"See You"

          

          Today 9 years ago Papa passed away. I remember I had spent the night at my Memo Bludau’s house, anticipating stopping by his house on our way to Rockport so that I could see him again. I got the call that morning that he had already gone to meet Jesus.

          On the 4th I had spent my last night at their house while he was still there. Instead of him coming to my room to cut off the light and tell me, “I love you and good night” as he always had anytime I spent the night there before, I went to his room. I pulled up his covers, I told him I loved him, as I kissed him on the cheek goodnight and turned out his light for him. The next morning we had breakfast together, which was his last meal out in the kitchen at his place at the table. Then he went back to his bed. I had to leave to go to an organic chemistry class in College Station that morning. I hated leaving knowing my time with him was running out very fast and I wanted all I could get. I went to his room and talked to him, I hoped it wasn't the last time, I told him I would come by in a couple days on my way to Rockport. We told each other I love you, and as I left he smiled and waved at me and said “See You.”

          While I was on my 30 day silent retreat this last March I had a special moment with Papa that I would like to share. The day Fr. Ostini SJ had me reflect on the resurrection of Christ, was the day Fr. Rolland Lesseps SJ, one of the Jesuit priests in residence at St. Charles, passed away. So even though I was in silence I could sense everyone was a little bit down. One person in particular who caught my attention was a novice, Evan, who was usually very upbeat and smiling and even greeting me everywhere though I was in silence. That morning when I saw him in the commons he was laid up on the couch just staring off and didn’t even acknowledge I had walked past him.

          I on the other hand was in high spirits reflecting on the resurrection finally, after having spent days with Jesus in His suffering and death on the cross. I had even offered up and abstained from everything I enjoyed during those days, swinging, favorite places, cookies, music, etc. Anything I had some control over that gave me joy, I refrained from it. That morning I allowed myself to enjoy everything to the full. I went and swung on my favorite swing, I enjoyed the trees, tea, cookies, music and even decided to go up in the balcony of the chapel and play on the piano.

          I didn’t want anyone to know I was there so planned on just turning the volume almost all the way down. Well that chapel makes all sorts of noises when you open the doors, when the wind blows and all. I was down behind the organ trying to plug in the piano when I heard someone come through the balcony door on the opposite side of the organ from me. I decided I better stand up and let them know I was there too instead of being creepy. Well I stood up pretty fast and basically scared the socks off of Evan which in turn made me jump too. He said he thought he heard someone messing with the sound system and wanted to check it out. I got worried I was not being as discreet as I thought I had been. He asked if I was good before he was turning to head out and I said yeah I’m good I’m praying with the resurrection today so I’m very good!

          Evan stopped and sat down saying that was wonderful and could tell he was fondly remembering when he too reached that point in his own exercises. He asked me to play something on the piano. I was shy, but I attempted Hail Mary Gentle Woman. He said thank you, I needed that, I needed to be reminded of the resurrection too. He said he had been down about Fr. Rolland’s death all morning. He said Fr. Rolland at this point over the last few weeks, couldn’t talk, just grunted. Evan still knew he was a great guy and was sad about this, his 2nd death of a priest while he had been in Grand Coteau. He continued saying he had not even been thinking about the resurrection, just hung up on death, so he needed this. I said I think it is harder at our age to accept death so freely. He said a lot of the older guys are so ready and some even envious of their brothers when they pass. We talked a bit more about death and resurrection and how I was “celebrating.” As the conversation got lighter, I had to tell him I was disappointed someone put the raisin cookies in the chocolate chip labeled section of the cabinet. He had noticed this too and agreed it was an awful thing. I then told him how my grandpa, Papa, called raisins bugs. I remember when I was little he would say he had bugs in his cereal. We had a good laugh and he thanked me for sharing some of my resurrection joy with him even if it meant breaking silence. He headed back out of the balcony to finish his rosary and I followed as it was as well time to go to lunch. He said “See You” and I replied the same. I thought yeah see you, but I shouldn’t be talking! It was fine. I decided it was all part of Jesus’ consolations in the resurrection and they were meant to be shared.

          Later as I was getting ready for my next prayer exercise I thought about Evan saying “see you” and recalled those were Papa’s last words to me. I thought it was neat, but didn’t think too much of it. I instead reflected on what Evan had said about Fr. Rolland and how he was so down about his death even though he really didn’t know him well, as he couldn’t communicate in his last days. I wondered about how that could be. I thought about the sadness of death and it occurred to me that maybe part of that great sadness is that in death we lose a place (person) where we once encountered the love and goodness of Jesus. These are two things that do not require words to express and communicate to one another. I imagined Evan, in his role of visiting with and caring for the elderly Jesuits, had to have spent time with Fr. Rolland at some point and even if they could not communicate, or go on walks, they were present to each other. Just being present goes a long way. I think Jesus in them reached out to both of them, loving them, just in their presence with each other. As I said, words are not a necessity to know the goodness and love of Jesus in a person. Jesus’ love reaches us through others in a very real way. This is something important to keep in mind especially when it seems like "almost nothing is left" of a person whether due to injury or illness or some other condition or the nearness of their death. Maybe all they can do is look or smile or maybe not even that at all, but Jesus is still in them. His good purpose is still being fulfilled in them. Being in their presence we can still give and receive His love. So when death comes, we lose that place, or person, Jesus touched us through. I even want to compare it to Good Friday and the distinct empty feeling of the church as the Blessed Sacrament is not in the tabernacle. It feels like there is a void just as the death of someone who exuded Jesus’ love to us to the end, leaves a void.

          It is important to remember Jesus’ presence in us on Good Friday is not gone. When we experience the loss of anyone who dies, that love and goodness of Jesus remains with us and all who were loved by that person, all who that person brought Jesus to. That love continues to affect us all the days of our life. The love and goodness of Jesus is never lost.

          When I finally go to my reflection on the passage for my exercise, John 20:11-18, Mary’s deep loss stood out. It was kind of like she was experiencing loss of Jesus twice as she witnessed His suffering and death and then now His body was gone from the tomb. She is so consumed with her grief that she does not at first recognize Jesus present with her. Even the angels do not seem to startle her as she is so caught up in great sorrow and weeping. The angels and Jesus point that out in asking her why she is weeping.

          I thought about how this is a pretty common thing for people when tragedy hits us. We can get so caught up in and overwhelmed by grief that we lose our awareness of Jesus with us. We do not see God in what happened, or in how we feel, and may even get angry at or feel forsaken by God. We do not see His love and goodness even though He has never left us. Jesus is there desiring to console us as He did Mary. He calls her by name which I thought was special. To call one by name says, “I know you and you know me.” “I have called you by name, you are mine.” She then is able to see Jesus there resurrected with her. He consoles her, tells her what it meant to have her presence, tells her it was worth it for her. Then He explains what He is doing and where and to whom He is going. This as well was consoling for her as she did not want to lose Him again. He also says, “Don’t hold on to me.”

          I may have taken this out of context, but when thinking about these words of Jesus and Mary’s earlier grief, my own grief over people close to me who have died, came to mind. I still pray for them and their souls and trust them in the loving and merciful hands of Jesus. These are individuals who I have “hung on to” though in grief and concern for their souls, desiring them to be in Heaven. At this moment being so far from home I began really missing them. I wondered why I can’t see them resurrected. I wanted to see them. I prayed and Jesus consoled me and gave me a lot of peace.

          I began to really miss Papa in particular though and the grief I had experienced when he died was made present again. In my tears I told Jesus it would be nice to have some sign or indication that he is okay. There were two cardinals chirping loudly outside the grotto where I was praying. I know people often say they represent a loved one from Heaven being near. I smiled wondering if that was true. I thought about Papa more and wished for something more concrete and telling. I said Jesus it would be really consoling to just see him resurrected. It would be neat to see him even for a second. I paused and waited. I thought, a little less seriously now, but half hoping too, Jesus it would be pretty neat if I saw him in that dining hall later when I go in to supper. I imagined him sitting and conversing with the old Jesuits, he would fit right in. All of a sudden Evan’s “see you” came to my mind. Those were Papa’s last words. I cried now at the memory of it. I miss him so much. This also gave me a great peace and calm too in the tears and the birds were even quiet now. I thought about how I had told Evan about the raisin memory of Papa earlier that day just before he left me with, “see you.” Who knows, maybe that “see you” was a little wink from Papa. More importantly maybe Jesus wanted me to reflect on those words, “see you.” They are not a good bye. They point to the reality of the resurrection. They are resurrection words, and words of hope. I will see Papa again one day in the resurrection. I will see Jesus too.

