

how much more did the grace of God
and the gracious gift of the one man Jesus Christ
overflow for the many. Romans 5:15





To read more about Bl. Franz Jägerstätter I recommend this blog post.

https://johnpwalshblog.com/2017/10/26/blessed-franz-jagerstatter-1907-1943-farmer-husband-and-father-conscientious-objector-and-martyr/


Here is the trailer for the movie.