Today 9 years ago Papa passed away. I remember I had spent the night at my Memo Bludau’s house, anticipating stopping by his house on our way to Rockport so that I could see him again. I got the call that morning that he had already gone to meet Jesus.
On the 4th I had spent my last night at their house while he was still there. Instead of him coming to my room to cut off the light and tell me, “I love you and good night” as he always had anytime I spent the night there before, I went to his room. I pulled up his covers, I told him I loved him, as I kissed him on the cheek goodnight and turned out his light for him. The next morning we had breakfast together, which was his last meal out in the kitchen at his place at the table. Then he went back to his bed. I had to leave to go to an organic chemistry class in College Station that morning. I hated leaving knowing my time with him was running out very fast and I wanted all I could get. I went to his room and talked to him, I hoped it wasn't the last time, I told him I would come by in a couple days on my way to Rockport. We told each other I love you, and as I left he smiled and waved at me and said “See You.”
While I was on my 30 day silent retreat this last March I had a special moment with Papa that I would like to share. The day Fr. Ostini SJ had me reflect on the resurrection of Christ, was the day Fr. Rolland Lesseps SJ, one of the Jesuit priests in residence at St. Charles, passed away. So even though I was in silence I could sense everyone was a little bit down. One person in particular who caught my attention was a novice, Evan, who was usually very upbeat and smiling and even greeting me everywhere though I was in silence. That morning when I saw him in the commons he was laid up on the couch just staring off and didn’t even acknowledge I had walked past him.
I on the other hand was in high spirits reflecting on the resurrection finally, after having spent days with Jesus in His suffering and death on the cross. I had even offered up and abstained from everything I enjoyed during those days, swinging, favorite places, cookies, music, etc. Anything I had some control over that gave me joy, I refrained from it. That morning I allowed myself to enjoy everything to the full. I went and swung on my favorite swing, I enjoyed the trees, tea, cookies, music and even decided to go up in the balcony of the chapel and play on the piano.
I didn’t want anyone to know I was there so planned on just turning the volume almost all the way down. Well that chapel makes all sorts of noises when you open the doors, when the wind blows and all. I was down behind the organ trying to plug in the piano when I heard someone come through the balcony door on the opposite side of the organ from me. I decided I better stand up and let them know I was there too instead of being creepy. Well I stood up pretty fast and basically scared the socks off of Evan which in turn made me jump too. He said he thought he heard someone messing with the sound system and wanted to check it out. I got worried I was not being as discreet as I thought I had been. He asked if I was good before he was turning to head out and I said yeah I’m good I’m praying with the resurrection today so I’m very good!
Evan stopped and sat down saying that was wonderful and could tell he was fondly remembering when he too reached that point in his own exercises. He asked me to play something on the piano. I was shy, but I attempted Hail Mary Gentle Woman. He said thank you, I needed that, I needed to be reminded of the resurrection too. He said he had been down about Fr. Rolland’s death all morning. He said Fr. Rolland at this point over the last few weeks, couldn’t talk, just grunted. Evan still knew he was a great guy and was sad about this, his 2nd death of a priest while he had been in Grand Coteau. He continued saying he had not even been thinking about the resurrection, just hung up on death, so he needed this. I said I think it is harder at our age to accept death so freely. He said a lot of the older guys are so ready and some even envious of their brothers when they pass. We talked a bit more about death and resurrection and how I was “celebrating.” As the conversation got lighter, I had to tell him I was disappointed someone put the raisin cookies in the chocolate chip labeled section of the cabinet. He had noticed this too and agreed it was an awful thing. I then told him how my grandpa, Papa, called raisins bugs. I remember when I was little he would say he had bugs in his cereal. We had a good laugh and he thanked me for sharing some of my resurrection joy with him even if it meant breaking silence. He headed back out of the balcony to finish his rosary and I followed as it was as well time to go to lunch. He said “See You” and I replied the same. I thought yeah see you, but I shouldn’t be talking! It was fine. I decided it was all part of Jesus’ consolations in the resurrection and they were meant to be shared.