          Jesus in His suffering and death on the cross saw me and all of us and said, “You are worth it, all of this.” He did this so that our souls may be joyfully received in full communion of love with Him in the resurrection. He received Fr. Rolland, and has received my grandpa, “rejoicing exceedingly with great joy.” Death is not the end, Jesus has the final word and His word, His love remains. While we naturally feel the pain of loss when someone we love dies, we have to keep looking forward to the resurrection with hope and joy where we will all see each other with Jesus again. We have to remain aware that Jesus' love and goodness and good purpose for us remains. We are not forgotten and we never lose Jesus. He is with us desiring to console us. Perhaps that “See you” is as well from Jesus saying, "even though you have lost a person, you do not lose my love that you both shared, you will still see me, my love and goodness remains on in you and in all things."

A Hidden Life

Jesus said to the Twelve: “Fear no one.
Nothing is concealed that will not be revealed,
nor secret that will not be known.
What I say to you in the darkness, speak in the light;
what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.
And do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul;
rather, be afraid of the one who can destroy
both soul and body in Gehenna.
Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin?
Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s knowledge.
Even all the hairs of your head are counted.
So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Everyone who acknowledges me before others
I will acknowledge before my heavenly Father.
But whoever denies me before others,
I will deny before my heavenly Father.”  Matthew 10:26-33

           This was the gospel reading from last Sunday. Last Saturday I had came upon A Hidden Place in the Redbox. By the way this blog post is not a movie review, it is mostly a compilation of thoughts I have had over the week after watching it. Also, do I need to give a "spoiler alert" as it is based on true events? I don't really think so, but consider that your alert if you need one. So anyhow, I didn’t know a whole lot about this movie before seeing it. I had seen the trailer some time ago so knew that it was set in WWII, and I was intrigued as I vaguely gathered the couple must have endured some kind of suffering and their apparent love had to have played a big role in their survival. The movie was entirely beautiful and powerful. The next morning at mass as I listened to each of the readings I realized Bl. Franz Jägerstätter's life, very much reflected the direct and challenging message God has for us in boldly following Him. I ended up keeping it an extra day to watch it again, with subtitles, so that I would not miss any of what was said and reflected further. I highly recommend you to see this movie as well, especially now when we have more time and we definitely need inspiration and encouragement to continue living for Christ through and in all things. This movie is not meant to entertain rather it is contemplative, it will make you think, & it will move you and inspire you.

           This movie is inspired by the true events of the life of Bl. Franz Jägerstätter, who was a conscientious objector, and his wife Fanny, (Franziska) in St. Radegund, Austria during the Anschluss. Franz and Fanny were two ordinary hardworking farmers who lived a simple life in their rural community. From what I’ve looked into it sounds like the director, Terrence Malick, did a good job of staying true to the characters and the story. The scenes of their homeland are breathtaking. Those who live in a rural place as Franz and Fanny did, know the blessing it is, the quiet, the space, the natural beauty and the somewhat immunity from what is going on outside. I think of for example with the covid lock down, I gained a whole new appreciation for rural life. I spent part of it with the Jesuits on the edge of the tiny rural community of Grand Coteau and that rural haven continued on when I got home. In both places I had the luxury of the space for long walks, bike rides, and to just enjoy the outdoors. I know this is not the case for everyone at present so I really am grateful. Of course Franz and Fanny were very much aware of what was going on outside their home too with the war and the rise of Hitler, and slowly it did come to touch and affect their community. There is a scene when Fanny looks up, concerned, hearing a plane flying over reminding her of what is going on outside in the world. It cannot be ignored there is no place to hide and eventually they would have to face it. They couldn’t go back or pretend things weren’t happening. 

           In our own rural county eventually covid spread, and now we know personally one or more people who have had it. The regulations for safety are being enforced more stringently. Our lives have  been turned over as we try and figure out how to live in this “new normal” causing much frustration and worry understandably. I hear often “I can’t wait to go back to normal” or “until we can go back to the way things were this is how it will be.” I’m afraid many are actually waiting and hoping for this, that we will go back. Do we really have the freedom to do that? Do we have the time to do that? Do we really want to go back to exactly the way things were before? The future is unknown, we do not know how long this will all last, we do not know what is to come, it could be better or it could be worse. In this time of uncertainty and frustration who are we leaning on, what and who are we allowing to guide us through all of the unknown? Is it the news channels? Is it the politics, opinions, and covid updates in a Facebook or Twitter news feed? 

           It is God who holds us yet we have continued to try and control and provide for ourselves to make things as we think they should be. As the gospel above states, “do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.” Our Father in Heaven sees you, all of us. His goodness dwells in each and every one of us and He has a good purpose for our lives and He is working that every moment whether we are ever aware of that or not. He created us to live and make present His love here. We do have more freedom than we realize, we have the freedom to keep living in the present as best we can as God asks us too in all our thoughts, words and actions. We have the freedom to be aware of Him and allow Him to work in and through us. We must choose to lean on and rely on Our Good Father for guidance in these uncertain times. If we're unsure what this means we must start with truly committing ourselves to prayer, listen to God's word in the scriptures, and let go and be lead by that. Don't wait for what we once knew as normal to return, to start living. The world is constantly changing and life moves by and our time here on earth slips away every moment. "Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?" Luke 12:25.

           Bl. Franz and Fanny in the midst of WWII Austria, chose to lean entirely on their faith and devotion to Christ to guide them forward during their own trying times. In the movie we see what an ordinary simple life, lived centered on and guided by Christ looks like. Something that struck me was the grand beauty and simplicity of the life of Franz and Fanny Jägerstätter. As I said they were hard working farmers so naturally they already relied heavily on God's providence in their daily lives. They also loved each other “out loud.” In a video interview I watched about the movie it was said that Franz and Fanny in real life were very outwardly affectionate with each other and their daughters which wasn’t something typical for couples at the time. I thought it was incredible and the movie spent a lot of time showing this pure love they had. It almost seemed unreal, unbelievable at first. I wonder if that’s because perhaps in our society that has been somewhat lost in the rush and business of life as we've way over-complicated things. I’m so glad the movie spent so much time showing this especially in a time when divorce rates are higher than lasting marriages. I of course do not know what it is like to be married, but the glimpse I got of what Franz and Fanny had, that is what I would want. It is what all of us hopefully would seek in that sacred sacrament, to be with someone who loves Christ more than you and lives out of the reality of that love. The love of Christ should freely be allowed to permeate every aspect of the relationship. Franz and Fanny had that kind communion with Christ and in turn with each other. Their pure affection spoke “I love you” all the time, but not always with words, through service, touch, smiles, sharing life in work, in rest, in recreation and all.

           Another thing that struck me was their great faith and devotion to the Catholic Church. I read elsewhere that Bl. Franz had been much different before he met and fell in love with and married Fanny. He had been wild and unruly and even had fathered a child out of wedlock. His conversion came with his marriage to Fanny. They went on a pilgrimage to Rome soon after they were married and he fell into deep love and devotion for Christ and His Church. This is what your vocation does (or should do when we cooperate with God’s grace in it), it draws you out and you are lead to become more the person God created you to be. It gives you new life. Bl. Franz was so changed that his wife Fanny was even "blamed" for his ultimate decision to object supporting Hitler and this unjust war. Throughout the movie symbols of faith and sacramentals were seen everywhere. I loved seeing the images of Jesus and Mary throughout their farmhouse. They were simple reminders to them of God’s presence consistently with them. Most importantly their faith was shown in how they lived, in their words, in prayers, in how they treated one another and raised their family. I was impressed with Bl. Franz how he sought counsel from his pastor and even the local bishop. Unfortunately, ensnared by fear of the present political powers, their counsel fell very short. But there were other religious at the time who had more fortitude and suffered for it whose stories gave hope to Bl. Franz and their witness guided him in his decision. Bl. Franz and Fanny continued to pray and trust God and with great fortitude stayed true to what their faith clearly told them was right. They loved and supported each other and encouraged each other despite being ridiculed and persecuted by everyone else around them even those in their own church.

           The movie has been on my mind all week and this Sunday's gospel just took my reflection further. 

“whoever does not take up his cross
and follow after me is not worthy of me.
Whoever finds his life will lose it,
and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Mt. 10:38&39

           I saw this plainly with Bl. Franz. This cross was forced upon him by people falling into sin and was beyond his control. He was able to avoid it for some time as he was needed as a farmer at home. His own community though added to the burden, insulting and ridiculing and shunning him and his family for not going along and making an oath to Hitler and the Nazi party. Rather than trying to save face he remained steady and continued to object to what he knew was evil. Eventually he got called up again and this cross was no longer avoidable. He still had a choice. “If God gives us free will we are responsible for what we do….and what we fail to do.” – Franz. He went and with great fortitude quietly refused to make the oath to Hitler with the rest of those enlisted that day and so was sent immediately to prison.

           While I was on retreat in March and was reflecting on Jesus taking up and carrying His own cross. I got hung up on Simon who carried the cross with Jesus. As I reflected and used my imagination getting into the scene and the reality of what was going on, I realized okay he likely did not readily embrace the cross, naturally he wouldn’t want to be associated with “a criminal” he likely feared the soldiers knowing what they were capable of. Or, or perhaps he did know what they were doing to Jesus was unjust and wanted no part in "helping" get Jesus to His cruel and ignominious death. He would have understandably been repulsed by what he was being forced to do either way. I thought of crosses in my life and how I have struggled to accept and carry them, how I’ve tended to try to avoid them and go about not living any differently refusing at first to see what God would have me do with them. Eventually I have come around to His grace. When I discussed this with my director, Fr. Ostini, he taught me something very important. He said Christ Himself was repulsed naturally by the Cross. He asked that this cup be taken from him, but ultimately freely desired His Father’s will be done and not His own. Fr. Ostini said many times crosses are put on us by others, by their mistakes or sins against us. So we should be repulsed by these crosses and not run to them, but rather try and avoid them if possible. When we find that they are upon us and cannot be avoided then we get to decide what we do with it. We can be burdened by it, letting it keep us from Christ, or we can freely choose to unite it with Christ and seek His will for how to carry it and follow Him. The cross was forced on Simon, but he still had free will in how he carried it. He could have fought it, or begrudgingly gone along and even in some way made it harder on Jesus, but he is remembered positively in the Gospels. I imagine he chose to allow the grace of Jesus' passion to change his heart to one of true compassion as he was that close to Jesus carrying The Cross. 

           Bl. Franz knew he had freedom and made a choice in how he would carry the cross forced upon him. He turned and handed his life completely over to the loving hands of Jesus. This line he says in the movie describes that, “When you give up the idea of surviving at any price, a new light floods in. Once you were in a rush always short of time, now you have all you need. Once you never forgave anyone, judged people without mercy. Now you see your own weakness so you can understand the weakness of others.” To me this is spiritual freedom and describes what happens when one “loses their life” for Christ and ends up finding true life in Him. The movie showed how this reality played out in Bl. Franz's life in prison. He prayed constantly, he had compassion for his fellow inmates, he saw them, he let go and didn't hold judgement towards those who chose to go along with the Nazis. You can refuse to condone something without judging or condemning a person and he showed how that is possible. Seeing this play out in the movie I was reminded of Christ and His infinite mercy on all, how He died for all asking for forgiveness on even those who were directly persecuting Him. This changed my perspective on present times. I had been complaining, and frustrated with the challenges we all are facing and have been back and forth about everything. I have been frustrated because the things I desire seem further from my grasp in covid world. I have so much I want to give and be present for. I wanted to celebrate the recent ordinations. I want to be able to celebrate church picnics, weddings and new babies with friends. I want to visit people and places. I want a job that gives me independence. I want to be living out a particular vocation. After this movie I wondered what am I doing? Am I living or am I just sitting here complaining? Who am I living for? Am I leaning on Christ or trying to make my own way through all of this? Yes there are a ton of restrictions, but will I let that keep me from fully living the life Christ is asking me to in the present? When we give up trying to cling to our own life. and place it all in Christ's hands, just living to the full as He would have us do in every ordinary moment, we become free of the rush, worry and time. We may naturally be disappointed or concerned with what we can or cannot do or with the unknown of what is to come, but there is no need to be burdened by it. We must seek to be spiritually free as we share this all with Christ. We can rest in knowing we are giving our best to Jesus in every present moment as we let Him guide our thoughts, words and actions.    

             A great sense of gratitude overcame me with this. No I can’t see people I would like, but am thankful for time for phone conversations and texts. I’m thankful we can send and share pictures and video of things we can’t all attend. I'm thankful for friends who reached out and gave me a job at Splashway. I'm thankful for the people I get to help and work with every day. I’m thankful to be at home with my parents with the land to walk around and enjoy nature. I'm thankful that I didn't have a regular job over this last year and I had so much time with my niece Aubrey. I'm thankful I had the freedom to make the 30 day spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius this spring. I am thankful Fr. Ostini kept me there in Grand Coteau with him to finish instead of sending me home when things got worse. I’m thankful for more time now to think and pray. I'm thankful for the scriptures and so much more. There are a lot of regulations for attending mass, but I’m so entirely grateful I can still go and receive Jesus daily even if I must wear a mask. The Eucharist is life! At mass yesterday when we had to wear our masks, Romans 8 came to mind (in song form), but here are the scripture verses;

"What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword? As it is written: For your sake we are being slain all the day; we are looked upon as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39          

           Towards the end of the movie, after Bl. Franz was given his death sentence, his wife Fanny came to visit him in Berlin. Everyone was trying to convince Franz yet again to just change his mind, to just make the oath, to save his life for the sake of his family. Fanny told him, “no matter what I am with you, do what is right, I love you.” This love and encouragement from her gave Bl. Franz an even greater freedom and courage to do what is right. Having the one you love, who loves you supporting you as hard as the situation is goes a long way. She made me think of the Blessed Mother and her constant love and support for her Son Jesus. She supported and loved Him even to the foot of the cross desiring Him to do the greatest good, to do God's will. Can we even fathom what that had to have meant to Christ having His mother there with Him all the way to Calvary? Fanny then kept Franz in her prayers which we hear as he endures his final days in prison before the end. She tells God, “you love him more than I do, give him courage, wisdom and strength.” This is true love wishing the greatest good for another, wishing God’s good for another no matter how difficult it is.

              The growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs. -George Eliot (end quote of the movie) 
  

           All throughout the movie the message was reiterated to Bl. Franz that his choice, this one small act of objection to injustice would not make a difference, that no one would know of him beyond his death. There was a message written in German (sprechen verboten) on the prison walls that translated to, “talking forbidden,” which was further desolation in a sense telling Bl. Franz that he was not free that he could do nothing, change nothing, and make no difference. However he knew he was master of his own will and that meant something. He freely chose to bind his heart and soul, his own will to Christ’s will. Now today we see what great grace and blessings has come of his life and his choice to not offend God at all costs. His story is known, it is not hidden and cannot be hidden. He is a martyr and has been beatified by the church. He has inspired countless souls leading them to choose to die to themselves for Christ. We're all called and able by God's grace to live heroic holiness in our own every day ordinary lives. I encourage you to seek this especially now. Foster a greater sense of gratitude by finding the good God has worked and is working for you in all things. Seek to see Christ in all things, all situations and in all people. Freely choose to live as He asks you to in every thought, word and deed. The crosses in your life, pain, suffering and death do not have the final word! This is the victory we're all capable of, made possible by Christ's own overcoming of death on the cross with His Resurrection! 

For if by the transgression of the one the many died,

how much more did the grace of God
and the gracious gift of the one man Jesus Christ
overflow for the many. Romans 5:15





To read more about Bl. Franz Jägerstätter I recommend this blog post.

https://johnpwalshblog.com/2017/10/26/blessed-franz-jagerstatter-1907-1943-farmer-husband-and-father-conscientious-objector-and-martyr/


Here is the trailer for the movie. 