Later as I was getting ready for my next prayer exercise I thought about Evan saying “see you” and recalled those were Papa’s last words to me. I thought it was neat, but didn’t think too much of it. I instead reflected on what Evan had said about Fr. Rolland and how he was so down about his death even though he really didn’t know him well, as he couldn’t communicate in his last days. I wondered about how that could be. I thought about the sadness of death and it occurred to me that maybe part of that great sadness is that in death we lose a place (person) where we once encountered the love and goodness of Jesus. These are two things that do not require words to express and communicate to one another. I imagined Evan, in his role of visiting with and caring for the elderly Jesuits, had to have spent time with Fr. Rolland at some point and even if they could not communicate, or go on walks, they were present to each other. Just being present goes a long way. I think Jesus in them reached out to both of them, loving them, just in their presence with each other. As I said, words are not a necessity to know the goodness and love of Jesus in a person. Jesus’ love reaches us through others in a very real way. This is something important to keep in mind especially when it seems like "almost nothing is left" of a person whether due to injury or illness or some other condition or the nearness of their death. Maybe all they can do is look or smile or maybe not even that at all, but Jesus is still in them. His good purpose is still being fulfilled in them. Being in their presence we can still give and receive His love. So when death comes, we lose that place, or person, Jesus touched us through. I even want to compare it to Good Friday and the distinct empty feeling of the church as the Blessed Sacrament is not in the tabernacle. It feels like there is a void just as the death of someone who exuded Jesus’ love to us to the end, leaves a void.
It is important to remember Jesus’ presence in us on Good Friday is not gone. When we experience the loss of anyone who dies, that love and goodness of Jesus remains with us and all who were loved by that person, all who that person brought Jesus to. That love continues to affect us all the days of our life. The love and goodness of Jesus is never lost.
When I finally go to my reflection on the passage for my exercise, John 20:11-18, Mary’s deep loss stood out. It was kind of like she was experiencing loss of Jesus twice as she witnessed His suffering and death and then now His body was gone from the tomb. She is so consumed with her grief that she does not at first recognize Jesus present with her. Even the angels do not seem to startle her as she is so caught up in great sorrow and weeping. The angels and Jesus point that out in asking her why she is weeping.
I thought about how this is a pretty common thing for people when tragedy hits us. We can get so caught up in and overwhelmed by grief that we lose our awareness of Jesus with us. We do not see God in what happened, or in how we feel, and may even get angry at or feel forsaken by God. We do not see His love and goodness even though He has never left us. Jesus is there desiring to console us as He did Mary. He calls her by name which I thought was special. To call one by name says, “I know you and you know me.” “I have called you by name, you are mine.” She then is able to see Jesus there resurrected with her. He consoles her, tells her what it meant to have her presence, tells her it was worth it for her. Then He explains what He is doing and where and to whom He is going. This as well was consoling for her as she did not want to lose Him again. He also says, “Don’t hold on to me.”
I may have taken this out of context, but when thinking about these words of Jesus and Mary’s earlier grief, my own grief over people close to me who have died, came to mind. I still pray for them and their souls and trust them in the loving and merciful hands of Jesus. These are individuals who I have “hung on to” though in grief and concern for their souls, desiring them to be in Heaven. At this moment being so far from home I began really missing them. I wondered why I can’t see them resurrected. I wanted to see them. I prayed and Jesus consoled me and gave me a lot of peace.
I began to really miss Papa in particular though and the grief I had experienced when he died was made present again. In my tears I told Jesus it would be nice to have some sign or indication that he is okay. There were two cardinals chirping loudly outside the grotto where I was praying. I know people often say they represent a loved one from Heaven being near. I smiled wondering if that was true. I thought about Papa more and wished for something more concrete and telling. I said Jesus it would be really consoling to just see him resurrected. It would be neat to see him even for a second. I paused and waited. I thought, a little less seriously now, but half hoping too, Jesus it would be pretty neat if I saw him in that dining hall later when I go in to supper. I imagined him sitting and conversing with the old Jesuits, he would fit right in. All of a sudden Evan’s “see you” came to my mind. Those were Papa’s last words. I cried now at the memory of it. I miss him so much. This also gave me a great peace and calm too in the tears and the birds were even quiet now. I thought about how I had told Evan about the raisin memory of Papa earlier that day just before he left me with, “see you.” Who knows, maybe that “see you” was a little wink from Papa. More importantly maybe Jesus wanted me to reflect on those words, “see you.” They are not a good bye. They point to the reality of the resurrection. They are resurrection words, and words of hope. I will see Papa again one day in the resurrection. I will see Jesus too.
Jesus in His suffering and death on the cross saw me and all of us and said, “You are worth it, all of this.” He did this so that our souls may be joyfully received in full communion of love with Him in the resurrection. He received Fr. Rolland, and has received my grandpa, “rejoicing exceedingly with great joy.” Death is not the end, Jesus has the final word and His word, His love remains. While we naturally feel the pain of loss when someone we love dies, we have to keep looking forward to the resurrection with hope and joy where we will all see each other with Jesus again. We have to remain aware that Jesus' love and goodness and good purpose for us remains. We are not forgotten and we never lose Jesus. He is with us desiring to console us. Perhaps that “See you” is as well from Jesus saying, "even though you have lost a person, you do not lose my love that you both shared, you will still see me, my love and goodness remains on in you and in all things."