A Tribute to the Sacred Heart Graduating Class of 2020

         

 
           I think many of us have had the most disappointing experience of biting into what you have anticipated as a scrumptious, warm and gooey chocolate chip cookie only to discover it is in fact a raisin cookie. When I was on retreat back in March something I looked forward to every evening was having a big homemade chocolate chip cookie heated in the microwave for 12 seconds so that it had that “fresh baked” feel. One evening after a really great day full of God’s consolations and blessings I did just so and took my cookie out to a swing to enjoy. However in that first bite I realized with great dejection that I had in fact grabbed a raisin cookie as it had been placed in the chocolate chip tray when those cookies had run out. Raisin cookies are not the worst, but raisins are weird when they are heated up, and not nearly as satisfying as a good gooey chocolate chip cookie would have been, but I still had a fantastic evening in the swing even with a raisin cookie.

Seniors of 2020, someone filled your tray with raisin cookies at the end of this year instead of chocolate chip.

           You already know what all this raisin cookie entailed at the end of your school year and how unsatisfying it tastes. It is entirely understandable for you to be frustrated by it. The vision you had for this year, what you’ve dreamed about for who knows how long was all swept away. You've had to figure out a "new normal" and adapt. Being the first to do something different that no one has ever done before is a huge challenge, but can also be a most satisfying challenge when accomplished. Thi is something we've all had to take on in our own ways over the last few months. By now someone has probably told you, look at the bright side, or even “God will never give you more than you can handle.” Or something along those lines. This Facebook post I saw once came to mind when thinking about y’all.

           That top line is a half truth. The only reason we can handle and endure the challenges and trials we face is because God is with us in them. These experiences remind us that we’re not in control and that we must grow in greater dependence on God. This truth has been instilled in you through your families, the school, and the Church. We have two choices, we can despair that we didn’t get our chocolate chip cookie, or we can make the best of the raisin cookie. You are a class capable of making the best of a raisin cookie!

           I have been daily inspired over the last month reading your individual posts on the Sacred Heart Facebook page. It is clear y'all have been learning and making the best of the raisin cookie. You guys will not have to be told twice to appreciate what you have. This was a lesson you all had to learn now in a difficult way. I noticed when reading your advice for the underclassmen most of you told them not to take anything for granted as nothing is guaranteed. It is true, all we have is the present moment to live our best in. I think the greatest take away from this experience is what you each have expressed which can be summed up as a greater attitude of gratitude.

           This greater attitude of gratitude gives us all true spiritual freedom and that is entirely refreshing to live in. In this we recognize that all the good that we have is from Him. We are entirely in debt to Him, and all that He asks in return is that we freely share everything in our life with Him, good and bad. As we contemplate all the great good to be thankful for from God we see that He is in all things. He is in all of creation and most especially in each and every person. His goodness dwells in all people! Now how we cooperate with that goodness is entirely up to us. When we think further on that, on His presence in all good things and in all people we realize that He is actively laboring in love for us in every moment in all good things! This is something we often take for granted and are not aware of, but realizing this we become overwhelmed seeing just how much God really loves us. And finally as all of this is true then we see that any good that we do, any virtue we possess originates in God’s goodness in us as He created us for His good purpose that we may know His love and that others may know His love through us. I encourage you all to keep living out of these “attitude of gratitude” that has come up in you from this experience. Daily live your best. Daily love to your fullest. See God's good in all things especially in all people you encounter. Daily be aware of Christ in you and with you in all the ordinary and extraordinary things that will come in your life, and live out of that great good!

           In this past Sunday's 2nd reading, St. Peter perfectly summed up what that looks like for a Christian especially in a time of trial as this.

"Beloved: Sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope, but do it with gentleness and reverence, keeping your conscience clear, so that, when you are maligned, those who defame your good conduct in Christ may themselves be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that be the will of God, than for doing evil. For Christ also suffered for sins once, the righteous for the sake of the unrighteous, that he might lead you to God. Put to death in the flesh, he was brought to life in the Spirit."  1Peter 3:15-18

           Even in suffering, challenges, and when things just do not go your way, this lesson you must always remember. Monsignor John said it well in his homily for y'all Friday, when he said this experience will make you stronger. Fr. Scott in his homily this past weekend reminded us of the true meaning of hope, the reason for our hope, and your reason for hope amidst everything you endure. JESUS is the reason for your hope. He is the reason for your joy in all things, for your strength, and your resilience. He is the reason you can go forward with peace, grace and confidence. You do this by remaining rooted in Christ in prayer which is another comment from one of you that stood out, "God always has a plan for you. You just have to pray about it and God will lead you down the right path." This is so true! Keep praying and living in that truth of His good plan for you! Keep praying with great gratitude in all things as Jesus is with you and loving you in all good things! He will never forget you, you are not here by chance nor are you enduring this “raisin cookie” by chance. Jesus consistently wills your greatest good and has a good purpose for each of you in His divine plan of love for all.

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           Sacred Heart class of 2020, you are all particularly special to me. Your class was in pre-k when I was a senior at Sacred Heart. In May of 2007 you graduated from pre-k as I was graduating from high school. In our drive around video I can see you standing along the fence of the pre-k play yard waiting for us to go around. Maybe y’all were just excited by the crazy parade of vehicles, but perhaps some of you were already dreaming of the day you would get to do that when you got to be “big kids.” This year it is your turn and though we no longer have the drive around tradition, you rode your last block around the school on fire trucks. I was glad to be at that last school mass you had on Friday and to attend your graduation yesterday evening and even thought about how some of you had likely been at mine as you're related to several of my classmates. It was a joy to see you all taking on the "new normal" in stride, at social distance and in your blue masks. Those blue masks could not hide your smiles!  

SHS Pre-K 06-07

SHS Seniors 06-07

           More than this, class of 2020, you mean a lot to me because you were my first class as a teacher at Sacred Heart. In 2014 y’all were in 7th grade and became my first religion class in my first experience as a teacher. The next year you became my first 8th grade integrated physics and chemistry class. Then when you were in 10th grade y’all became my first high school biology class. I know I faced many challenges being a first time teacher, and with that, as students y’all faced many challenges with me in my inexperience. I worried a lot in those “three first years” with y'all as I really cared and wanted to give you a quality lesson daily. Since those were my first years with those courses it was a lot of work daily planning those lessons from scratch. Naturally I made a lot of first timer mistakes. Naturally we all got frustrated sometimes with this because when you are doing something for the first time around it happens more often than not. I remarked to someone before that I wished I could have had y’all as a “2nd year class” when I had things more figured out. But honestly those "2nd years" were all the better because I was challenged by y'all and learned so much from teaching your unique class. I learned what worked and what could be done better and what should just be forgotten. The best blessings of God mold and shape us to be better people and better followers of Him. I grew a lot in those years teaching y'all. God knew what He was doing when He gave me your class as my first. He took care of all of us and He filled any gaps. We survived and hopefully learned something too! 

         Teaching you was a great and entirely unexpected blessing! Though it was challenging we had some pretty unique fun times along the way too. Thank you girls for singing the songs at Coronation I made for y'all, those made me so proud! Thank y'all for appreciating the memes on the door and on my tests. Taking the field trip to the Aquarium was a blast and it gave me joy seeing all of your joy over all the fishes and even the squid dissection. I think my favorite memory though with y'all was the snow day when there was no way I could keep y'all in a classroom nor even try to teach knowing the beauty God had poured out for us to enjoy that morning. So we all went out to play in it for both periods of biology and enjoyed it to the full! It was miraculous and that memory will last beyond anything I could have taught that day. I know I learned that day the value in being present and enjoying what you have while you can.

           Seniors of 2020, you are a class of strong, independent and resilient individuals. If you really think about it, each of you in your life has already been dealt some difficult challenges that you’ve learned to thrive from, not merely survive. God has given you so much good grace in all those things that greatly over shines the tough parts of your past. You are capable of handling more than you realize and I pray that you see that. Don’t ever doubt that in yourself. There are a lot of things I appreciated in each one of you. So to close this chapter, I want to high light those things and give you a simple gift of affirmation of Jesus’ good that I see in each of you as you go forward.

• † Karlye I admire your dedication. You are a very dedicated in everything that you do and that dedication goes a long way. Most apparently everyone sees how dedicated you are in athletics, but I more so saw your dedication in the classroom. You took time and put in the effort to get things accomplished. You never slacked, always worked really hard, and it certainly paid off. This trait in you will certainly take you far in life no matter what you face. This reflects Christ own dedication to His Father in His dedication for the salvation of the Church.
• † Dalton I appreciate how down to earth and realistic and honest you are. You are good at seeing things for what they are and not afraid to speak your mind or even to say what everyone else was thinking. That is a trait that goes unappreciated as a lot of times the truth is hard to hear. Keep seeking and speaking truth. This is certainly a Christ-like quality as time after time He both called out those who were being inauthentic and even more so brought attention to the true good He saw in people.
• † Carly I am impressed by how you are extremely genuine and authentic in all ways. You were quiet in class, but I saw in you someone who was always real in all things, in your words and deeds, with your friends, with academics, and with sports. One thing that attracted so many to Christ was His genuineness. You give God glory in just freely living fully as the daughter He created in you!
• † Shelby, I admire the pride you take in yourself and in all you do. You always give the best of yourself. When a person takes time to give their best in even the ordinary things that really shows how much they care. Especially for others you give your best and that says to others “you’re worth it.” That goes a long way! Jesus is this way with us, always giving the best of Himself.
• † John I’m not sure I appreciated your generosity enough until you were no longer my student & I apologize for that. It really is nice to have someone in a class who is bright and understands and at the same time wants to help his fellow classmates understand too. You could have just gone and done your own thing after finishing your work, but you were always willing to answer questions and help others out. I know that didn’t always go appreciated and in that you can really identify with the kind of generous service Jesus did for others. When we share our gifts to help others as you always did we give God great glory.
• † Brett your love for all people is amazing. You are definitely a girl with her heart on her sleeve and most compassionate. You genuinely care for each person’s good in your life more than anything. You see people and no one who is blesssed to be known by you, goes forgotten. I often thought, if I gave Brett an assignment that had to do with knowing people she would beyond ace it. That is actually a very commendable thing, not all of us could do that as many of us fail to be present to others as we get caught up in our own lives. You are present to people and take time to know them and know Jesus in them. You see others' good in them no matter who they are just as Jesus sees good in all of us. You already know this great love you have for others in you originates in Jesus and thus you rely on Him in all things.
• † Derrick thank you for always being so even-keeled no matter how a lesson was going. Nothing ever seemed to throw you off, you always just calmly worked through whatever you were faced with. We could all learn a thing or two from you about living this way as many things that upset most in life aren’t worth getting upset over. We see this in Christ in how no matter what adversity He faced He remained steadfast to the will of His Father and kept going.
• † Nolan I see in you someone who when it comes down to it is sincere in his work towards your goals, you are sincere with your friends and with your family. This sincerity says a lot about you and says a lot to others who experience that from being around you. I certainly appreciated it! Another trait that really attracted others to Jesus was the sincerity with which He spoke and in the way He treated people.
• † Ella you are a joy as you are always a trustworthy and truly great leader and example for everyone. I overheard you on more than one occasion stick up for a fellow class mate or even a staff member when speaking good about them wasn’t the current popular opinion. I was struck by your courage in that. It is amazing you have the ability to see that good in others when many may over look it or dismiss it. You have countless Christ-like qualities in you as you truly do live out of the goodness of Jesus that dwells in your heart as it does in every person’s heart. You are most cooperative with that goodness and live in a way that shows you honestly desire only choosing the good that God desires for you and everyone.
• † Elise I am inspired by your courage to try new things while at the same time to remaining true to who you are and your good principals. You are one who is not afraid to go outside of the box and make your own path. Christ was this way, He lived against the norms of His day, but never faltered in staying true to Who He was and His good mission with authentic joy. You give God a lot of glory in this as all good things are His gift to us meant to be enjoyed.
• † Savannah, especially as a teacher, I really appreciated your self-confidence. Being as involved as you have been means juggling a lot on your plate which I’m sure got overwhelming. You know how to push through to get where you need to be and not fall behind. And even better you never fail to share this confidence with others to help them out too. One of the best truths that we can rest in is knowing Jesus’ great confidence in us and our ability to do good things! He created each of us with a purpose to take part in His mission. Life will throw all sorts of things in our path and will be overwhelming at times. You’re one though that has what it takes to handle it in confidence as you know you can fully rely on Jesus’ own confidence in you!
• † Blake R., thank you for your goofy humor! Comic relief is needed every now and then and you reminded me of the importance to not take oneself too seriously. What I like about you is that you do work hard and know what you need to do when faced with challenges to get a task done. When things happen, mistakes made, stuff isn’t going your way etc. you don’t get down or hard on yourself. Instead, you are able to laugh, even at yourself, pick up and keep going. That’s what Jesus asks of us, never to sweat the little things, or beat ourselves up over mistakes. He calls us to just pick up and keep following Him and to do so with joy.
• † Teagan your joy in all the little things gave me joy as a teacher. Whether it was receiving a sticker on a test or pulling apart a squid you did not hold back any enthusiasm or joy which made the rest of us hopefully appreciate those small things a little more as your joy was catching! Jesus delights in us and in our enjoyment of His creation. A priest once told me, you won’t find God if you can’t see Him and enjoy Him in the ordinary things of life. I pray that even in the toughest times you will continue to find joy in every constant little blessing of Jesus in your life.
• † Ryan S. I only had you one year as a student and you fit right in this mix of personalities in a quiet, humble and kind way. You are responsible and self-driven and I appreciate that example you set for your classmates. Thank you for being so Christ like in this way, living in true humility and treating all you meet with true kindness. These are traits greatly needed and through which others will encounter Christ in you. 
• † Jacob I admire your unfaltering loyalty. When I first met you I saw this with your loyalty to your favorite sports teams. As you grew and as I got to know you more I saw that this loyalty carries over to all other aspects in your life, your faith, your friends and most especially your family. That is a special trait you have to stay true, faithful, and devoted to those who are most important to you. These people closest to you get a little taste of Jesus’ own devoted heart through your loyalty.
• † Conner I have to say it was fun getting to witness the young man, who the little toddler I once took care of, had become. I appreciated in you, your unique insights and ways of looking at things. Thanks for always sharing with everyone a different perspective we hadn’t thought of before. This is definitely a Christ-like trait as He in fulfilling the old law give us a new way of understanding it and living it. This way of thinking will make many things to come all that much more possible for you in your future and be a light to many.
• † Blake S., I appreciated greatly your focus as a student. You seemed to have that mindset that “this is my job right now and I’m going to do it well.” When you came into class you came in with a purpose, to put forth your best and learn something. You always stayed on task and took care to make sure you got things right until you completed the work. And then you beyond that you were always respectful of everyone else trying to learn too. This great focus you have on your goals reflects the focus Jesus had in His mission. Though He was tempted He never let Himself fall and get distracted by the world and constantly worked to accomplish what He set out to do in saving us.
• † Josh I thank you for always being respectful to me and all your classmates and keeping a positive attitude. You treat everyone with great dignity, seeking to only do what is best for others over yourself, and that means a whole lot as it certainly mirrors the dignity with which Jesus treated all people in His time and calls us to continue to do so.
• † Ryan M., I see in you someone with a good sense of easy going independence. It takes a lot of trust to have that and I think you’ve gained that from the tight-knit loving family you are a part of. Ultimately Christ shows us independence comes from fully relying on God in all things. He created us to depend on God, but to do so within a good community, a family. We see in Jesus that independence doesn’t come from being self-sustaining. He kept Himself surrounded by His closest friends and family. He had a support network as your own family is for you. Stay rooted in your family and most importantly in Christ!
• † Jodie you have a beautiful imagination and creativity and always give your best to make even something ordinary into something stunning. It really showed especially when we did projects in biology. Though I only had you for a year I truly enjoyed the unique way that you made things interesting! I also admire in you, your openness and sincerity in getting to know people and befriend anyone. You treated everyone with kindness and understanding no matter what. These qualities in you reflect God’s own creativity. Our Lord is not boring! He creates all good things with utmost beauty and love!
• † Maddy, you are an awesome girl inside and out, you never seemed to get too worked up over challenges and just embraced them one step at a time and that’s exactly how God intends us to carry our crosses daily. I find in you a very understanding and supportive person. You’re good at seeing a situation from both sides and always have the courage to stay true to what is right while still doing your best to be understanding of other perspectives. This is how Christ is with us whether we’re in the right or in the wrong He is always loving, understanding and honest with us.
• † Lane I am inspired by your strength. Thank you for always volunteering to lead the class in prayer and even take it further to do so on your knees. You in particular have faced a lot of challenges in life and especially in this last year. I admire that you always pushed through the difficult things we did in class, but even more so the difficult things in life. Jesus knows your suffering and calls you to unite your suffering with His. God’s goodness and strength is in you always, and knowing that you can be confident that you can make it through anything as He has already proven to you!
• † Darren you have a lot of energy and determination. You don’t quit! You definitely kept me on my toes, but I'm grateful to have had the pleasure of a student like you! Never let challenges get you down rather use that energy and determination to find another way to keep on thriving. It isn't hard to see when reading the gospels the energy and determination with which Jesus lived on this earth. He had to have been so as we see all He accomplished in just three years of public ministry! He never quite and never backed down. God definitely has a plan for you to use your drive for His greater good in whatever adventures He takes you on in life.

Congratulations seniors of 2020! You are in my prayers and I wish you all the greatest good that God desires in each of your incredible unique lives! 

Be Salty and Bright

           Sunday’s gospel was a brief one with a lot packed into it. You could say it was short, “salty” and to the point. :) 

           You are the salt of the earth….light of the world….a city on a hill. Listening to this gospel got me thinking back to when my friend Cherise professed vows a couple months ago. It’s something I’ve meant to write about for a while. As a friend in my own life, Cherise has been salt, light and a city on a hill. To me she is a great example of living this gospel so I hope she doesn’t mind this somewhat of a belated tribute to the beautiful person God created in her.

Salt is a substance that is not stand alone. It does nothing for itself by itself. It adds to and enhances flavor, it preserves food, in some cases it is used to aid healing and we need it in our bodies to live.  As long as Cherise and I have been close, she’s always been a "salty" friend (in the gospel definition of the word, not today’s modern definition). Conversations with her have always been edifying and something I look forward to when we’re able to be together. We cover a lot of ground on many topics in faith, but also in sharing our own personal spiritual lives, where we are and how God is working in our life. These conversations always have inspired me and encouraged me to keep living and focusing on holiness. I come away from those rejuvenated in some way. With Cherise, I definitely see it, that she was made for this particular vocation she has with the Apostles of the Interior Life. By the nature of their charism and apostolate, in her life she will continue having these “salty” conversations with many people she will encounter. In that, she has and will certainly continue to inspire and enhance others lives with her genuine joy, love, and zeal. She will help preserve our beautiful faith and tradition in how she lives, and she will definitely be in a place to help bring others to Christ’s healing. We’re called to be as salt is in our own daily Christian living. By fully living out our faith, in word and in deed, we enhance the life of those around us, we preserve the faith and help inspire others to continue in faith, and we help bring Christ’s healing. We need to be salty!

The line “A city set on a mountain top cannot be hidden,” used to really stick out to me because it took me a long time to understand how it fits. I remember one time in college a priest spent some time reflecting on that one line. He talked about how a city up on a mountain could be seen and used as a point of reference to know where you are and where you need to go. Cherise has been this city to me in her prayer life. In the past, seeing her pray, whether it was in church or knowing she was going to have a holy hour made me realize okay Alyson this is the kind of relationship you want with God, so this is what you can do to get there, be like that, take a leaf out of her book. Though I don't get to see her like I used to, she still inspires me in her writing about her spiritual life. I’m sure you can come up with people who are “cities on a hill” in your own life. They are the ones you see, who inspire you, and make you stop a bit and think: I want to be where they are. Here I am now. What can I learn from them to help me get where I need to be in my journey to holiness? If you don't have those people you can certainly always look to the lives of the Saints. That is a unique gift we have as Catholics. These "cities" preserved in our history and in Heaven who both inspire us as a reference to know the way in our journey to holiness and they can intercede for us on the way. Again when we fully live our faith out as Christ calls us too, we become this for others too. We become a point of reverence that others can look at to know the direction to go. You never know when you yourself may be a city on a hill for someone else which is why the city cannot be hidden. 

 "You are the Light of the world," stood out to me most yesterday in this gospel. The priest I heard at mass pointed out that it says that we are the light, not that we carry a light or that we point to a light, we are the light. Having Christ’s life in us by our baptism, and He being THE light, we are the light of the world. It reminded me of when Cherise lit her baptismal candle and placed it on the altar where it burned as she consecrated her life to Jesus and on throughout the rest of the mass. I remember looking at that candle after communion and seeing how far it had burned down. My first thought was one of worry that it would burn all the way down and she wouldn’t have anything left of it. It didn’t go completely out, the candle burned on and there was plenty to last through the end of mass before finally being blown out by Cherise before pictures. I kept thinking about that candle. Cherise couldn’t plan whether the candle would last for the whole mass, know that it would, or plan for there would be any left for her parents to take home. None of that mattered though and she certainly didn’t go back up to the altar to blow it out as it melted lower and lower and neither did anyone else. It was fitting that this was her baptismal candle as Cherise was answering her baptismal call in a very special way that day. I began to see it as a representation of the generous gift Cherise was making with her life, not holding anything back for herself. She in faith just lets her light burn, knowing and trusting that God will give her all the strength, grace, courage and love that to make her enough and keep her light going for the world as she continues to choose to let it shine daily.

           We shouldn't fear being too salty lest we lose our flavor and our light isn't meant to be hidden. It makes zero sense to ever hide it though we’re tempted to often. Perhaps we fear offending someone. Perhaps you have been or will be told your light, “is too bright.” Maybe we’ve been made fun of for being "too holy" or turned others off by it. We fear what others will say about our light. Some have the mindset that they will let their light shine more fully later, when they are in their specific vocation, or a certain place in life. Maybe we think that our light isn’t good enough. Reading this gospel and taking it to heart we must cast out those fears. God puts us on a lamp-stand where He intends for us to be, to be salty, and to shine where the world needs our light to shine. We can’t hold back or control our light for those reasons above. Tomorrow is never a guarantee for us or anyone else. We do not know who desperately needs our light because maybe their light is dim or they are in a very dark place and need more light to find their way. If you want to be holy especially at the moment of your death, then live every moment letting your light shine. 

           This doesn’t mean to boast or be intentionally showy for our own sake and gain. There is a way to simply live our faith to the full with no reservations with charity and love in a way that points and directs all glory to God. Again look to the Saints as great examples. God desires others to see our light and to be further drawn to Him. As Cherise did and so many others we must generously give it all and trust God with how long and how far it shall shine. Whether He intends it for one person or a multitude, He makes it bright enough if we allow Him!

Cherise and I on her consecration day, December 7th, 2019

Silence, Solitude, and a Bobcat

"Silence guards the inner heat of religious emotions. This inner heat is the life of the Holy Spirit within us. Thus, silence is the discipline by which the inner fire of God is tended and kept alive...Silence is a sacred discipline, a guard of the Holy Spirit." -Fr. Henri Nouwen
       
           This post comes a long time after my last one. I've had a few things on my mind I've thought to share, but never really stopped to spend time to reflect further on those things. I constantly have this running list of things in my head I think need to get done before I can really sit down with no distractions. I don't mean necessarily to sit down and share a blog, but just to sit down daily period, in silence, to be with God wherever I am at. One would think a single person would have an easier time with that. When I have had time, daily, I tend to be distracted by things I could be getting done. Something tells me "oh your prayer would never be fruitful anyway because you'd be worrying about this stuff you didn't do yet, so you should get that done first then pray." See every time that happens things get shoved before God. Then when I have "finished" I often I end up kind of mindless on social media, scrolling, and "catching up" on other people's lives. I also tend to do a lot of reading online, anything that catches my attention, scientific updates, church news, local news, or even reflections and blogs of others. Before I know it there is no time, it is late and time to go to bed or move on to the next thing. None of these things are really bad or sinful in and of itself. However, I've come to realize that's the spirit working against me, trying to keep me from silence and solitude in prayer, trying to keep me from being as close as I can to the feet of Jesus.  "The more the soul is in solitude and seclusion, the more fit it renders itself to approach and be united with its Creator and Lord." -St. Ignatius of Loyola Satan knows this! So he's going to do whatever he can to subtly and effectively keep us from that for as long as he can. It's tricky, like I said, none of those things I mentioned are bad, so I hardly notice its happening really that I'm being pulled away from Jesus constantly. We need more silence and solitude!

            Recently I became very aware of this reality I just described when I attended a silent retreat lead by Fr. Kirby out at our Spiritual Renewal Center. It began the Thursday evening before Thanksgiving week and ended on Sunday morning, the Feast of Christ the King. I was long overdue for a retreat and this kind of retreat was much needed. Have you ever come home from a retreat and felt like you needed a retreat to re-cooperate from the retreat? Well that definitely was not the case with this one. I came back feeling very refreshed and much more myself. From the moment the silence began I put my phone on airplane mode and only used it as an alarm...I was very surprised how long my battery lasted. I was more in awe of just where God can bring you in the silence when you are able to cut out your normal distractions cold turkey.

           I just want to share one interesting thing that happened to me in the silence and some quotes from the retreat (in yellow). Each day of the retreat, Fr. Kirby gave a talk to begin our day then left us to the Holy Spirit to reflect, pray, spend time in adoration, go on a walk take a nap etc. After hearing the talk Saturday morning the key points both clicked together for me and my first prayer session that morning was very fruitful and enlightening. God had a lot to teach me in it and I’m sure we’ll continue to unpack it. After a while I needed to get out so I went for a walk. The things from my session were still on my mind, but as I walked further I was able to become more silent in my mind and just enjoy nature and the beautiful sunny day we had. I intended to just walk the perimeter of the main part of the property, but decided to go check out the river as well. I walked along it a little ways where the grass was shredded and decided to sit on the edge of the bank which was very high and steep and enjoy the view. I sat under a mesquite tree where I wasn’t really hidden, but I was far enough to where I couldn’t see anyone anymore and so really felt the solitude.

"Sounds and emotions detach us from ourselves, whereas silence always forces men to reflect upon his own life. The greatest mysteries of the world are born and unfold in silence. How does nature develop?  In the greatest silence. A tree grows in silence, the sun that rises over the earth in its splendor and grandeur warms us in silence. What is extraordinary is always silent." -The Power of Silence - Cardinal Sarah. 

           As I sat there I still thought about that last session asking God what to do with it, but as well was noticing nature “unfold” around me. It was very quiet and calm and I didn’t hear much more than just a gentle breeze in the trees and a bird fluttering around every now and then. At one point a little bird landed quite close and checked me out before darting off. A saw a flock of ducks fly up the river  following the curves of the river rather than flying straight and thought that was really neat. I wondered where the alligators were or turtles and figured it was probably a bit cold to see them active. I looked at the trees and the grass and the longer I looked the more detail I was able to see. The longer I looked the more I noticed the different colors and different sizes and shapes of leaves. You may think okay so what's the point. For me I realized God took a lot of care in every small detail that made up this whole beautiful picture. I reflected on how much more I was able to see while being still and silent than I normally do when I’m on a walk or in a hurry to go some place. I tend to miss the little things. This is how it works with God too. When we are still and silent there is so much more we are able to receive from Him, so much more He’s able to get us to see. He is there filling every small detail of our day and so much of the time we hurry on past and do not notice. I was very thankful for this time, it was a huge gift to be able to stop and let God unfold things before me as He had more of my attention in the silence.

           Every so often while I sat on the bank, I would look back up to the hall and check my watch to make sure I would have enough time to cover the distance of the field to make it to lunch at a good time. I wondered if I should continue trying to make the perimeter, but was content staying still where I was enjoying my view. Finally it was about 5 minutes to lunch and I looked up to the hall then looked back to the river one last time. I as well looked a little to my left which I hadn’t done so really the whole time I sat there just looking at the river. Out of the corner of my eye suddenly I saw a furry something do a quick spin around and jump back. It made a low strange growl. In my mind I thought some weird little stray dog or raccoon had found me and was curious. This happened in an instant. When I was turned fully around I found myself staring into the intense wild grey eyes of a very large bobcat! He was entirely beautiful, his fur was perfect and thick and had the prettiest colors and pattern. He had longer fur framed around his face. At the same time, being entirely beautiful, he was as well entirely terrifying. He growled and showed his teeth and stood there, every muscle tensed, powerful, ready to move. We both just stared at each other motionless.

Not my photos obviously! But just wanted to give you an idea of what "beautiful and terrifying" looks like.

           My first thought the second after taking in what I was looking at was that I need help, I need to call my dad. Of course being it was a silent retreat I didn’t have my phone on me and sense came a second later and I thought what could he really do for you Alyson at this point? What could anyone really do for me even if you did have your phone? It occurred to me that this is it, this could be how it ends. God’s beautiful and terrifying creation could go for my neck and then maul my face off and there isn't a whole lot I could do against something like that. People being attacked by a bobcat isn't entirely unheard of. There was a slight sinking in my hope thinking there isn’t any way out, I can’t out run this, climbing the little tree would do no good, and I have nothing to defend myself. These thoughts all ran through my head quite quickly. I remained calm though and strangely was at peace as in not crying or in a terrified panic. Thankfully I haven’t been in too many terrifying situations in the past, but when I have, I cried and/or panicked. Finally I decided I had to try something and couldn’t just sit here vulnerable on the edge of this river bank. So very slowly I stood up keeping my eyes on the cat. I still had this peace and calm about me. He trotted back a little ways keeping his eyes locked on me and growled again. I wondered if possibly he was more scared of me than I was of him so I took a very small step towards the direction of the hall and away from him. He trotted back a little further and stared at me still baring his teeth. I decided I was mostly sure that he was scared of me so took one more, larger step with more confidence, still calm. With this he ran off fast and I lost sight of him behind a brush pile. 

           I immediately walked as fast as I could in the other direction towards the hall. A rush of relief over-came me and I had the biggest grin on my face thinking wow, wow thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus for saving me! I could not believe what just happened. I looked back at the spot where I had been sitting moments ago and where I had first seen the cat. I walked back over to the spot and looked around at where he had to have come from. I realized he was incredible at being stealthy and had sneaked up on me perhaps curious at what this thing was sitting by the river. I just couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard him or anything as he got that close. I walked back quickly to the hall full of adrenaline from that event. I laughed which seems crazy now that I think about it, thinking good gosh I can’t even tell anyone about this now. I took a detour to my room to get rid of my gloves and hat. Since I couldn’t talk about it I decided to write it all down to process what just happened. The rest of the afternoon this experience came up over and over in my head. I wondered what the take away was, if this is what was going to be stuck in my head then hopefully God had something for me to learn.

           When sharing this experience with the rest of the group after silence was lifted on Sunday, Fr. Kirby asked me to go back to when I said that it was beautiful and terrifying at the same time. He asked me to describe why it was that way. So I described the bobcat’s physical beauty, but as well the knowledge of what it could do. He then said I want you to sit with that. Often when we encounter God in our life it can be like that, beautiful and terrifying at the same time.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

           This verse was printed on the front of a little guide we received for the weekend and I think it sums up pretty well what God is having me learn from this experience especially as we approached and celebrated Christ the King on Sunday. 

           I’m still sitting with it. I first think about people God called in the bible. How beautiful it must have been to be called by God and to be in His presence, but at the same time terrifying. In the Old Testament for one example, Moses came upon the burning bush which I imagine would be beautiful and terrifying to see. Add in God speaking to him clearly through the bush and we know by Moses's reaction that was both a beautiful and terrifying experience. In the New Testament there is the Annunciation, Mary encountering the angel Gabriel. Not just what she saw, but the message as well would have been both beautiful and terrifying. Gabriel even had to tell her to not be afraid. In both cases, Moses and Mary where coming from a place of silence and solitude when they encountered God in this way. While Moses is quite relatable in the way he reacted and beyond that, Mary gives us the perfect example of how one responds when God truly is King, Lord of their life. I definitely know this still is the case with people when God calls them to something specific in their life. In vocation stories I've heard for both married friends and friends entering religious life, God called and invited them in silent prayer. Beautiful and terrifying are both words that can fit in their stories, and as well that steady peace and calm that lets them know this is of God. With God as their King, they responded to His call with His grace, peace and courage. It may seem overwhelming, impossible or even uncomfortable, but He is God, He is there, He is present with us in it. The bigger picture beyond our fears and worries with it is beautiful. This is something I need to internalize.

           The more I think about it now over a week after the event, the more I realize just how bad it all could have gone. What if that bobcat had come closer? What if I hadn’t turned to see him and startled him? What if he had decided to attack me in his fear or even anger I was in his territory, rather than take off in the other direction?  In that moment I had no control. There was nothing I could do....on my own. The things that I've given my attention to in life, things I worry too much over especially the unknowns with my future and all didn't matter in that moment. I know that God was with me because I am still here in one piece. I even imagine my guardian angel standing there unseen by me, but perhaps by the big cat. I know God was with me and in control, He kept me calm and at peace and gave me the courage to stand up and step out when there seemed to be no other options. However, I may not have reacted this way had it not been for the time of silence to be still with God. I am so very thankful this all ended the way it did. In reflecting back on this I ultimately hear God telling me, "see I have you, I hold you in the palm of my hand. I protect you, I give you life, I am your Father, I love you with everything, I have plans for you. So why do you fear, why do you worry, why do you doubt and hesitate, why do you live your way over mine?" This puts things in life into perspective. If God is who He says He is (He is) and death is a reality we all face with Heaven or Hell on the other end of it, then that should direct how we live, how time is spent, where we place God. I do think about dying from time to time, in a healthy way considering that it is always before us. I want to be well, healed and whole to enter Heaven at that point. But am I living that way? Is Jesus the King of my life?

"You shall have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:3
       
           This experience was a wake up call to the reality that I struggle with the first commandment and the greatest commandment, and perhaps this is one obstacle keeping me from embracing the life God desires for me with grace and complete trust. I am more Moses than Mary, but even Moses has me topped in his trust in God. I share this because maybe this struggle is more common for us all than we tend to think. It's easy to move past it saying well I don't worship weird pagan statues or do witchcraft or any of that other weird stuff listed in a common examination of conscience under the first commandment, so I'm good. But other things can become false gods, clothes, sports, hobbies, social media, a tv show, money, success, addictions, celebrities, other people we idolize, or even ourselves. Those are only a few examples and some of them are not even bad by themselves, but when we put them before God and give them all our attention and devote more to them than our relationship with God, they become false gods taking up our lives. Throughout the weekend in the silence I actually became aware of the ways in my life though that I essentially say "I'm god and You're not," and then put other things (gods so to speak) before Him. In the silence the closer I was to God the less these things seemed to really matter.
           Just one example I will share with how I struggle with this is when I insist that things go my way and get bothered when His way is not the way I would have done it. Like the plan I had for my own life, according to me this is not how it should look at this point. And I worry over what will happen and even get frustrated that nothing seems to be happening. Or with death, there have been times when I was upset and let down that my prayers were not answered as I would have had them and I lost people I loved. Fr. Kirby reflected well on this in his Christ the King homily on Sunday. Jesus isn't the kind of king we expect. The closer we are to His feet from the foot of the cross, the better we can see it His way. God did heal and save those people I prayed for who passed away, just not in the way I expected. In both those situations my mistake is trying and insisting on my way, on having control rather than trusting it all into the loving and merciful hands of Jesus. With this bobcat I was in a place of no control I had to fully trust in God's real presence with me.
           And as well, this "I'm god and You're not," is essentially what I am saying when I sin.  It is what we're all doing and saying to God when we choose sin. I put me first, above God and His wisdom, love, and plans for me. Like this bobcat, temptations can slip up on me without me even realizing it until it’s right there before me and it would seem I am about to lose. I would lose without God. I sat there and stared at the cat and saw a beauty in it at first even though it was quite dangerous. The temptation to sin can look this way to us too as Satan knows what will trip us up and tricks us. It is is usually easy to be able to see things we know are harmful and sinful that exist in our lives. I think more about the "not evil" things I mentioned above that I use and end up "excusing" myself from deeper prayer. These are ways that subtly creep in and I put these things before God essentially failing with the first commandment and the greatest commandment as I let them rule my life.

           We need silence and solitude to be better aware of these temptations in life and to be able to face them with God's grace. This is one reason a daily silent examination of conscience is so helpful. When we're able to see those areas we struggle most with, it is best to acknowledge it, and what it could lead to, but then don’t even mess with it, and quickly avoid it as God lead me to do with the bobcat. When we invite God into our lives, give Him that space, He works in our hearts to heal and strengthen us. The closer we come to Him in that silence and solitude, the temptation to sin then holds less and less power over us.

"You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." Matthew 22:37
           I don't want to live in a way, looking at my daily life from the perspective of  "okay God here is where I can pencil you in." Rather I want to look at daily life from the perspective of God first and center, now let everything else can fall into place around that. I want to be as close as I can to the feet of Jesus with Mary at the foot of the cross, to trust fully in His plans, even when I don't see the big picture or understand. I want to let God have the control. I know some things are beyond my control, but I have to work positively with generously giving God all what I have. I desire my life to be centered and ordered around my relationship with God. It will mean setting boundaries and sticking to them which will require discipline and even sacrifice. It will mean facing fears that have always followed me. From this brief situation though I experienced in a very real way that God is with me, He's got this and I need not be afraid. As terrifying as it all may seem, just like when I took a very uncertain step with the bobcat, letting go, stepping out into the unknown with God is daunting to me, but I know will be entirely beautiful and worth it.  

            "Silence is the language of heaven and it's already deep inside of us, beckoning us, inviting us to deeper intimacy with everything." - Fr. Ron Rolheiser       

           This terrifying and beautiful event will stick with me and I'll continue sitting with it. I want to encourage anyone who reads this, and made it this far, to try silence and solitude. The Advent season is the perfect time for it. It will be the most challenging as it tends to be the busiest time of year as we approach the holidays, but this is when we need it most. There is always going to be a spirit working against us to pull us away from encountering Christ and perhaps it works extra hard at that around the celebration of Christmas with God engaging with His creation in the most humble and intimate way possible. That spirit against us doesn't want us to know Who God is nor go any deeper than the surface with our relationship with God. You know one negative thought that came to my mind going into this retreat was "it won't be long enough." I'm glad I didn't let it go as far as "it won't be long enough so don't even bother." How many times do we do that when it comes to prayer? God can work with any amount of time, what matters is that we generously give Him as much as we honestly can. I did come away from the retreat saying "it wasn't long enough," but in a positive way thinking I have to have more of this! When I said before that I went away from this retreat feeling "more myself" that was very real and honest. The closer we get to Jesus the more we will be who we were created to be. This experience was so good for me and I desire other people to experience this goodness as well and be able to draw closer to Jesus and become more wholly the person He made them to be.

           So even if you can't cut cold turkey from everything that is pulling at you, get creative and at least try and get away for some silence and solitude this Advent. It likely will require some sacrifice and change from your normal routine. It might require getting up earlier, or maybe you possibly invite your family to try it too even if it's just for a short while. If you can, get away from your house even for a little bit. While out running errands or something go to church, or sit in an adoration chapel as long as you can with Jesus. Carve out some time to take a walk in a quiet park or just walk out in your pasture if you have that (just be more aware of your surroundings than I was). Even if you can't get away, find a way for solitude and silence to exist when you can wherever that may be. Use scripture, a reflection from a devotional, reflect on the Sunday readings in a missalette, or just be still and rest in God's love in silence. In the midst of everything you're carrying or going through, good and bad just simply trust Him and let Him love you. "Be still and know that He is God."